after an affair, how much did you want to know?

[ambercat]

We are trying to rebuild our marriage after dh had an affair. We have talked alot and gone to relate.

I feel we are getting somewhere and reconnecting but there is still so much i don't know about ow and what they did, where they went etc. What do i do? should i just leave it and get on with our new life or do i find out every last detail?

I know dh wants to put it all behind us and hates me dragging it up but maybe if i know everything i can try and get it out of my head. Any advice?

No, not told dc yet - Have been reading about it and it is best to do it at the beginning of a holiday from school to give them a while to think about it and ask questions. So, unless there is a miracle, it will happen the 2nd wk of Feb when they have a week off

Do you keep a journal Amber? I have found that really helpful. I dont write in it every day but when I feel overwhelmed by things I write it all down and, amazingly enough, I feel much better afterwards. And when you look back, it makes interesting reading. You can see how far you have come.

I did write a sort of journel in the beginnig but haven't written in it for a few months now, i'm almost to scared to read the stuff from april as its so full of pain and heartbreak. i think i will try to again, even just writing these few posts on here has really helped to get things straight in my head.

I wish you well with telling the dc's, i never told mine as they are so used to daddy working away they didn't need to know, he used to come here on his leave so nothing really changed for them, guess you have been in a similar possition. I wish i had some advice for you.

I wish I had some advice for me too!!

Please take care of yourself and get out and do things that you enjoy. x

thanks! going to bed now, really appriciate all the advice x

Ambercat - I think it's a case of if you know everything then there should be absolutely nothing else that can come and hurt you more or set you back in your recovery... I need to get it all over and done with. He can tell me he loves me / wants to get us re-blessed / have another baby until he's blue in the face but I have to tackle this issue before I can move on.

Three months from her being told to bugger off and four from their one night stand (it was a 6wk emotional thing owing to geography before that) I seriously think that one big talk and clear out would sort almost everything. He has just been away and sent so many lovely mails and texts that it really helped - I can now do my work without stopping to obsess over it for 50 percent of the day and it's not the first thing I think of when I wake (except today as I had a dream about looking for her to ask her questions - argh!) , so I am not keen to ruin the honeymoon now he's back with mentioning stuff. I'm going to leave it a few days then tackle it.

Every last detail. Don't know why but I feel I need to know in order to even start to get past the hurt.

I really think ignorance in this type of situation is bliss. Once you have established that it is definately over, and that it won't start again, I personally would leave it at that. Information on every detail may seem a good idea at the time, but if your anything like me, you'll go over and over it, and ending up thinking you caused it in the first place. All the best to you, whatever you decide to do.

In my case, the more I learn about it the more I can see it was nothing to do with me and all about his failings - hence the fact he withdrew from me, was really unkind and then unhelpful and dismissive when I challenged him about it. Meanwhile later that day he was emailing her telling her how happy he was that she'd noticed he'd been a bit off with her on the phone later (because of guilt, no doubt!) as it showed how much she cared! Talk about turning it around!!

DH didn't have an affair as such, but i had to know everythign before i could rest, otherwise it would eat at me forever. I hope you get some peace soon .

I would run in the country and scream - it really did help.

I think when you are ready you should ask as many questions as you want - never feel that you should not just in case it upsets him.

I did get a lot of grafic details in the beginning - which did hurt and probably always will. But it is better than some of the things my mind could/would make up. And it is better than laying awake not knowing what really went on.

Knowing the details also gives me a chance to see just how much trust h will put in me - i can see whether he is lying too.

It does/did hurt h to have to go over it again but i do feel we both felt it was important - me for peace of mind and h so he can see what a hollow relationship the affair was/would have been.

We do still discuss it from time to time but with less hurt and anger - more with sadness and disappointment, we have both had to accept that our old marriage is gone - but a new one has emerged that is better in lots of ways.

That's what I am aiming for... I also feel I am in a much better place to spot it should (eventually) one of my children get in a similar situation (on either side), so I could give them advice about thinking of what they wanted before making the same mistake he did.