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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just had 4 policemen round - he hit me because I didn't want him to read my MN stuf

84 replies

Carla · 02/04/2005 19:23

And threw me to the ground. He'll be back tonight, though. They couldn't stop him.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 02/04/2005 20:55

Sweety, i know from the past i changed when it first happened to me. My innocence went, i ignored it and forgave him. Even if it was a one off i was never the same, i had fear, i behaved, i became insular. I began to loose all confidence and not recognise myself. This wasn't from being badly beaten it was from one night of having his hand round my throat, knocking me off balance and then kicking me in the stomach when i was on the floor. From then on things were never the same exceot i didn't realise. I was giving my needs away because i loved him, but i should have loved myself too. Nobody can tell you what to do now, i understand nobody knows exactly how you feel, but he has scared you and even if you work it out you will always be living slightly on edge. The least you can make him do is see a therapist, if he really truly is ashamed of himself he should and will go through anything to get you back.

suedonim · 02/04/2005 21:24

I don't know your history or anything, Carla, but I truly hope you're okay tonight.

bossykate · 02/04/2005 21:30

crikey, carla, i've read this and your other thread. please go and get some professional advice so that you can feel empowered to get yourself out of this situation. iirc, things have not been good for a long time. good luck and bon courage.

Tortington · 03/04/2005 02:27

how are you?

alux · 03/04/2005 04:35

Carla, look at what you have said:
"TBH, he's not the sort for physical abuse, but it frightened me enough to want to call them."

From everything else he has said, he is the sort for physical abuse - if a man has done it once, he will do it again - and he has done it more than once already. By inaction you have shown that you find it acceptable. S

hocking remark this is it is the bare-faced truth: right now, you are a part of the problem.

Right now, you can be a part of the solution. Act on what everyone else here has said.

I have never said this to anyone but one of the earliest memories of my childhood was my parents fighting. Really, now I know that my mum was being slapped about. I slept in a crib in their room, that is how young I was. I even remember exact words she was saying and how my dad was poo-poohing her desperation. I was shaking with fear and frightened that if they ever discovered I was awake that I would be in trouble.

My dad left when I was seven and a month before he left he beat the crap out of my mum - my older brother, sister, and I were wide awake and I remember feeling desperate and my older sister hysterical.

alux · 03/04/2005 06:07

oops, from everything you have said...

mummytosteven · 03/04/2005 11:01

Carla, how are you this morning?

mummytosteven · 03/04/2005 12:57

bump

Beetroot · 03/04/2005 14:01

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suzywong · 03/04/2005 14:06

OH no Carla
I wondered if this would be you

rickman · 03/04/2005 14:55

Message withdrawn

Carla · 03/04/2005 15:44

There's often a question on MN - what has it done for you? And I've never answered it. But you guys have been such a support to me. Even though my sister's around now, and my mum says' We'll get things finished by Christmas, Carla' My family are wonderful, but in some ways they're too close.

I could almost feel the police - as they asked me if I wanted to press charges - and adding that it seemed like a 'loving' home - that they'd obviously seen worse than this. Coming into a Lt.Col's home, with its middle-classness, they obviously and quite rightly thougt I wasn't in immediate danger. Perhaps that's not obvious, it's just how I imagine they percieve it.

But the thing that really disappoints me is myself. I went out and bought a bottle of wine today, and I've drank it.

OP posts:
sistermoon · 03/04/2005 15:54

don't despair - climb back on the wagon- you are stronger than you think- A weak man often hit me but in the end I was strong enough to kick him out- you have that strength without a drink - remove all temptation to go backwards now would be to let him win . Take care

unicorn · 03/04/2005 16:04

Carla, you will be ok..please believe in yourself.

Don't feel bad about the wine, you are going through major stress.

Put it behind you, and look ahead.

xxxxxx

emmatom · 03/04/2005 16:05

As a retired Police Officer, be assured the officers are aware domestic violence knows no boundaries of class, race, creed, or culture.

Abusers nearly always continue to abuse, despite apologies too. It used to break my heart when a woman, beaten to within inches of her life sometimes, used to make excuses for the partner, 'he only did it because he was drunk/stressed/I annoyed him etc.', and then proceed to withdraw the complaint and take him back.

Sometimes it can seem the easier option to 'put up with it'. The complete upheaval of so called normal life that comes with making a complaint, following it through and splitting up a family etc. etc. seems a huge mountain to climb when you feel like you're in the pits anyway.

But you must remember, you do not have to live like this, life should be free of fear from those closest to you and there are numerous people out there who will help you get started.

Beetroot · 03/04/2005 16:20

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Mosschops30 · 03/04/2005 16:57

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alux · 03/04/2005 19:39

When I wrote my post earlier I thought I didn't need to point out what was obvious to me but now re-reading my post, I thought I better made it explicit.

This abuse is not just about you Carla. It is about your children too.

I am 35 yrs old now and I still feel the pain from the abuse I witnessed.

Children who witness abuse are more likely to become abusers themselves or become victims of abuse.

You owe it to your children as well as yourself to get away from this man.

Yes, abuse knows no boundaries. Admittedly this story comes from the US but think about it. The husband of a friend came from a wealthy, and prominent family in her town, as did she. Two weeks before she shot her in the head, she told her sister that if anything happened to her she wanted to make sure that her family, not his got custody of the children.

WideWebWitch · 03/04/2005 20:27

Carla, I hope you're ok. I agree with everyone who says this is unacceptable and you need to get him out.

Marina · 03/04/2005 20:46

Carla, I'm so sorry. Don't see the other thread that someone referred to further down, but know you have had so much to contend with recently. Hope you are OK and that Mn support continues to help a little. Thinking of you and the girls.

edam · 03/04/2005 21:05

Carla, really sorry you've been treated this way. Please do think very carefully about the advice you've been offered here, from people who have been in similar situations.
I hope you are safe tonight.

Carla · 03/04/2005 23:08

Just an update - dd1 wanted to go swimming this afternoon, and he took them both. I've hidden both their passports. I'm hoping my best friend will come round tomorrow, and that my GP will see me, though the first vacancy she has is not until 6 April. Just think I'm sliding on a slippery slope, and I don't want to be there.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt tonight, and asked him if he wanted to talk about it. The answer was no.

OP posts:
rickman · 03/04/2005 23:13

Message withdrawn

Bearess · 03/04/2005 23:16

Carla - thinking of you. Unfortunately my dad used to be violent towards my mum, so I know a little bit about this. If you would like to talk, let me know - or meet, I am in London. Good luck.

marthamoo · 03/04/2005 23:20

Carla, I hope you can somehow find it within yourself to end this. No-one should have to live like you are doing. Your children do not deserve to live like this. Somewhere you have a life, without him, without the booze, happy and safe with your children - I hope you can find the strength to find it. You are a lovely person - you don't deserve to live like this, and he doesn't have the right to treat you this way.

Have you got phone numbers for Women's Aid, a refuge nearby, CAB? You need to get some real advice - as well as the appointment with your GP.

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