after an affair, how much did you want to know?

[ambercat]

We are trying to rebuild our marriage after dh had an affair. We have talked alot and gone to relate.

I feel we are getting somewhere and reconnecting but there is still so much i don't know about ow and what they did, where they went etc. What do i do? should i just leave it and get on with our new life or do i find out every last detail?

I know dh wants to put it all behind us and hates me dragging it up but maybe if i know everything i can try and get it out of my head. Any advice?

I am a need to know every detail person.. but I am like that in every aspect of my life. I think it depends on what sort of person you are.. for me not knowing is worse than knowing bad stuff.

If you think about other areas of your life are you the sort of person who feels unsettled if they don't feel they know everything?

Im the sort of person who needs to know everything too and asked all the questions.
To be honest it didnt help at all I just tortured myself with the answers I got and it just brought more questions to mind.
It didnt help me deal with it at all.
Leave it, kill it with silence. You dont need to know.

Whats important is that it is you as a couple again, there is absolutely nothing to be gained from finding out details. It can work again if you want it too. Leave the past firmly in the past and you will do well

If there are things you want to know but haven't yet asked, they will eat away at you and you will imagine the worst.

So that you dont drag it out too much, would it help to write down questions over a period of days and then ask them all together.

I know that I would ask some questions one night and then, the next day, remember something else that I needed to know so we would have to start again and it is draining.

Dont worry about asking these questions. You will know when you are ready to move on.

Hope it goes well

I guess i am usually the sort of person who wants to know it all! but i think tigdypuds is right and i will just keep torturing myself with what he does tell me.

i think i am scared there is another big revelation still to come, i could'nt bear to start relaxing about it for it all to blow up again. He does reassure me that therei snothing more to know but i don't have much trust in him atm!

I want it all to be ok NOW but need to accept it will take time.

It takes time....but it's worth it.

Stirling i have been writing things down and asking like you say but it just leads to more and more obsessing in my head and we end up going round in circles! Think i do need to draw a line under it...if i can!

How are you? is h still at home?

Thank you everyone for your advice, it does help me get things straight in my head.

mrsdisorganised, i do hope it is worth it, i feel like i'm on a rollercoster atm, so happy one min and in tears the next. We are going on holiday in 2 weeks ,just the 2 of us, it will give us time to talk,reflect and start rebuilding, i hope.

We did that, except it was 'us and the kids' as a family we ran away for a month and have never looked back

how long ago mrsd? how long did it take for trust to return? i wish i could fast forward this yr!

Good advice busybeingmum, think i will try waiting before asking. Have taken up running since all this kicked of and it has really helped me cope, not least cos i can run out in the countryside and scream and weep! makes me feel so much better and i get fit too!!

Ambercat

I've namechanged to say what I want to say, so here goes:

Don't feel ashmed to want to ask questions. DO write them down and write down how you feel too... let your H/ DH know that some days will be good days and some days will be bad days. Some days, you won't think of it at all, other days, you will think of nothing else and nothing your H does will help.

Escaping (IMHO) will help. I escaped for almost 3 weeks and it was a great help.

It won't be the same (though you both, at points, will wish it was)... You will have bad days, he will too (and I don't mean anything other than the hurt he has caused you, but he will feel pain that he caused that and there is NOTHING he can do to right that).

But things can be better. they can be good. In fact, they can be better. But they will never be the same.

Your H / DH needs to understand that he has a job to do to instill trust again and that it is his hill to climb. He will climb it if he wants too..

Good luck xx

Hi Amber, Yes h still in the house. Funnily enough we get along ok. You just need boundaries. He may start a new job soon which will take him away for a while so that will help.

How long has it been for you? It does take months to start to think about moving forward and drawing a line under the past.

Funnily enough I used to wish I could fast forward 12 months too, and I must say the pain is alot less. Or maybe I am just an emotionless bitch now

You're at the stage I am - personally I'd rather hear everything from him than from the OW's husband (who is a complete stirrer and who has now been banned from contacting me or face legal action by H). Problem is that to 'minimise' the pain, H didn't tell me everything he should and OW's H did - like the fact that my H made the first move in it all and that the email contact I let him have a few weeks after it was all discovered (she'd told him a pile of psychotic lies and he wanted to find out why - I figured either he did it and told me the content / what she'd said or would find a way to do it behind my back) was no longer 'businesslike' in content.

So now I'm still asking - having taken the decision to let him back and knowing (because she's bonkers and he is truly sorry) that he wouldn't go for her again, it won't change how I feel about anything, I just want the whole truth. Not knowing is definitely worse for me as I'm a bit obsessive. Dealing with it in my own time is so much better than having something dumped on me by one of them. I still have friends where they live so could feasibly (sods law) bump into one of them on a visit, also. I tend to write down what I'm thinking, leave it 3 days while mulling it over and what I hope to get from it then ask if I really still feel I need to. It has now been 2 weeks since I last asked something so it's getting better, but I know I'll need another session soon.

My H is the same, he doesn't want to talk because he says it's pointless and meaningless and it reminds him of what a sh*t he was / 'worst most hideous thing I've ever done'. Again, I have to be careful not to drag things up all the time just to make him feel like that, hence saving it for a single occasion. But I know where you're coming from - it's so hard. Another reason for wanting to know it all is that we always used to talk about everythng and this was the first time we had any secrets. If he can talk to me about it, it will really help with the trust thing, I think. Difficult...

I wanted, NEEDED, to know everything if we were to survive and move on. I kept on and on and on at him until I was satisfied he was hiding nothing major. I gleaned intimate details which made me retch and cry, but I needed to in order to be able to rebuild trust.

All the very best of luck with this ambercat. FWIW I've found it was well worth going through the process. Now I can put his affaire in context as a relatively small digression from an long and healthy relationship. She's a speck on it.

Spidermama - glad I'm not the only one, I just don't feel I can trust him until I've not so much cleaned out the closet as bloody sandpapered it of the last scraps...

You are being very strong stirling, have you told the children yet? I hope he will look back an realisr what a fool he has been and how much he has lost.
I found out about dh affair in april, when he told me he no longer loved me, he denied ow but i found texts that told me different. he had been seeing her since last xmas. They split in july and we decided to try again about a month ago so still early days.

Thanks thtm and abedelia for your advice and stories, it really helps to hear i'm not alone! Abedelia i too want him to get used to talking openly to me again, no secrets! i hate the thought there might be something else lurking, waiting to be discovered.

I'm hoping this holiday will put alot of my worries to rest, aswell as having fun!

I totally understand. I went on and on and on and on until suddenly, I no longer needed too. Then I felt calm, knew he wanted to make our marriage work and stay with me and we were able to move on. Things are really good now. I'd say, if anything, we're stronger.

It's a tough road though as you know but worth the work. I'm in my marriage for the long haul.

Yes spidermama thats what i want, to be able to look back in a few years and not have this as such a defining part of our marriage, i want to not even be able to remember her name, she will be so irrelevent!!

i truly hope we can work, hes saying and doing all the right stuff and i know he finds it hard talking about it. At least if it fails i'll know we tried but i do see our future together and he does too so fingers crossed.

ambercat, I'd want to know it all and then I could be shocked and hurt and from that I could build. I'd have to ask everything because its the only way I could get peace.

Great idea to note them down and get it all out in one session. I'm sure he doesn't want to discuss these things but IMHO, its what he'll have to do to save his marriage if that's what is needed. Prepare for it making things worse for a day or two until you get acceptance with it and.............remember that only by both of you talking completely honestly, and recognising that you are on the same side, can you go forward.

Are you ok? Coping? Hope the holiday helps.

You know what frumpygrumpy i feel very strong, last year was the year from hell and i had just about got my head round being a single parent when we decided to try again. I know i can do it alone so i know i'm with him because i still love him and not because i don't want to be by myself iykwim. Whatever happens i will be fine i have a good feeling about 2009.

Stirling you are no emotionless bitch, you are a star, i read your threads when it all kicked off for me and they really helped me cope and feel less alone, i look out for you now and really want you to have a happy ending, with or without your h.