50 top tips for pleasing your man [grin] its long but worth it

[Mamazon]

Preface: YES, there are other groups that list all the mistakes men make, and YES, we are aware that they exist, but they are not important in this group... focus around here is only around the funny ass mistakes that women make. And if you have a problem with that, don't bother reading any further, go back to where you came from, and spare us all the aggravation! Anyway, onto the list...

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

1. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner's mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation.

1. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

1. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

1. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

1. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

1. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down your throats, sex is NOT just about women. Get over it.

1. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

1. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That's fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Junior High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to cum, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say NO like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. Women put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. It's your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. It's ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a threesome. It's the American dream. (Quick interjection - one request for a threesome is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god-awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. It's one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know it's not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little... fishy... perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have these rare Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all it's cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

This is just a disgusting thread from start to finish.

Winebeforepearls I think I am off to the despairing lounge with you. It's horrible here. Let's leave them to it

Janos, come with us dear!

I agree with Morris!

Don't worry about the hi-jack LEM, I just give the nooks and crannies a really close trim and the rest gets done with my lovely new Braun epilator - torture at first but the more you do it, the less it hurts!

And why shouldn't lucyellensmum was lyrical about her relationship - it sounds very much like mine.

I think you mean WAX

ha ha

yes I did, thanks for correcting!

There is no explanation that would appease you Dittany. You just see things your way and refuse to accept that other people don't agree with you. This thread has obviously touched a raw nerve which has led you to insult people. I for one won't take it personally.

Am a bit late to this but anyway.

It's the same as loads of other stuff floating around the net.

It's not very funny but some of the points are OK eg sex outside the bedroom can be fun.

The problem I have with the list is that, as many others have pointed out, there are a few points which are about using force and going ahead without the woman's consent.

If a woman has said no to anal sex and the man forces his penis up her arse

Forcing a woman's head down onto his penis

Telling her she's ridiculous if she says he is hurting her

These points are utterly indefensible. And no, there is not another way of interpresting the things in the list, this is what they say.

Obviously talking dirty, bondage, rough sex, threesomes ect are all fine if all parties are consenting. This is not what the list is talking about.

You insulted the man I love dearly Dittany and that means you insulted me.

oh purleese

Nobody has said that anti-men emails are OK. Or that rough sex between CONSENTING adults is wrong.

This is becoming 'groundhog thread' isn't it.

Dittany didn't mention rough sex being wrong, she was offended by the language.

Fwiw I don't share her view on that, and I have no interest in or opinion on what people call each other for fun in private.

But that doesn't change the issue of consent - or lack of - in the article. It clearly says you should do it even if you doan't want to/ don't like it/ didn't say no in the right tone of voice.

That's a million miles away from having rough sex or dirty talk by mutual enjoyment and consent.

Reality, I don't see any objections to consensual rough sex in dittany's posts, and there are lots of ways of talking dirty without having to use words like whore, slut, etc.

TMMJ - I am deeply offended that you felt the need to bring up other threads i may have made about my partner. YES we have been through a hard time, but I have never EVER described my partner as anything other than loving and caring. The problems we may or may not have had have never ever effected what goes on in the bedroom and what happens there is loving and wonderful and if you don't like it, i really couldnt give a flying fuck .

Dittany clearly has a big problem with men as she is always posting as such. Thats fine, she is entitled to her opinion, i think she is wrong this time and taking everything to literally but thats life, she is entiltled to her opinion - to question my relationship is plain out of order

I really think so many of you are missing the point about what is really wrong with this list. It is relentlessly contemptuous about women. Time and again the author expresses aggression and disgust about the way women are popularly perceived to behave, about the things that women want, about what they read, about what they wear, about how they look, about their self-care, about how they smell.

A few people have said that this putrid crap is just the same as other lists in circulation that tell a man what to do in bed. I find it really hard to believe that there is anything out there that addresses men and that comes anywhere close to expressing this level of hatred and disgust. Do you know why? Because very, very few women hate men in the way that this man - and lots of others like him - hate women.

Is there an equivalent of 'frigid bitch' when you're addressing a man?

Very good question, policywonk.

Perhaps we could see a few of these emails that are anti-men, and compare the tone?

If such a thing exists it's not on any website or magazine that I'd give house room to.

Preface: YES, there are other groups that list all the mistakes men make, and YES, we are aware that they exist,but we would like to defend ourselves and make some suggestions that make the bedroom a fairer playground and if it helps you to get us off better/quicker, then thats a bonus

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because......you are in the mood. If you want to initiate sex thats fantastic, but you cannot expect it just to stand to attention - try some loving first.

1. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner's mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation. (i agree with this one so not changing it)

1. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, you run the risk of him thinking he is doing it right when he is doing it wrong - we need things spelling out to us.

1. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond, but actually, there is a physical reaction in a man that makes him want to sleep after sex - don't take it personally when he rolls over and snores, it just means he is satisfied.

1. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

1. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is a bit much, and would be dull after a while

1. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down your throats, sex is NOT just about women. No, we have needs too.

1. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling. (yay go for it sista - who reads cosmo these days anyway!).

1. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, Because you are making him hot and he is enjoying what you are doing, or he just wants to push you into the right place, just let him know if its uncomfortable.

10. Not moving at all, it helps things along if you respond to his movements, even in missionary

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's a man - don't expect too much.

12. Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor. fair enough

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Maybe a little spruce and tidy, or if you are feeling daring go for the full brazilian, he will go down on your more!

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. Don't get sucked into a one sided relationship, if he just appears for sex, he just wants to dangle his hoo hoo and you best be kicking him out.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're on your period. Oral sex can be very loving and intimate and there is no reason why you both cannot enjoy this, there are ways for him to stimulate you too without making a mess (dare i say it, use the back door!)

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".Cant fault this one

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, then you are wrong, it just makes you responsible. Some men are so blown away to get lucky they forget about the practicalities

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. So long as you both like this and he treats you with the UTMOST of respect at ALL times!

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun. oh boy this is true!

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Yes, imagine wanting someone that badly

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say NO like it's an invitation, don't look surprised if he tries it on - be clear if you don't like it, he MUST respect this.

22. Expecting him to undress you. Women put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out. love this

23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either, well, unless its cold and you cant afford the fuel bills!

24. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work, and experimenting with positions is fun.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move. yep, i agree

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier. Yes, men love this and if you can help yourself along its a bonus

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it, or his mouth and dont be afraid to get a bit rough

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Although kissing and cuddling is lovely too, some men do take this as a green light.

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a feminist, letting a man take control in bed doesn't negate this, and it IS so very nice - remember, next time it will be your turn to be in charge

30. Refusing to take control. It's ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. Yep - they love that

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis. Isn't that what women say about themselves too!

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them. VERY important

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess, how insulting would this be - i had a friend who used to make her man go to the toilet to finish the job

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view. Yes, you do

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll all of the time, a rough quickie can be very satisfying - so long as it doesn't go too far.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". Variety is the spice of life

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters. couldnt agree more

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a threesome. Unless he is serious!

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god-awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water. Never happens to me!

40. Nails. It's one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's another when you snag the goods with a claw, oh yes, dooo be careful

41. complainingwhen you get jizz on you. You're having sex, it does get messy.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name when he does something you like - he will follow your lead and please you more

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know it's not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego. Yes totally agree (but to my shame i have sort of done this)

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little... fishy... perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you, well yes

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises, Works both ways really - don't expect him to be pleased if you poke your finger up his bum without fair warning, but do suggest it, he'll be begging for more!

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have these rare Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. Use a different room!

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. Spoils the moment

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing but making a big deal of it is going to disturb the poor luv.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "forget it" and rolling over are not ok. Coukddn't agree more - you dont want to turn this into an issuee.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Just enjoy the moment!

Now, i challenge anyone to find something mysogenistic in THAT now ive changed the wording, only very slightly!

"and say NO like it's an invitation". No. No. No. No. One of the fundamental issues of consensual sex is that No Means No. No can never be sensibly construed as an invitation. This sends chills down my spine.

And there's plenty of misogynistic crap beyond that LEM, even if you choose to discount the vile language of the original.

34. just by putting a smilie after it doesn't make it ok. 'When he tries to titty fuck you' 'just push them together'. How about asking? Nicely?

OMG