The background to this is that DH promised me, at the start of our relationship about 9 years ago, that he wouldn't look at porn (again). This was after I found a couple of links accidentally on his computer (they came up when I stared media player or some such). They were from before he met me, but I wasn't sure of that and was upset. The reason I was so upset is that, prior to getting together with DH, I was living with my ex. I discovered that my ex had been calling transvetite porn sex lines obssessively - just after I'd gone to work in the morning, when I was in bed asleep - and also discovered that he'd been looking at transvesite porn on my work lap-top. My ex refused point blank to discuss this, and I was left with a lot of questions and hurt, particuarly as he had impotence problems. There were also other occasions when he lied to me.
Anyway, when I discovered the porn on DH's computer, I was livid. We had an AWFUL, nasty fight that still pains me to think about. We managed to get over it, and have learned to fight constructively and far less. As far as I was concerned, DH was extremely truthful and trustworthy and a man of his word.
Until last Tuesday ...
I am five months pregnant with our second child, and for some reason I became paranoid and suspicious. I went through DH's email. As well as his main email address, he had another one with google mail. I was vaguely aware he had that, but it seemed from his main email address that he was actively using the google mail one too. So I broke into that. And there I discovered that he'd saved, in his draft email file, two (admittedly very tame) video clips of a pair of naked twins. He did this in 2006.
Then I discovered that he'd joined this porn forum that provides links from hackers to porn sites, so that you can view the porn without subscribing to the sites. DH joined in June 2008.
I confronted DH who immediately admitted it. He said that he found the forum because he was looking at stuff about hackers on the internet - he's a software engineer by profession - and there was a link to this forum. He joined to read the stuff about hacking, but admitted that he wasn't naive, he did know it was a porn forum and he was also curious to see the porn. This 'excuse' does ring true, as the forum does have discussions about hacking on it.
He said he looked at the forum less than once a month. That it wasn't about me, that it was just pure selfish, self-gratification and was the lazy option as he could have a quick wank. He said he didn't look at the girls and think they were hot, it was just purely biological. And that he felt terrible for breaking his promise to me, but had just been thinking selfishly and thought I wouldn't find out. He couldn't remember when he'd saved the 2006 clips, and said that they were a one-off that he accidentally came across. He saved them just to see if he could from a technical perspective because he'd accessed them due to a technical fault by google that was common knowledge at the time. He said he hadn't looked at them again (he vaguely remembered them) and that he wasn't looking at any porn until he came across the forum last year.
I asked him if he commented on the forum and he said he had, because that was the rules, you had to thank someone for providing the link. I asked if he'd written comments about the girls as I'd seen such comments written by other people, but he was categoric that he had just written things like 'thanks for the link'.
He offered to go to counselling and to put an internet nanny on his computer that only I would know the password to.
I felt devasted and betrayed as he'd lied to me. And I feel so vulnerable as I'm pregnant. But then it got worse. When he suggested the next day that we change the password of the forum to something we both didn't know (a random set of typed letters) so he couldn't use it (you were unable to delete the account), I said I wanted to search for his posts. He said he didn't want me doing that. But I did. And he didn't just write 'thanks for the link', he made comments like 'gorgeous pussy', 'the German big tit site is amazing', and 'gorgeous Asian sluts'.
I was DEVASTED. The fact that he commented after he said he didn't just seemed like another lie. And the fact that he thought that about the girls he was looking at ... DH said he honestly can't remember typing those comments, that he must have just put the first thing that came into his head, that he is very ashamed and can't believe he wrote that, and that he was just looking at the images as images.
What his comments did reveal is that - and I checked the dates - he was right that he looked at it when I was out. And he only made 7 comments, most of them in July and August. He said he got bored, and indeed there were no comments from his between August and last week.
I feel so terrible that he has lied. I think I could have gotton over the porn if he hadn't written what he did or broken his original promise to me. He is very sorry, and has talked about this every night since Tuesday, but I feel so betrayed. He claims that he never thinks of real women in that way at all, only wants me, and I know he has never cheated. He claims he really desires me, just that sometimes a quick wank was the lazy option and that he felt shy telling me he was feeling frisky sometimes. Which is a shame, as the one thing I wanted more from him was to know that he desired me often. OUr sex life has been good, and fairly regular even though I'm pregnant and we both work hard.
But right now, I don't want him looking at me naked and I don't want him coming to the second scan next week (when we'd find out the baby's sex). I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have wished I wasn't pregnant with his child.
Please help. I haven't told anyone in RL as all my friends know and love my husband and I feel so ashamed.