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Original poster

Is it possible to be friends with someone who always has to be better...........?

30 replies

conniedescending · 15/01/2009 14:39

better at cooking, money management, relationships, being green, organising toys, discipline, cleaning, singing, sex, playing, exercising, philosophy,reading, being spiritual, dieting, pet care, decorating, breastfeeding......umm think thats about it

she is otherwise really nice

OP posts:
ilovetochat · 15/01/2009 14:44

just tell her you are better at being modest,
tbh she doesn't sound very nice, sounds like she is using you to make herself feel better, she may be insecure herself.

LiffeyKidman · 15/01/2009 15:19

I think it would be possible for me now. But it wouldn't have been ten years ago!

Like ilovetochat says, if you're good at being modest then it's possible!

Sounds liek you are better at "being comfortable in your own skin".

(cos she sounds a tiny bit try-hard) although I believe you that she's nice. I have a friend like this!

LiffeyKidman · 15/01/2009 15:20

ps connie, just a thought, but are you better at making other people around you feel at ease???? are you better at seeing the humour in any situation.

sarah293 · 15/01/2009 15:21

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MrsMattie · 15/01/2009 15:22

I struggle with a friend who is like this. To be honest, I only keep up the friendship because our friends are kids. She can be a right pain. I just smile sweetly in the quiet knowledge that i am much more secure in myself and probably happier.

minouminou · 15/01/2009 15:22

organising toys? cooking? bet she gives some great teddybears' picnics, then
i think if you can ignore the bad bits, and the good bits outweigh them, then yes

BrownSuga · 15/01/2009 15:27

I have met someone in our circle of friends who is seemingly perfect, and I can't bring myself to become friendly with her. But that is my failing I think, rather than hers. See, she's perfect!

LoulouCapone · 15/01/2009 16:08

I think it depends how it is being done. I have two friends like this.
One is part of a group of us who went to school together and stayed close.
She is very, my house is..., my car is..., my kids are... blah, blah , blah. BUT - she does it because her life actually isn't all that and she is almost accentuating the positives to hide the bad bits. The rest of us are actually all quite down to earth and accept some things aren't great and so on. Trouble is we all know that under the surface they have some serious ishoos! So we kind of toleratle it because she's not nasty about it iyswim, and at sme point she will need all our support?
The other however I met through our children when they were small. She actually believes she is better, and is always trying to encourage me to do things differently. Like her way. Because that's better.
I'm unavailable to her quite a lot.

traceybath · 15/01/2009 16:10

it is if you're not a competitive person and can just raise a wry eyebrow to her antics.

However these type of friends can end up making you feel dissatisfied and then its not really worth it.

clutteredup · 15/01/2009 16:22

I too am seriously considering ditching a 'friend' who has issues as i have has enough of it all. Its a long story but she has lied, stolen from me and generally been a bad friend but the thing actually that has made me not want to see her any more has really been how competetive she is with her DDs -both are younger than my DC but they do everything so much better all the time. I am not competetive at herat but I find it hard to sit and listen while she essentially puts my DC down all the time, and then I find myself competing back to defend them - I have decided I can't do it so have started avoiding her - I guess its really about whether or not you enjoy her company in pstie of how she is.

LiffeyKidman · 15/01/2009 16:24

THE girl we were all jealous of; after Cambridge she did a year at the Sorbonne where she met the love of her life, who of course proposed to her not long after meeting her one moonlit evening, under the Champs Elysee. He had 2 champagne flutes in his bag.

They lived in Brittany in a converted barnhouse (completely renovated) she was able to continue working for her london company thanks to email and airplanes!

They ate supper on the beach, oysters and cool beer (what the children too?)

Anyway..... we used to receive these emails while we were so cold we were typing in our coats, living in a rented house!!

Tis hard on the nerves.

LiffeyKidman · 15/01/2009 16:26

Oh and she looks a bit like Christy Turlington and it's been remarked on by several indpenedent witnesses, who all think they're the first to make the observation.

She is modest and charming about the comparison every time.

She is probably the daughter my parents wanted.

springlamb · 15/01/2009 21:55

I met a woman like this 5 years ago at dd's playgroup. Like an idiot, I let myself fall under her spell. Everything in her life was just perfect. Her money, her dh, her children, her menus, her clothes, her figure, her make-up (FGS, she used to give me her Dior cast-offs - and like a pratt I took them). She gave me so many tips to improve my life - how to lose weight, how to cook better, what to do with my hair, how to apply my lipstick, I must DO something with my life, I must GET OUT more. This is me we're talking about - how did I fall for it.
Then one morning four years later at the school gate when I said I was going shopping she said 'Oh, you shouldn't shop there, you need to start shopping here'. And I had this massive epiphany over this stupid remark. Even though I had been made to feel like a total grotbag for years. And then I slowly but surely cut all ties.
Now I find that the marriage was awful and they're now separated, she is living in a grotty flat in a grotty part of town, the money was created by transferring from one interest-free credit card to another constantly, and the kids are not reacting well to all this instability in their lives.
How the mighty...btw, I did contact her when things got rough to say that if she or the kids needed me she knew where I was.
Nowadays I like ladies who say 'Feck, I'm the size of a whale, pass us another fig roll'.

tumtumtetum · 15/01/2009 22:06

I met someone like this on my post-natal group. She was always giving me advice about a host of subjects - from dieting to sport to god only knows what - totally unsolicited and unasked for.

Fortunately I am fairly confident and thought she was just a bit nuts - I mean why try so hard to show the person you are talking to that you're better than them? Weird...

I do however have a friend in RL (an old friend rather than a baby friend IYSWIM) who is perfect - and likes to demonstrate this to others - but she doesn't do it maliciously - she is very nice with it - which sounds more like the OP's friend. I just think of it as a character flaw on her part - to have to be immaculate all the time and have everyone awed at your wonderfullness the whole time but be very very tiring. You can't let the facade slip so the kids always have to be immaculate, the food carefully prepared, the hair groomed etc etc. What a faff! I would rather just lie on the sofa in my jimjams eating chocolate and watching columbo

aseriouslyblondemoment · 15/01/2009 22:39

LMAO at all this especially SL
fortunately haven't been taken in by anyone like this
but can think of lots at my dcs school
and its a case of keeping up appearances big time!
yes i will talk to and acknowledge them
but people like this i just can't take seriously
and wouldn't call true friends

Booboobedoo · 15/01/2009 22:50

One of my closest and oldest friends is like this.

Every time I know I'm going to see her, I get DH to help me practice my responses. I.e.:

DH (as friend): "I'm better than you."

ME: "La la. Pass the wine".

However, she is also very caring and wonderful, so I let it slide.

WinkyWinkola · 15/01/2009 22:59

I had a friend who had have everything worse i.e. her cold sore would have been much worse than the one I had at the time. Her exams would have been much harder. All that BS.

Our friendship ended when I had a baby and she seemed to need to make digs about what I did all day and how much flatter her stomach was than mine. Weird. She's PG now I hear. Perhaps I'll make contact again to compare stomachs. As if.

littleboyblue · 15/01/2009 23:05

Depends on how much you're willing to let go ovr your head I think. Some people don't even realise they do it. I had a friend who seemed to think she was superior for a number of reasons and we were friends for years, it actually worked really well, she thought she was better than me and I had a little laugh at her in my head.
We are no longer friends now, but that's because she showed small signs of resentment towards the fact that I'd had a child, but yeah I think you can, as long as you know it's not you and doesn't make you feel like crap

AbricotsSecs · 16/01/2009 00:05

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Original poster
conniedescending · 16/01/2009 10:55

lol, thanks for the replies.My friend is really caring and kind. Has a good sense of humour but feels the need to tell me how to do things. For example, I may casually mention how I bought a couple of boxes to store toys in and she will then lecture me on her toy storage systems and how to organise everything.

sounds petty but it grates

I say I'm skint she lectures me on money management and saving pennies

I say I'm fat, she tells me about wonder diet that she did sooooooo easily

just wish she'd sympathise rather than solve my problems

at the minute the good outweighs the bad but its coming closer to 50:50 hence my post.

OP posts:
kitstwins · 16/01/2009 14:45

God, it does sound a bit of a nightmare. And as for efficient ways to store toys she's MORE than welcome to come round to my house to ram 75 cubic metres of plastic tat into neutral seagrass stacking boxes if she so desires.

Honestly? It all sounds a bit grating and annoying but she sounds like a 'solver'. Someone who's perhaps not used to just sitting there and listening but thinks that everything needs a solution. And some people get a bit of a high out of passing on advice, even though sometimes when we're whingeing about the toy mountain in our sitting room or the strange, obdurate lump of jelly that lingers on our stomach all we want is for the friend so say "Christ, I KNOW..." and commiserate with us on the ghastliness of it all.

If she's a lovely friend in other ways it might just have to be a 'grit your teeth'. Often the people that have all the answers on the outside can be struggling hugely internally and so this might be a bit of a prop for her. Not sure how you'd get to have a conversation about the 'whys' of this but it might help to do so. Might get her to ease off a bit/might help you to understand why she needs to do it.

Seeming perfection is maddening, but it is seeming after all.

ninah · 16/01/2009 14:47

just out of interest how do you know she's better at sex?

mellow2 · 16/01/2009 14:51

I have a friend like that and she brings out the worst in me. When she dishes out advice about how I should bring up dd, I end up by making catty comments about her.

Hence, I don't see her very often anymore.

prettyfly1 · 16/01/2009 15:05

i am a solver i am afraid. i show i care by offering solutions when a friend expresses a problem. by no means do i think i am better than anyone - i have plenty of insecurities, concerns and issues of my own but i have to be honest i have never seen the point of whining for whinings sake so i solve.

i wonder if my friends all hate me secretly too mmmmmmmm........

kettlechip · 16/01/2009 21:54

I had one of these! Once we had dc's she became totally unbearable (think competing over the order that our babies teeth came through..!?) so I now avoid her if at all possible. These people are draining.