Why everytime things go wrong does he say he is taking the children? He can barely look after himself, let alone two children!

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

I have just informed DH after yet another weekend of arguing and aggressive behavior that I more than likely will not be moving into his house once it is ready.

This has been on my mind for a while and I have been umming and arring over moving in with him in his house. But after reading another thread I have realised that I do not want to be stuck with this man in another 5/10/15 years time.

Apparently the children are moving with him. The man cannot even bin his own lager bottles yet he thinks that he can look after two small children, work fulltime and keep up with afterschool activities

Except he doesn't really think that though does he? He is using the children to try and control me? Why does he do this? I have never threatened to take the children from him. EVER.

pity would be something i might feel for him if he lost everything because of his behaviour even though he pursued counselling and tried to change.

i feel anything but pity for someone who feels big by making others feel small and makes no effort to remedy this.

all roads lead to rome so why put it off? do you have enough support to weather a split?

I have enough support if he still takes the children while I work. Which would have been my plan, he has them on the nights I work, as per usual, but has them at his house overnight. He gets them up and ready for school and I will pick them up from his house before he leaves for work and take them to school.

He can have them everyother weekend when he is off work, providing he agrees to keep dd1 in dancing on saturday because she would be devastated if she missed it.

I wouldn't pursue him for maintenace as he would have them and be feeding them 50% of the time, but I'd keep all child related benefits as I imagine I would still be the main provider for them in terms of clothing, class fee's etc.

My main concern is that we are not actually married and he owns most of the stuff in the house i.e. the tv, the washer, the tumble dryer, the bed, the hoover and I would struggle to replace all of these things.

If he wouldn't have the dd's while I worked I would have to leave and be even worse off. I do have a v supportive family close by but they don't have the time/space to look after the dds while I work.

if you have a plan, what's stopping you?

i'm sure you could find cheap appliances so it can't be that... gumtree etc

how long have you lived together and how come he 'owns' most of the stuff?

your situation is classic emotional abuse....never mind you putting up with it, why is it ok for your children to think this is a normal model of how relationships operate, of how men are supposed to treat women, of what women are expected to accept in the way of treatment - by staying you are setting them up for some really unhappy patterns of behaviour later in life. you are not the only one being 'broken' here. sorrry if that sounds harsh. and if your kids are to be with him half the time, how long will it be before he vents his stuff on them when he doesn't have you around to vent on? men like this need someone to take it out on...i'm confused that you are seriously thinking of volunteering your kids for this....

We have lived together four years now. He owns most of the stuff because I pay fot the day to day things and he pays for the big credit agreements, so everything in his name.

I don't think he would ever take things out on the kids. But obv if he did I would have to re look at custody arrangements.

ATM he is acting all pod persony . We had a good talk two days ago and he is making a real effort to try and make things better.

I am taking things a day at a time though and he is aware it is going to be a long time before I move in with him into 'his' house and won't happen at all untill I have an escape plan.

He house will be ready soon and he will move into it when it is. I will/might move in if things stay this way. If they change back I am staying put.

not exactly the best premise for living together...

'i'll move in if you promise not to verbally abuse me anymore'.

you sound resigned to your shit relationship which is every bit as scary as the names he calls you. not that i'm surprised because this is what being in such a relationship does to you- your perception of what is acceptable warps.

from everything you say, it's clear you're not ready to call a day on this relationship.

that's hard to accept even though i don't even know you because, as a woman and mother, i don't like to read about you being abused in this way... if you don't feel strong enough YET, i would implore you to work your confidence levels and self-esteem so that when you DO feel you want out, you are more likely to follow through.

get some counselling. just go to your gp and ask to be referred. you don't need to even say why. they'll send you to someone who assesses your needs and they'll refer you on to the right counselling service. you are entitled to up to twenty sessions free on the nhs. typical waiting time is around 4 months from gp appt- counselling begins.

"I won't move in unless I have an escape plan"

come ON shells.

NOone I know of develops relationships with such clauses.

Why move in if you're expecting any day to move out?

Move onwards and UPWARDS - break away and rediscover your self esteem.