Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this manipulative behaviour?

29 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 22:39

I asked DH if he would come and visit my 89 year old Nan with me and my 3DDs on Saturday and then go and visit my Uncle who has been quite poorly.

Bearing in mind she lives approx an hr away.

(To put you in the picture she lives at home with my 58yr old Uncle, he is at the moment in hospital recovering from - a stroke pneumonia, meningitis and they have just discovered that he has diabetes.) So basically my lovely Nan (ok yes she can be moany) has had a heck of a job this last month with my Uncle and worrying about him. Every member of the family has joined in to help get my Nan to the hosp etc. Well its my turn on Saturday and I asked my DH (who I have been married to for over 16 yrs) to come up with me.

Now it does mean as we do not have a car to fit 6 people in, I said to DH why don't you stay at my Nans, while I take Nan and 3 DDs to hosp.

He has completely gone off on one saying that I am being manipulative because I said we like doing things as a family! He can get more done at home! etc

I have in the past had a real phobia about sickness and at the moment its rife in Sch esp in DD3 class, I mentioned this to DH and he said that he would stay at home with youngest DD. I have told him that is not what I am after, but felt that if he came with me, I would feel a lot mre comfortable.

He has now gone to bed in a huff, I am now here in tears!

I do know it would be boring for him, its also boring for me and the girls, but I am thinking of my Nan and my Uncle. I didn't force my DDs in going on Saturday, they all agreed without any hesitation!

So am I being manipulative?

PS sorry this is so long, feel a bit better for getting that off my chest! (phew!)

OP posts:
Doodle2U · 22/01/2009 22:45

He's being very arsey - one day of his life and putting others before himself and all that. Is he normally a bit of a 'put upon victim' type?

Mind, I kinda understand his frustration.

I'd rather DH stayed at home than be a grummpy git the whole time TBH. Not saying he is right and you are wrong you understand? It's just, there's no worse a sight than a man with the hump playing victim on a day out!

Doodle2U · 22/01/2009 22:46

gruMMpy??! I'm making new words up as I go along on here tonight!

cornsilk · 22/01/2009 22:46

What Doodle said.

PlumBumMum · 22/01/2009 22:48

I don't quite understand the sickness bit with dd3

But my nan 83 also lives an hour away and my dh has also declined these family outings admittedly he has had to work(works for himself)
But I do feel slightly miffed as I sometimes feel if it was his family he would be doing it
But I don't worry about it anymore

Although I would leave dd3 just so he can't have a nice wee day to himself

heres a tissue

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 22:49

He is very ignorant on peoples feelings at the moment especially mine.

I can see where you are coming from and up until today when I discovered that DD3 had been with a friend who was violently ill in the night, I was prepared to go alone with DDs. he has matter of factly told me that our eldest DD is like an adult! she is 14, will manage fine if the other 2 DDs are ill in the car!

I can't believe he said the latter!

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 22/01/2009 22:51

I would leave all 3 behind and have a nice wee day to yourself

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 22:53

Plum, I am worried that DD3 would be ill in the car whilst I am driving, because of what has happened recently! (I know I am a wimp, but I thought if I was completely honest with DH he would understand - I have got a lot better with sickness etc and DH knows this)

He has just put it down to manipulative behaviour - me I just out it down to his wife asking a big favour!

OP posts:
Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 22:54

Plum, I did that last Saturday and had a lovely day with my Nan, but my DDs all wanted to go and see her and my Uncle the next day! So I organised it for this Saturday! At least they don't take after their Father on this!

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 22/01/2009 22:57

No I don't think it is at all manipulative
why do men act so put upon sometimes

Still think you should go on your own

PlumBumMum · 22/01/2009 23:00

Sorry we seem to be cross posting I hope he changes his mind, but if he dosen't just go and enjoy your day

Hopefully you'll know by sat if dd is going to be sick

And let the kids rave about how great it was and how he missed a good day
Shame on him if hes not sorry

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 23:06

Thanks guys esp Plum. Am feeling a bit at the moment. I honestly thought if I explained how I was actually feeling and he knew that that I hadn't forced DDs that he would come. Didn't expect to be told I am being manipulated - just trying to help my family etc.....

Especially at the momebt as my toxic mother has today been diagnosed with emphesema (SP) today! To be honest I am feeling pretty crap about that too, not sure if its guilt or hate! But honestly could just do with a bit of TLC from DH!

OP posts:
unavailable · 22/01/2009 23:10

I dont understand why you dont go with your dd's, and without dh. Dont you drive?

PlumBumMum · 22/01/2009 23:11

I think your mother even if she istoxic is the reason your crying not dh

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 23:14

Yes I do drive but I am fretting over a "JUST IN CASE" experience! I wanted a bit of understanding, I am am worrying - probably over nothing I know, but could just do with a bit of company.

He would only be at my Nans house for about an hour and I suggested he took his book(he always moans he never has time to read!)

OP posts:
Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 23:17

Sorry, what I meant was that he would be on his own for an hour while we were at the hospital!

OP posts:
unavailable · 22/01/2009 23:17

Just in case what? Sorry, I know I must be missing something.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 23:19

Just i case one one of my DDs were sick! Its in an earlier bit of the thread about the amount of illness that is around at the moment!

OP posts:
unavailable · 22/01/2009 23:26

Apart from the fact that ther is alot of illness around at the moment - is there any reason to think your dd may be ill on the day? If not, I understand why your dh is not happy with your reasons for wanting him to go.

If you want him as moral support because you are feeling a bit vulnerable, why dont you just say so? No shame in that.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 23:29

Unavailable I did ask him. he walked off in a huff, when he had come back in(after making the sandwiches for tomorrow) thats when he got really huffy and said that I was being manipulative

OP posts:
unavailable · 22/01/2009 23:36

How about - " I would really appreciate it if you came with me on Saturday, as I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by (.....) and I would be much happier to have you with us."

Perhaps he got huffy because he felt you were giving him very unconvicing reasons for him going, and he wouldnt object if he knew you just wanted him to be there?

unavailable · 22/01/2009 23:37

unconvincing... d'oh.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 22/01/2009 23:45

Unavailable, I have been married to this man for over 16 yrs,he knows me inside out! He knows how much in the last 8 yrs(after our last DD ) how much I have suffered with sickness. I have managed fantastically the last 18mths even he has said so. I guess I want companionship - I asked for that he has refused - called it manipulative behaviour.

Obviously in his eyes it is - In my eyes its asking for his time - have just had a thought maybe there is sport that he would like to watch?

TBH, DH would react this way to hais own family. Its always left up to me to organise birthday cards. Also even when DH father was dying it was me that made us all go and see him, DH was protesting that he didn't want to see his Father as his Father would know he was only visiting because because he was dying. eventually he did go, just in time!

OP posts:
unavailable · 22/01/2009 23:49

Ahh, ok. As you have made an open, honest request for a (not huge) bit of support, and he has refused, then I would say he is acting like a selfish git.

No more (useless) advice from me.
Hope it all goes ok on Saturday.

twentyoneagain · 23/01/2009 07:57

I understand what you mean about your husband and do agree that he should be supporting you, but something that has occured to me is that if there is a chance that one of your DDs may have contracted some kind of bug then should they be going to see an 89 year old?

Maybe it would be better if DDs all stayed with your DH and you go alone to take your nan. That's what I would do - for what it's worth!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 23/01/2009 08:04

Well, if he really doesn't want to go, he should stay at home with ALL the children, while you go alone and do what you have to do.

They should be his only choices. Come with, or stay and look after the kids. Why should everything - doing your bit for your relatives AND looking after the kids - be left to you?

It's really crap of him to not be prepared to put himself out to support you when you need him.