Should I be this upset ?

[bodgejob]

After leaving an abusive ex 9 months ago I have tried to remain as independent as possible in bringing up my 3dc all under 5.

My only real source of family support has been my mother who witnessed some of the abuse first hand. The rest of my family has turned a blind eye to things that happened even blaming me for being " very difficult sometimes "

Anyway my mum helps me as much as she can with kids, when my father allows her to, as he is also a very controlling man. The help ammounts to one morning a week she has the two youngest whilst I get some time out. When I get back I generally make her cups of tea, cook her dinner, bath babes whilst she watches, make her more tea she waits for dessert to be handed to her then she leaves saying she is so exhausted

Well i'm left more shattered than usual. And I,m left thinking is she really helping me? Am I being ungrateful?

Well today I recieved a txt from her which had been intended for a friend of hers, it read along the lines of " can't visit today as kids are sick goin to get her shopping collect eldest from school and do bedtime hour with her, another crap week. At least I got swimming this morning "

I'm extremely upset at how resentful she sounds when in fact I stuggled all morning taking 2 babes to drs alone and in fact all I asked her to do was mind babes in afternoon whilst " I " got a little shopping in . My neighbour collected eldest from school and it was embarassing as she was drinking tea when they arrived back . Then I cooked tea whilst she sat drinking tea and then she left at bath time when I most needed help.

I don't know, I feel like shes no help really and I should get by without her like I do anyway it's just that text made me want to cry. I feel completely alone and now I feel my mum isn't the person I thought she was either.

Sorry for rambling kids in background . Hope I make sense . I've got to get some perspective on this

OH poor you . No advice really - did you tell her you got the text?

Tell her to piss off - my MIL is exactly like this like she is doing me a huge favour - when her twat of a son finally got arrested for assaulting me she came round shouting at me to drop the charges - told her in no uncertain terms what I thought - I wont be asking her for help again and feel strangely liberated would rather go it alone !!!

Yes I did . She said she mean't her life was crap generally. Well I took it to mean us . I feel like i'm putting her out if I ask her for any help really. And try to get by as much on my own .

I haven't told her how much it upset me because im generlly told im over-sensitive if I express an opinion. Just don't know who to trust anymore.

You sound so lonely, I can see how bad this must feel

My mum is also pretty much my only help, and when we fall out it is horrid - but luckily for me, she enjoys seeing ds1 even if not really me! So she always says how much she wants to help.

I can't imagine having to do it with nobody. I don't know how to help you but I wnat you to know we are listening xxx

Thanks Mac. That is exactly what I feel like saying to her . Think It will come to that to be honest. Just fed up with her at mo. Everthing is such a big drama for her.

Won't have any family left at this rate as I can't rely on any of em.

I hate to say it as I hated it when people said it to me - but Homestart can maybe be of use? I know it isn't the same as having family but you might get someone who becomes a real friend.

It's all I can think of to suggest. Just desperately sorry for you.

Oh bodgejob, what a shame for you that you feel so alone.

It doesn't actually sound like your mum is that much help anyway. In fact, she sounds like she could be adding to your workload!

And she has no right to be resentful if she's agreed to do what she does. If she doesn't like it, then she should say so instead of bitching about it to her friends.

But she's probably confrontation averse after living with your controlling dad.

However, would it be possible to have a frank chat with her about it all? What you'd like her to do as a help to you and as your DCs granny? I mean, surely she likes to see them as well? And then give her the opportunity to say what she thinks she should be doing when she's round at yours?

Meanwhile, you have my sympathies and my total admiration for leaving your ex and managing to remain independent. You're coping really really well and you're really gutsy.

Actually, bodge you could read it as she suggests, unless you know that it is her style to moan. Dont make her tea etc. If it suits you to have her there in the morning great, but dont 'make up' for it in other ways later IYSWIM.

Bob where are you any of us close by we could help each other

Bob where are you any of us close by we could help each other

How sad, and you have every right to be upset. It doesn't actually sound like she is much help. I know you are feeling very down at the moment, but when you feel a bit better I would try and think of other sources of help. Are your dcs attending nursery? Also, when you feel a bit stronger perhaps ask her directly how much help she can happily give and work around that.

What about saying after her 'stint', 'I know your busy so see you next week' - at least then she just does a 'shift' and isnt a burden later.

Kids - WTF? I would have thought it was a privelege for her to see the DCs. At their age they need to be cared for and this is all part of spending time with them. I'm sorry that she feels that life is generally crap for her, but I would have imagined that getting to spend time with her grandchildren was a bonus, aside from the fact that it helps you out. You have maybe subconsiously fed her perception of this by entertaining her and catering for her while she has unhindered access to her grandchildren, so I think you need to reassess who is doing who a favour here.
Stop referring to it as her helping you out, and next time ask if she wants you to allow her to spend time with her grandchildren.

That's a good way of putting it lesson.

Wow, bodgejob.
I didn't have any family around when I had 2 in diapers (one was hyperactive). It really sucks the joy of being a mom right out of you doesn't it? (Even with dh who was/is great with the dc, but he had to travel a great deal.)

Sometimes "help" just isn't worth the hassle. Shopping with the dc can be a nightmare, but perhaps it'll be easier to train them than your mom?

Could we "whoops" and email her this thread? lol Oh, dear; tit for tat...just kidding.

I don't know, it doesn't sound to me as tho you are making her feel crap, just that she feels crap generally.

I don't think the message indicates mass resentment of you or your kids per se, it's just a general statement of her plans.Maybe its excuses to her friend for activity with friend she wants to get out of . But I know that your feeling crapness can easily make you read it as critisism of you iyswim.

Give her the benefit of the doubt. Can you talk to her and make a plan that is as much help to you as possible, tell her you and the chn appreciate what she does, and they love it when she baths them eg.

Don't be so hard on yourself. everyone has crap days, maybe this was your mum's turn.(Just want to give another pov, feel free to ignore)

Oh, to answer your question, yes. You should be this upset. She seems to have no empathy for you and can't see past the end of her own nose.

I'm so for both of you. You obviously havne't had it easy and do a hard job but she obviously is a really miserable person. You allude to the fact her relationship isn't great. She sounds so miserable to me.

I don't know what you should do but i do not think that you should be hurt by her comments which are much more clearly a reflection on HER than you.

Hi Bodge
Just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel. Not exactly the same but at times my mum seems way out in her idea of what helps.
I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest you do, I'm struggling with it too.
Just wanted to offer some support!

bodgejob, how horrid to get that text. I would've cried too.

Do you think your mum was just having a moan and whinge to her friend with a lot of exaggerating to get a bit of sympathy?

I know you're fed up with her and it doesn't sound as if she's as helpful as she might be, but if you cut her off, will that leave you with no one to fall back on? Also, what about the dc? They will miss her I guess.

What I'm saying is, don't do anything suddenly, but let it settle first and then see how you feel later. Maybe lower your expectations of her. So hard I know, when you're finding yourself looking after her, rather than getting the support you need.

Can you work on finding another mum who you could share some childcare with?

Thanks everyone i'm feeling better already.

Yes I would have thought she would love to spend time with DCs that is what hurts the most. She does love them but on her terms only. There have been lots of times recently when I have felt incredibly let down by her.

Had incident recently when DS3 needed to go to casualty and she was first person I called . I do not have a car so just wanted a lift to hospital. It was the middle of night. Anyway mother arrived with father in tow. Neither offered to take us. Had to call ambulance in the end. How embarrassing when it arrived those two sitting in my house.Car sitting outside.

Anyway spent night pacing the wards with sick child. completely alone. EXP useless so don't call him. Away on hols anyway with DS1.

Next day father arrives 4 in afternoon to collect us both when DS3 is well enough to go home . I get back they have had lovely kip in my bed and a fish and chip lunch whilst caring for DS2.

I was totally alone that night. Had no one to support me. God didn't realise how angry I was.Think i've been too busy with kids to think about these incidents .

Please tell me this isn't normal behaviour towards your daughter.

Well if you are sensitive caring people it isn't. Unfortunately there are alot of emotionally stunted folk out there.

I think it's time you started casting about for alternative help if you can.

Are there any local mums that you know and could befriend?

I do have homestart for 2 hours a week. I have started to ask for help from other mothers aswell but it takes time to build up friendships and my EXP made sure I didn't have too many of those.

I guess its a case of limiting my mother to just the regular morning and not expecting or relying on any more than that. It is upsetting thats all . Especially when she says " can't homestart help more? " She doesn't work so practically lady of leisure.

I would love to help someone else in my situation . We could help each other. Everyone in my area seem to have it sorted.

bodge, you sound so frazzled

whereabouts in the UK are you ?