I feel devasted and betrayed over DH's broken promise

[Grappling]

The background to this is that DH promised me, at the start of our relationship about 9 years ago, that he wouldn't look at porn (again). This was after I found a couple of links accidentally on his computer (they came up when I stared media player or some such). They were from before he met me, but I wasn't sure of that and was upset. The reason I was so upset is that, prior to getting together with DH, I was living with my ex. I discovered that my ex had been calling transvetite porn sex lines obssessively - just after I'd gone to work in the morning, when I was in bed asleep - and also discovered that he'd been looking at transvesite porn on my work lap-top. My ex refused point blank to discuss this, and I was left with a lot of questions and hurt, particuarly as he had impotence problems. There were also other occasions when he lied to me.

Anyway, when I discovered the porn on DH's computer, I was livid. We had an AWFUL, nasty fight that still pains me to think about. We managed to get over it, and have learned to fight constructively and far less. As far as I was concerned, DH was extremely truthful and trustworthy and a man of his word.

Until last Tuesday ...

I am five months pregnant with our second child, and for some reason I became paranoid and suspicious. I went through DH's email. As well as his main email address, he had another one with google mail. I was vaguely aware he had that, but it seemed from his main email address that he was actively using the google mail one too. So I broke into that. And there I discovered that he'd saved, in his draft email file, two (admittedly very tame) video clips of a pair of naked twins. He did this in 2006.

Then I discovered that he'd joined this porn forum that provides links from hackers to porn sites, so that you can view the porn without subscribing to the sites. DH joined in June 2008.

I confronted DH who immediately admitted it. He said that he found the forum because he was looking at stuff about hackers on the internet - he's a software engineer by profession - and there was a link to this forum. He joined to read the stuff about hacking, but admitted that he wasn't naive, he did know it was a porn forum and he was also curious to see the porn. This 'excuse' does ring true, as the forum does have discussions about hacking on it.

He said he looked at the forum less than once a month. That it wasn't about me, that it was just pure selfish, self-gratification and was the lazy option as he could have a quick wank. He said he didn't look at the girls and think they were hot, it was just purely biological. And that he felt terrible for breaking his promise to me, but had just been thinking selfishly and thought I wouldn't find out. He couldn't remember when he'd saved the 2006 clips, and said that they were a one-off that he accidentally came across. He saved them just to see if he could from a technical perspective because he'd accessed them due to a technical fault by google that was common knowledge at the time. He said he hadn't looked at them again (he vaguely remembered them) and that he wasn't looking at any porn until he came across the forum last year.

I asked him if he commented on the forum and he said he had, because that was the rules, you had to thank someone for providing the link. I asked if he'd written comments about the girls as I'd seen such comments written by other people, but he was categoric that he had just written things like 'thanks for the link'.

He offered to go to counselling and to put an internet nanny on his computer that only I would know the password to.

I felt devasted and betrayed as he'd lied to me. And I feel so vulnerable as I'm pregnant. But then it got worse. When he suggested the next day that we change the password of the forum to something we both didn't know (a random set of typed letters) so he couldn't use it (you were unable to delete the account), I said I wanted to search for his posts. He said he didn't want me doing that. But I did. And he didn't just write 'thanks for the link', he made comments like 'gorgeous pussy', 'the German big tit site is amazing', and 'gorgeous Asian sluts'.

I was DEVASTED. The fact that he commented after he said he didn't just seemed like another lie. And the fact that he thought that about the girls he was looking at ... DH said he honestly can't remember typing those comments, that he must have just put the first thing that came into his head, that he is very ashamed and can't believe he wrote that, and that he was just looking at the images as images.

What his comments did reveal is that - and I checked the dates - he was right that he looked at it when I was out. And he only made 7 comments, most of them in July and August. He said he got bored, and indeed there were no comments from his between August and last week.

I feel so terrible that he has lied. I think I could have gotton over the porn if he hadn't written what he did or broken his original promise to me. He is very sorry, and has talked about this every night since Tuesday, but I feel so betrayed. He claims that he never thinks of real women in that way at all, only wants me, and I know he has never cheated. He claims he really desires me, just that sometimes a quick wank was the lazy option and that he felt shy telling me he was feeling frisky sometimes. Which is a shame, as the one thing I wanted more from him was to know that he desired me often. OUr sex life has been good, and fairly regular even though I'm pregnant and we both work hard.

But right now, I don't want him looking at me naked and I don't want him coming to the second scan next week (when we'd find out the baby's sex). I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have wished I wasn't pregnant with his child.

Please help. I haven't told anyone in RL as all my friends know and love my husband and I feel so ashamed.

Agreed SGSJA. I think what I meant was that it is different from straight porn but a fetish. I have no issues with transvetites or transexuals for that matter one of my former colleagues is a post op transexual and a lovely person who has gone through hell.

However I can understand why the OP would be uncomfortable with transvestite porn because it's men dressed as women. I wouldn't be happy if my DP was viewing gay porn which isn't that far removed.

That's a fair point about World of Warcraft dittany however, although porn uses real woman, these woman are making a choice to behave in this way. they have a choice to star in porn shows knowing full well that men will be watching and masturbating over them.

They are in no way being 'used' for men's entertainment any more than an actor is being used for our entertainment when playing a demanding or embarrasing role in a film.

Obviously i wouldn't want my daughters to go into the industry but neither would I want them, after me paying for a private education, to work on the checkout at Tesco but if they did it would be their choice.

Incidentally the girls in 'Schoolgirl Whores' will not actually be under age, they will just look it - unfortunately making them more appealing to men

I think that (if you're anything like me) your self-esteem is quite low when you're pregnant, and the thought of your DH looking at slim gorgeous young models is obviously hurtful. But men do look at porn - they're biologically programmed to respond visually to women, so it's no surprise that they get turned on by looking. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, just that maybe he likes a bit of titilation once in a while. Please try not to be too hard on him, or he will lie to you even more. He sounds as though he's a bit embarrassed by what he's done. I think the best thing you could do is to accept and try to understand that he does this. If he knows you're not going to attack him for it he's more likely to be honest about it, and it seems that the honesty issue is far more important than the porn itself. Hope you work things out and good luck with your pregnancy x

With you completely brazenhussy - did anyone see that series on Living I think - Girls from Porno Valley I think it was called. No way were they being exploited, big houses, big cars and numerous merchandising deals that they actively chased. They knew exactly what they were doing and were very happy to reap the large financial rewards. Their view was that it was the men paying to watch who were exploited. Indeed, they were paid 3 to 4 times more than what the men were getting paid for each film.

Admittedly there may be some women involved in the more unpleasant and extreme aspects of the porn business who are being exploited perhaps through needing money to feed drug addiction but this wasn't an issue in the OPs post. Vulnerable people are exploited all the time in many different ways. Her DH was only viewing straight 'vanilla' porn. I did a quick google search (using cache of course) on 'schoolgirl whores' and all the sites I found had disclaimers on stating that all the girls were of legal age and the site was for entertainment only. Certainly, in the majority of the pics that came up in no way did the girls look younger than their mid 20s. Putting a 25 year old, caked in make up and who is covered in tattoos in bunches and knee high socks does not make her look like a 16 year old by any stretch of the imagination and more fool any bloke who pays to look at it.

As I said previously, I occasionally look at porn but there is no way that I would ever want to act any of it out in real life. It's fantasy and that's that.

It really is the men who pay to look at these sites who are being exploited. Seems to me that the majority of women involved know exactly what they are doing and are making a good living out of it. Women are sexual beings too, some like men looking at them and many are good businesswomen who combine that. Why do some people automatically assume that any woman who is involved in porn and is probably making a good living must be being exploited by a man? Perhaps they just don't like the idea that us women can manipulate men's basic and predicatble needs for our own ends so easily.

And no, before anyone asks, I'm not involved in porn at all. I'm a qualified finance professional working in a very traditional environment. But.... nearly all my male colleagues admit to looking at porn.

ANyfucker: Sorry, was using 'you' in the general sense. Some people can and do cope perfectly well with having a partner who is a tranny or tranny fan or bisexual. Some find it a deal breaker. Of course, some men who have issues around their gender behave very badly to their partners even when the partners try to be fair and accommodating about the fetish, but that's another matter (ie a prat is a prat no matter what his/her sexual tastes.)

You are married to a man who lies and lies to you and presumably thinks that's ok for a "quiet life"

There is something so embarrassingly adolescent about an adult man with a porn habit, regardless of how common ( in all senses of the word) it has become in England in recent years.

I agree with dittany about scholgirl whores. It's not illegal to be turned on by the idea of paying underage girls for sex, but I would not want to have children with a man who was so into the idea he sought out pictures of it to masturbate to.

Years ago many women complained about their man's use of chat sex lines. Now its internet porn usage. Part of porn's success is built on its continual exploitation of new technology, from internet websites to mobile phone downloads.

Not every man and or woman for that matter feels a need to look at porn or porn websites on the net. If it is a problem for this poster then it is. Question then is what are they going to do?. Ultimately all this could destroy their marriage.

If he does go to counselling (and I hope this is something that he will do) then I think you should go as well. Grappling I don't think he's disgusted about your body at all, he may also be looking at these websites now because he has become addicted to the content.

Pornography once meant blank wrappers and shifty visits to the adult shop. Now it comes straight into the home in seconds and, once invited, keeps inviting itself in, to the potential detriment of marital and family life.

I'm sorry, Grappler, that you feel upset by this.

Your reaction is so extreme that this is clearly about something more than him just looking at a bit of porn. It must tap into how you scared and angry you felt with your expartner. It's not really fair to burden your current partner with all that baggage, though.

Maybe counselling on your own to work out what's going on, and work through your still present feelings about it?

It must all be exacerbated by pregnancy hormones as well, but really, he sounds like a good guy whose been backed into a bit of a corner. I can't imagine trying to make someone promise that - it's setting them up to fail.

I hope you feel better and calmer soon.

Just wanted to add two things:

I really disagree that if the OP or her partner (or both!) went to counselling about this, they would be 'laughed out of the building' as one poster put it. Sorry but that's unhelpful and I don't see why you felt the need to post that. There are obviously some deep seated issues coming out here, but like I said before, if the OP isn't comfortable with her DP being into porn, she's entitled to feel that way. No counsellor worth their salt would ever laugh and tell someone to get lost. FGS.

The other (slightly contradictory) thing is, when I was pregnant I turned into a bit of a loony. I kept thinking my DP was going to run off with someone else, even though he was devoted to me and we spent loads of time together. Everything was fine to him, but in my head I was dying and the fear and lack of trust was massive. I calmed right down after I gave birth and it was nice being in a calmer place, mentally Pregnancy hormones are bizarre, they can really amplify things and distort perceptions and reactions. So it might be worth bearing that in mind.

I think counselling is a good idea too as it might help the OP deal with her issues around insecurity and a need to control what her partner sees and thinks. Because it is controlling behaviour to insist that a partner stops doing something he/she enjoys and it is going to backfire on you at some point because people are not property and being married to someone doesn't mean they have to obey you when they don't want to.

Grappling this happened to me when I was pregnant with our second child. DH looking at porn. I went absolutely ballistic, and threatened to throw him out etc. I have to say at the time I was so upset and felt so betrayed. But we worked through it and 3 years later we're fine.

TBH I think when your pregnant your hormones take over any rational thinking. And I think if you can possibly try and look at the bigger picture, as hard as it may be, that what he did although very hurtful and sneaky wasn't that bad. And the things he looked at were pretty tame, also he hadn't looked/commented on the forum since August. I think let him know how you feel by all means, but forgive him and move on. Other than this you have a good marrige and he is a good father.

Cheefulvicky, my incredulous response to the suggestion of counselling was because the OP was insisting the he alone have counselling because he had "viewed mainstream porn on a few occasions". IMO that is hardly a case for needing counselling.

She did not imply that they would see a counsellor together, to work through how his use of porn was affecting them as a couple.

In my opinion, they need help together or, and this will sound harsh, she needs help on her own because her difficulty with past relationships has intensified her reaction to her dh's behaviour to an unreasonable level.

FGS (to echo cheerfulvicky). if every bloke who had ever used porn needed counselling, the professionals would be completely swamped with referrals.......

Grappling - I think that if you think there is a problem and if your DH thinks there is a problem too, then there is one and you'd be right to go to counselling to sort it out.

The issue here isn't what other people's opinion of porn is, but what you and your partner's is.

My DH is addicted to porn. His use of it is relatively mild, but for him it is a problem and so he seeks treatment.

I just wanted to say that I don't think that porn is harmless or that all or most men use it.

Lots of people don't use or like porn.

As for schoolgirl whores - how vile.

I just say this so that the OP doesn't think she must be mad or wrong not to take a laid back attitude to her partner's use of porn. I'd be upset too.

Thanks so much for all your responses and the support and advice. I've been away from the computer until now and have only just seen them.

I have some responses to some of the responses.

Firstly, AnyFucker, you clearly didn't read a certain sentence in my OP correctly although I can see I also didn't make something clear.

I wrote: "He offered to go to counselling and to put an internet nanny on his computer that only I would know the password to."

It was not, as you claimed, me insisting that my DP go to counselling alone. It was his suggestion and the suggestion - and this was the bit I didn't make clear - was for us to go together.

The schoolgirl whores is not pleasant to come across, no. But DH wasn't actively searching for it. He is a member of this forum where a hacker hacks into porn sites and provides a link to the other members so they can view it for free. Forum membership is free. So DH was in no way paying for porn, nor was he actively seeking out certain types of images, although obviously he chose to click on that link (it wasn't one he made a specific message about, btw). His 'defence' is that the women are clearly not schoolgirls - true - and that everything on the site is legal as that is one of the forum rules. He also said he didn't feel particuarly good about that but he was just clicking on links. To be fair to him, and he didn't say this, this is just my observation from having seen the site, it is not often clear what the posted link is actually for. The links are a bunch of code, not descriptions, so if you are just clicking on links provided, you don't necessarily know what you are going to get.

As for my past DP and the transvesite porn, I think something from my post was missed - which was, my DP had sexual issues. To be specific, he had a condition called 'retarded ejaculation' and couldn't ejaculate inside me. We went to sex therapy about this, but it didn't improve because he wasn't putting in the effort to try the various exercises we were given 3x a week. He would rather play on his computer. Given other stuff I know, I suspect DP had issues over his sexuality and I have sympathy towards him for some things. But he kept a lot from me and then resolutely refused to discuss them. It was quite crushing to be with someone who you couldn't get full satisfaction from making love to you, and whom also looked at these sites. It left me with a lot of questions that he couldn't answer. He also lied to me about seeing other people.

The stuff with my ex though is not something I feel painful about now. MY DH is so different from my ex. He is very committed and honest. I think that's why it hurt, that there were secrets. And if I hadn't been pregnant, maybe I wouldn't have felt so crushed.

BUT, DH and I have been talking every night this week. We had a mammoth and very good four-hour talk last night in which we managed to calmly talk about our feelings. I felt reassured that he wasn't about me. We talked about how, although we both wanted more sex than the once a week we currently have and how we both have sexual feelings outside of this time, but how tiredness and embarrassment got in the way. We both wanted more flirting, more talking about sex but it was something we both felt the other wasn't keen on! We talked about how DH finds it difficult to emotionally interract and how he retreats to his computer (to play computer games, which he does a lot) because it's easier. We both agreed that it had been lovely when we'd been on holiday recently how, with no TV or computers, we'd spent our evenings talking or playing games or sitting reading together. DH said he would like us to spend more time together in the evenings, and I agree. We discussed how we feel that, at this point, there is no need for counselling because we're able to talk through things. I said that part of the problem is that I needed more indication that he sexually desired me, and he agreed that he wasn't actually good at voicing that. He said things that I've been wanting him to say for AGES, and I know they were genuine because of specific memories he talked about. He said he is very sorry for the hurt caused, and that he has no desire to look at porn again. I said I wasn't sure how long that would last, but he was adamant because it was something he'd got bored of quickly anyway.

Anyway, our talk led us to have very, very, good sex last night. And again this morning.

As for me and self-esteem isses, it probably isn't surprising that people picked up on this. I do think it's magnified by being pregnant, but I had a shitty childhood with emotionally and physically abusive parents and this has left me thinking I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist about this, and the thing was that I'd made such big progress and had been feeling so secure, that this felt like such a big knock-back. I talked to my therapist about it before I'd seen DH's comments, and he said that I was very vulnerable at the mo as I'm pregant, and that this incident was perhaps seeming bigger in my head than it was. He said what we had to work on was why it felt like such a betrayl to me (and that's when the session ended). I will talk about all this to my therapist next week, but I do feel much better now that DH and I have talked.

Sorry, have more to add -
I should perhaps point out that My ex-DP's sexual retardation wasn't just something he experienced with me, but with the other couple of women he'd had sex with. Indeed, with the two others he'd been impotent but this improved with me (and sex therapy) but not to the point of him being able to ejaculate inside me, just next to me.

I do feel pretty icky that DH looked at 'schoolgirl whores' and another site that was clearly marked at being teenagers. I'm going to raise this with my therapist next week as I hadn't seen what some of the sites were when I saw him a few days ago.

The last time my DH made a comment on the forum - and he said he was on a few more times than he commented - was a week ago. But there was a massive gap in time btw that comment and the previous one, which was made in August. In fact, last August he had a good week when I went out three times in one week (v unsual for me) and he was on the site all of those times. I think what hurts also is that we were trying for a baby at that time.

grappling thanks for coming back. wow! you sound like you have communicated so well with your dh and he back. you have explained yourself so well in those two posts and seem to have a good understanding of the situation. i know any residual problems you will tackle in counselling.

this could be a good thing in your relationship, opening the lines of communication again. but i don't mean any disrespect to the pain you have felt in the last few weeks, just looking on the positive!

do you think maybe your dh visited the site when you were ttc as he felt some sort of 'pressure'? don't mean to speak out of turn, just trying to help you understand. apparently it is not uncommon for some men (or women) to retreat sexually at such a time.

you have dealt with this situation calmly and thoroughly and i wish you the very best in the future with your dh, dcs, and of course the new baby .

Grappling: sounds like you and your DP will sort it out just fine with a bit of help, and the best of luck to you.