Don't know what to do for best re access....

[Persianvase]

Hi. I'll try to keep this short. EXH and I split up about 2.5 years ago. Our daughter was 1.5 at the time. He decided to move 200 miles away (back to his family). I have had a new DP for 2 years (he now lives with me and my daughter). I work nearly full time and he is amazing with my daughter, she loves him and he loves her. Her actual father often doesn't ring when supposed to, comes up late for visits and when he does arrive is always looking at his watch. He goes dead on 4pm because "I don't want to drive in the dark". He never asks about parents evening, or how she is, or asks me for photos or anything. When he does take her out for the day he often doesn't feed her (!!!) and is, in short, rubbish.

Anyway, he was supposed to come up boxing day but rang and said his car was broken. He told me he got it fixed that day and he turned up at midday (!) the next day to pick her up. She was v disappointed he hadn't come Boxing Day.

Since then I have found out *through Facebook!) that he has a new girlfriend who has a 3 year old daughter. He spent Christmas day with them (he told me and my DD he was spending it on his own).

I now wonder whether the 'car breaking down' was true at all or whether it was just an excuse? Someone told me no garages would be open Boxing Day so he couldnt have had it fixed then like he said. I've asked him to tell me the name of the garage. He says he can't remember. Ive asked him to tell me roughly where it was he says he can't remember

So either his car didnt break at all and he couldnt be bothered to come up or it did break but he didnt have it fixed and drove our daughter in an unsafe car??

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell me the name of the garage and prove it? He says I'm being a f&&&g psycho b&*^h...

So my question is, is it right for him still to have access to her when he's so crap? Whats best for her? And how do I save her from getting hurt (emotionally) by him?

Any and all replies gratefully received. x

I would forget the garage. It seems to me you would rather not have to have any contact with this man at all?

That is true. I really dislike him. He was terrible with money, got us into a lot of debt (which I have been left with), caught a STI (I have no idea where from, certainly not me!) and lied constantly.

But, I keep thinking its best for her surely to have her father in her life? My DP is more of a father than ExH has ever been and I would love to cut him out of my and her live but I'm assuming this would be bad for her??

'life' sorry not 'live'!!

Only you can decide that.

Would you feel differently if you weren't with your DP?

I have let my ds decide. I nver refuse my xp access and he visits VERY intermittently. Last time was eighteen months ago and never phones. He did on the other hand face book me whilst drunk [ I am assuming this because it was gone two] to ask how ds was last week.
I decided a long time ago that I would let my ds decide if he didn't want contact when he was old enough to make that choice but I didn't want him ever to be able to say that I stopped him.
They don't have a close relationship and he is treated like a son by my xdh and he calls him dad.

I'm with Wannabe. Me and my XP have fallen out massively in the past, but I've always felt that it was DDs decision regarding how much/little contact she had with him. I did have a "should I/shouldn't I?" moment though after a particularly bad argument.

I just can't get my head round it Wannabe. My DD is the most adorable child ever. In the whole world

So how could her own father not want to spend every minute with her he possibly can?? It makes me so mad on her behalf and so scared that when she gets older she'll think it was her fault he couldn't be bothered. She even said the other day 'It was my fault Daddy's car broke down because I made it messy.'

She's nearly 4 so not obviously old enough yet to make her own mind up.

Problem is rational part of me knows I should try and be civil (up to this point I have been very civil, even lending him money for petrol to get here etc, hes a bloody solicitor so hardly poor!), but another part of me HATES HIM AND WISHES HE WOULD JUST VANISH. Argh. Sorry, just needed to rant. Thank you for listening x

Theresonlyme - possibly would feel different if no DP, as I'd want her to have a male role model in her life. There again she is very close to my father and her father is a crap role model anyway

I feel the same about my ds. He is funny, cute and even strongly resembles his dad.He sees different dialect [ we come from opposite ends of the country] and time consuming.
At the end of the day she won't think it was her fault when she is older because she will have the skills to see past all that because she has a lovely mummy. When I think of my xp I think 'knob' and feel sorry that he misses out on so much.
And he may well vanish....... but you will have the moral highground. You did everything you could...

Oh my god - different dialect! We get that here too. He's from Southampton and posh accented, I have a slight Birminghsm accent and my DP is Black Country. ExH is always making comments re getting elocution lessons for DD. Charming

I think my problem is that I keep wondering 'Why?', eg why on earth doesn't he want to spend more time with her. DP and I can't bear it when she goes away even for a (very rare) weekend with him because we miss her. I think I need to just decide 'He's a knob. HIs loss. End of.' And stop thinking about it because its driving me crazy

Agree with wannabe.
He may be a nob but he's your DCs dad. It's a shame he makes excuses and eventually they will see through it but if you protest it could upset them.
DCs often put their absent parent on a pedestal and it's hard to stand by knowing they are fooling themselves but if you try to force harsh reality on them they will only idealise the situation even more and maybe even resent you.
If he continues to dissappoint them it will eventually be his loss but they will have their mum to hold their hand and dry the tears.

I think I need to grit my teeth when he (occasionally) swans up for the weekend takes her to the safari park for 2 hours and then swans off again and myself and DP do all the looking after her when she's ill, trying to juggle work, pay the bills, get up in the night when she has nightmares, watch the bloody rugrats on tv etc! Way to get round it is to think of all the lovely moments we have with her that he is missing out on.

Thanks for your replies x

FWIW I know how hard it is to want to protect the DCs emotionally but you will be there for them when he shows his true colours.

Persianvase, I've been there with my ex-h and it is very hard. He was really good at first with our two kids (DD and DS) and saw them both regularly, every weekend and one night mid week for severl years, UNTIL, he met a new woman. From that day on he pretty much dumped the kids and went for months without seeing them as he was always going over to Ireland to see them. It was really upsetting for them as they were old enough to know what was happening but I had to carry on trying to encourage contact. He went through around a 2 year period when he saw them about twice a year but in the last 18 months has now started seeing a little more of them (as much as possible as we are living long distances apart now) DD aged 12 (sadly) thinks the sun shine out of his arse because when he does see her (she is in a UK boarding school so he sees her more regularly than DS) he takes her tuck or gives her pocket money so she thinks he is wonderful and forgets the months/years when he didn't contact her or remember christmas or her birthday. DS however (aged 15) doesn't really want much to do with him and although he will reply to the occasional email/text their relationship will never be re-built.

You need to try to encourage proper/regular contact but if it gets to the point that your DD doesn't want to see her father, you should not force her. I would suggest that you keep a diary of all the times he has seen her/contated her and in particular, the times he has let her down. This could be useful in the future should he complain that you've been obstructive with regards to his contact with her.

Ref the garage, you are wasting your time. Clearly garages were not open on boxing day and he is a lying twat.

Hope you manage to sort out whatever contact is best for your DD

Thank you for all your replies. I especially like the idea of keeping the diary, it is a worry to me that he could say anything in the future but with a diary at least I have some proof.

Love your comment re the garage

Does he support his daughter financially?

Sort of. He's a solicitor and lives at his dads so has lots of disposable income. However, according to him he is always 'broke'. He pays the 15% of net income that the CSA would require if I went to them and about an extra £80 a month as part of her school fees. He has often borrowed money off me though (usually when he came up to visit and then said he hadn't enough money to get back home!). He also owes me £900 for the divorce - half of the fees, however I said he could pay £100 a month, he is 'thinking about it'

I guess that so long as he financially provides for his daughter you have no real grounds to withold access, however crap he is as a dad.

I'd be worried about the "thinking about" paying you back bit though.

Bizarrely he has just sent me the following text:

"I did have a prob with car boxing day and did try to fix it but couldnt find anywhere open. I did try driving up on the day but felt off. When the wind dropped later in the day it felt ok and next day was fine.
Have had it fixed since and wasnt dangerous just diff in wind 2 drive i think. i am sorry 2 have lied about fixing it but wanted to 2 have my daughter and whilst it felt ok when got her thought you might get funny about car not being fixed. Can u accept my apology and move past this pls?"

Hilariously different from his earlier in the week 30 texts all variations of 'you f&&king psycho bi*ch' and 'how dare you accuse me' and 'I've told you i fixed it now stop asking me about it you spoilt bully.'

Oh well, nice to be proved right, although not nice for my DD obviously not that I'd ever tell her. Personally I think he just had a hangover and couldnt be bothered coming up. He had just spent Christmas day with new GF and her DD, who hes also lied constantly about

Is his OH a MNer?

Bloody hell, never thought of that. No idea, I dont know her at all and have never met her. You mean she might have seen my thread and prompted him to text?

Exactly!

spooky! maybe start a thread in legal about your maintenance as I think if you go through the new commission that has replaced the CSA you'd probably get more than 15% of his net income!

Good idea, I didn't know the rules had changed. thank you x

Update - I spoke to him rationally by email after I found out re the lies, see above. Said he was welcome to come up here and visit whenever he wanted but due to the trust issue and the fact dd had said she didn't want to, she wouldn't be staying o/night at his for a while. I asked him not to discuss this with her when he came up this weekend as it would upset her and put her in a difficult position.

So - he came up to day to see DD. Arrived early (this has never happened before) and spent the whole day doing nice things together (usually he just takes her to a shopping centre). He has also been v friendly and nice to me.

He dropped her off and said 'DD just told me this is the nicest day shes ever spent with me" at which she looked and said 'but I missed mommy'. Anyway, after he left she said she was going down to where he lives next weekend to spend the weekend. I said 'How come?' and she said 'daddy asked me to'. I said 'I thought you'd said you didn't want to poppet?' and she said 'Daddy said Grampa has my presents down there for my birthday and I can only have them if I go down there.'

I am now totally seething. All advice on how to kill deal with him, very welcome