Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why everytime things go wrong does he say he is taking the children? He can barely look after himself, let alone two children!

32 replies

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/01/2009 12:56

I have just informed DH after yet another weekend of arguing and aggressive behavior that I more than likely will not be moving into his house once it is ready.

This has been on my mind for a while and I have been umming and arring over moving in with him in his house. But after reading another thread I have realised that I do not want to be stuck with this man in another 5/10/15 years time.

Apparently the children are moving with him. The man cannot even bin his own lager bottles yet he thinks that he can look after two small children, work fulltime and keep up with afterschool activities

Except he doesn't really think that though does he? He is using the children to try and control me? Why does he do this? I have never threatened to take the children from him. EVER.

OP posts:
CreativeZen · 20/01/2009 13:03

Because he knows it is the one thing that will jerk your chain.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/01/2009 13:08

It didn't work. I told him if he can find a way to feasibly make it work, he can have custody of the childre. There is no way he could do this. He works days and needs to work to pay the moragte. He cannot afford childcare ontop of that.

I was hoping we could have shared custody. I would never, ever stop him seeing his children. He is a good father and they both adore him. He is too immature and has too many issues that need adressing to have an adult relationship.

I have not said that I am leaving him forever, but just need some time to get my head together and assess what I really want and he needs a push to get the help he needs with his temper and he needs to take some responsibilty for himself.

OP posts:
blinks · 20/01/2009 13:31

describe 'aggressive and nasty'...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2009 13:38

He is using the children to control you. This is all about power and control as it has always been.

I would also argue whether he is infact a good father to your children. They can indeed have a relationship with their Dad but they and certainly yourself would likely be happier without him in their day to day lives.

Its your call ultimately but in the meantime the people I feel sorry the most for in all this are the children. What are you both teaching them abour relationships currently?.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/01/2009 13:50

Blinks if something happens that he doesn't like/I say something he doesn't agree with/don't bath the children the minute he demands I am labelled 'thick' or 'a bad mother' or 'a lazy cow'

The tone in which he speaks to me and the words he uses are agressive, he has never taken it further than that.

I understand that what the children are seeing is not good, which is another reason why I have decided that this needs to stop. I cannot throw him out as he has no where to go

OP posts:
blinks · 20/01/2009 14:26

oh that's dreadful. if a partner talked to me like that i'd have his guts for garters.

i'm so glad you're getting away from him. fortheloveofgod don't give him full custody though. he'll be the same with his next partner and the kids will still be exposed to his nastiness.

he's bullied you so much that you can't see the woods for the trees. he got himself into this situation so let him get out of it. kick the fucker out.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 20/01/2009 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/01/2009 14:33

No I haven't moved in yet. I don't intend after the last few days. I am so sick of everything being my fault. I have given up. Nothing he says can upset me anymore. I have heard it too many times.

I still don't think that he is a bad person. He just help controlling his temper and becoming a functioning adult. He was babyed very much by mil and still is sometimes. She is often outraged when I go out to work/my mums and don't stay home to feed her precious boy.

OP posts:
blinks · 20/01/2009 14:42

yet his mum won't have him to stay at her house?

it's not up to you to define him, sort him out, diagnose him problems or protect him from the consequences of his actions.

THAT'S HIS JOB.

whether you see it or not, you ARE mothering him by putting up with it. at the end of the day, he's still living with you and you've not made up your mind 100% about the future of your relationship.

if he won't get help then what else is there to think about. he's made the decision for you right there.

either accept him for the bully he is and don't try to change him or finish it properly.

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 20/01/2009 14:52

SheSells- My DP has used our children to get at me in the past during arguments. He'll say well why dont you leave? But dont think you're taking .... and ...... with you!

like I'm gonna leave them with him because that's what he wants! I dont think so!

There's no way that my DP could cope with them on his own.

DONT move in with him!!

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/01/2009 14:55

I don't ready to make that descion yet Blinks. I have lost a lot of my confidence while I been with him and hardly feel like I know myself at all. I see myself standing taking things that I would never in a million years normally put up with. Yet I say nothing. I sometimes wonder if he is right

It makes me feel insecure at work because I am sure people see me as the fat, lazy, thick one.

ATM all I want to do is take some time away from him to regain some of my self confidence and happiness. Then I will asess whether or not it is worth going back to.

It's not just him that needs to change, it's me too.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2009 14:55

If he has nowhere to go then frankly that is his problem.

You say you don't hate him, what do you feel for him?. Not love surely, he seems incapable of showing that to anybody. You cannot act as someone'e enabler and or rescuer in a relationship; either approaches are doomed to failure.

He shouts at you, the children hear this too and pick up on all the bad vibes.

He may well need help controlling his temper and become a funcitonal adult - but he is not yours to fix nor should you try to. Those are his issues; you cannot and should not take ownership of his problems. The emotional damage he sustained is deeply rooted and done years ago doubtless by his own parents.

You enable him; even after all the name calling you are still undecided on the future of your relationship.

Perhaps you should read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2009 14:57

You are right - you need to change your own mindset as well. But you won't do that until you and your children get away from his daily prescence in your lives.

I would also suggest counselling to rebuild your own self esteem and worth.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/01/2009 15:00

I don't really anything for him. Pity sometimes, anger a lot of the time. But no hatred.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2009 18:18

fgs, don't go and live with this man

sorry to be blunt, but that sentence sums it up really

he is not a "good" dad if he verbally abuese their mother

lessonlearned · 20/01/2009 20:39

Don't wait until you are stronger either because the longer you let him chip, chip, chip away at your self esteem, you are never going to get there. Use what time you have to plan and if you can get in touch with some of your anger, use it as a launchpad to a better place emotionally as well as physically.
You will surprise yourself with how well you can cope with the practical matters of everyday life without him sucking the energy out of you.

macdoodle · 20/01/2009 21:00

it took my STBXH 10 years to cross the line from aggressive and nasty to violent and even today I found myself saying " well he's not really physically abusive, hes only hit me twice and tried to force me to have sex with him once" - actually physically had to shake myself and realise what i had said!!!! It took a long time but he got there in the end Was the final straw for me though

blinks · 21/01/2009 00:21

drip drip drip is how these things work.

you need deprogramming.

think of it as a cult that you need to get away from.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 21/01/2009 01:36

Yes macdoodle I have recently though that his behavior towards me is getting worse. The "are fucking thick or something" line is relatively new.

I had to meet him before work to give him dd2, he normally argues with me because she hasn't got a hat/blanket

OP posts:
blinks · 21/01/2009 08:35

have you ever had counselling? not couples counselling...

Alambil · 21/01/2009 09:09

Womens Aid say domestic violence and abuse is:

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

SheSells, what would you say if someone on here, or in RL said "My husband just beat me black and blue - my arm is broken...... but he's ok really - he just needs to sort his temper out"

What would you say to her?

Sweetheart, your HEART and your HEAD is broken - think of it as a broken limb. He's been beating you black and blue with words, not fists.

It's the same thing... but emotional abuse is harder to accept and beleive because there's no physical scars.

Please, please, PLEASE consider things in the cold light of physical pain - transfer your feelings inside to a limb; would it be broken? shattered? need a plastercast? need therapy to get better? ................ now what about you? inside? are you broken?

Think shells - and please don't give him the excuse that he just needs to grow up. He is grown up and this is how he is.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 21/01/2009 10:21

I see what your saying Lewis I just can't seem to apply that thinking to my situation. I know I 'broken' I ahve lost all sense of who I am. And DH fits almost exactly into what you are saying

Destructive critisism is his forte. Though occassionally he can just be downright nasty for no apparent reason.

He takes money from bank never mind my purse. And demands to know what I have spent my money. People tell me not to leave him my card bu I have to because if I go to work and the gas or leccy goes off he will just sit in the dark or the cold untill I get home. Or he will borrow money from his mum and then I have to pay her back. He does contribute financially just not a great deal. It's mainly by paying bills he thinks I should pay, i.e. the phone bill, Next etc which I 'refuse to pay because I waste all my money'

Denial; Of course it's not his fault. If I just kept the house cleaner, looked after the children better, cooked more often, put make up on more often, straightened my hair everyday, gave him sex more often....well then things would be just fine That's what 'normal' women do apparently.

Even when I see what I have written there I don't hate him I just feel indredably sorry for him. When I leave He is going to end up a very lonely and twisted little man. Well *I am not going to leave, I have no where else to go. He is going gto leave and I am not going with him.

Counselling I haven't had no. I cannot afford to go private and would the NHS give me counselling for this? Wouldn't my doctor just tell me to get a grip and leave him?

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 21/01/2009 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 21/01/2009 11:00

Roffle.

He has changed his FB relationship status to 'It's complicated'. Personally I don't see what is so complicated about "I am not moving in with you" but at least he is finally seeing that something is wrong, even if he doesn't understand how wrong things are.

OP posts:
twoluvlykids · 21/01/2009 11:11

lol at a grown man using fb relationship status.

ffs

you are not to blame for his inadequacies

i'd keep your own place, maybe change the locks too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread