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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How often does your DP call/text you?

41 replies

kat63 · 22/01/2009 16:32

If you don't live with your DP, how often does he call or text you? I like more contact than my DP - he's quite happy to leave it 2-3 days but I like a quick call/text every day. He's very attentive in other ways so I've told myself it's not because he doesn't care, but it's not working! If I don't contact him, he'll contact me eventually but I can't help feeling a tad pissed off. He's quite happy with texting in general and when we do get on the phone he often wants to talk longer than me.

I've mentioned it calmly a few times but it doesn't make any difference. I only see him fortnightly as well because he lives hours away and for me that makes contact even more important. I'm not insecure or needy and suppose I either have to put up or shut up but would be interesting to compare my situation with others. We've been together nearly a year.

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 22/01/2009 16:40

he rings 3 times a day plus MSN plus text occasionally - tbh i'm like your DP - i'd go all day and not talk to him once - only because I have other stuff going on & like my space.

we see each other 3 times a week thou.

have had to say to him thou enough is enough & to back off a bit.

tbh he prob saves it all up so you have stuff to talk about - I feel when DP rings me so often I have nothing new to say to him n i'd rather have a half hour convo than a few minutes.

MuppetsMuggle · 22/01/2009 16:44

everyday and at least 4 times a day. same even on the 4 days a week, DD and I stay over there.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/01/2009 17:08

had to smile when i read this thread.
IME there doesn't seem to be a happy medium
have been out with a bloke who would quite happily text me in excess of 100 times a day and make several calls too
have also been out with a phoneaphobic where i literally reached the point of sheer frustration with his inability to keep in touch
it wasn't that he didn't care he was just bloody useless and clueless
incidentally that was a LDR

Original poster

kat63 · 22/01/2009 17:33

How bad did it get seriouslyblond - did he never contact you and did you finish it for that reason? My DP does care I know but I'm with you - I don't need loads of contact but just a goodnight text makes me happy.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 22/01/2009 17:55

before we lived together 10years ago

we would either ring or text each day we didnt see each other

if you only see each other every two weeks, then i would expect maybe not daily calls/texts but at least every 2 days

is this relationship going to go anyway? If you both live hours away, one of you will have to move to the others area

or both move to brand new location and new jobs/friends etc

Original poster

kat63 · 22/01/2009 18:04

He is hoping to relocate to my area when his son leaves home (he's 18) but we're not really in a hurry as both of us have responsibilities right now. Also, I'm quite enjoying being on my own after my divorce. I suppose I could cope with once every 2 days but some of the other posts make me feel a bit unloved!

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Aimsmum · 22/01/2009 18:11

Message withdrawn

Horton · 22/01/2009 18:19

I live with my DH and he calls me at least once a day from work. There's definitely a happy medium. It used to be several times a day until I started answering calls with 'Has anything changed in your life since I last spoke to you?'

aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/01/2009 18:49

Kat
there wasn't a set pattern as such which didn't really bother me as he would also MSN me a fair bit
there were a few reasons why it ended but the contact thing did play a part in it
i eventually got fed up of worrying about him if he hadn't been in touch for a couple of days
it just became too stressful for me in the end and post divorce i just don't need it

Original poster

kat63 · 22/01/2009 18:54

asbm - beginning to feel like that myself,it should be fun, not stressful. Did you talk to him about it? I've tried pretending it's not important but it is - and in the beginning I'd get much more from him than I do now.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/01/2009 19:00

i did say that unless he made more effort he wouldn't see me again
which worked to a point
but i eventually realised that he was a waste of my time and energy
i feel positively liberated now lol!

duke748 · 22/01/2009 19:00

I live about 2 and a half hours from my DP. We've been together about a year.

We speak most days for about half hour to one and a half hours, depending on how interesting our days have been!

What I love is when we speak to each other at the end of the day when we are both in our respective beds, to simply say goodnight. Makes me melt just thinking about it.

We send deach other a text twice a week or so, just saying stuff like miss you, looking forward to cuddles on Friday, or whatever. They are a happy bonus and always make me smile!

I guess its finding someone who wants similar levels of contact to you.

Original poster

kat63 · 22/01/2009 19:05

Makes me cry duke to hear what you say about saying goodnight to eachother. We used to do that but it only happens now if I call.I know it's not good enough and it's not the only thing but if he made a bit more effort I'd feel more positive. Glad you feel you made the right decision asbm.

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duke748 · 22/01/2009 19:08

Didn't mean to make you cry hun. I'll call you at night if you want me to!

aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/01/2009 20:56

i do Kat as the whole situation made me unhappy
he's a grown man ffs but i found myself worrying constantly about things happening to him and me never knowing
and i know it wasn't me being needy either
is whats making you unhappy the fact that he doesn't maintain the level of contact you'd like or the level of contact that your friends think he should keep?
i say this as some of my friends thrive on almost constant contact
but what i have learned is that you do have to make an extra effort if you want to maintain a LDR

Original poster

kat63 · 22/01/2009 21:34

Yes, there is that problem with an LDR. I sometimes wonder if he's OK and then feel silly about it but it can be such hard work. Like you I wonder if I can really be arsed, what with having a full-time job and a child to care for! And no, it's the level of contact I'd like, not what anyone else thinks it should be. Hard to ignore your gut feelings.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/01/2009 21:43

if you have discussed plans for the future together then i don't think that it is unreasonable for you to discuss the contact issue really
he should want to do what makes you feel happy/loved and an extra text shouldn't be too much of a problem IMO

MascaraOHara · 22/01/2009 22:04

I've only been with my fella since november but we text throughout the day on and off.

FeelingOld · 22/01/2009 22:32

My dp and I live 25 miles apart, see each other once during the week then most weekends spent together.
When we are apart we text every morning to say hi and every night to say goodnight and there are usually one or two texts during the day and we speak on the phone most nights too.

EightiesChick · 22/01/2009 22:54

I live with my DH but when one of us is away we will usually text at least once during the day - quite often in the morning to say 'how have you slept, miss you' etc and we would speak on the phone in the evening, even if only for a short time, before going to bed. If one of us is away working and occupied in the evening (e.g. at a dinner or evening thing) we might text instead of ringing, especially if the other one wanted to go to bed early. But it would be strange for us to go a day without any contact by either texting or ringing. When we were going out before we lived together texting was in its infancy but we would still probably have spoken every day or at least most days.

Pinkchampagne · 22/01/2009 23:20

We don't live together & only see each other a few times a week because we live in different towns & work different shifts, so will text several times every day & always (even if we have seen each other earlier) send a goodnight kiss.

Pinkchampagne · 22/01/2009 23:21

We have been together a year & a half, forgot to add that.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 22/01/2009 23:27

Me and DP have been together for 18 months, live nearly 90 miles away from each other and make contact every day. We don't always call as we can go on for hours at any time of the day, usually the most expensive! but we do make sure we've both been on MSN or have exchanged texts before saying goodnight

Original poster

kat63 · 23/01/2009 09:17

Thank you for more posts. What most of you ladies seem to be getting is exactly what I want and need and it's making me unhappy settling for anything else. I will discuss it with him this weekend and hope he can appreciate how important it is to me.

I get the impression that all your men do this willingly and that you've never had to raise the subject so don't know how I feel about having to ask him (again). Anyway, if he can't step up it will tell me something about him and as there are other issues too, that maybe I should move on.

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Original poster

kat63 · 23/01/2009 09:41

So is it possible for a woman to be happy with a man who's rather laid back about contact? Is there anyone who has a DP who has phone/text phobia to one degree or another but who is happy nonetheless? At what gets me about mine is that he checks his phone at the weekends and if he hasn't had a text, complains that no-one loves him!

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