My husband is destroying our financial future

[Damhsa]

We have been married for 18 months and have a young family. Overall our relationship is strong but I have huge concerns about our financial security.

We both work full time in reasonably well paid jobs. We have always kept seperate bank accounts and all bills are shared equally even though he earns considerably more than me.

On the birth of our baby in July we moved to a larger house and my husband told me his parents had offered to make a significant contribution to our monthly expenses. I was surprised but pleased and agreed to accept the offer.

I have just discovered that his parents have in fact been supporting him for the last four years. He has never mentioned this to me. He is a moderate drinker does not do drugs, does not spend money on clothes, meals out, cars and does not have unexplained absences away from the house. He has spent thousands of pounds over the years with nothing to show for it.

I am very angry that he did not tell me about this extra income. Where has all the money gone? Who or what is he spending it on? Why is he not investing in our future or in the future of our children. I am terrified that one or both of us could loose our jobs in this economic crisis. I have some savings but this would only keep us going for a few months.

Two years ago I was between jobs and paid my bills from my savings despite the fact he had a decent salary plus the additional income from his parents. He could easily have paid the bills but insisted that I dip into my savings. His expenses and lifestyle have been funded by his parents and me and he has not saved a cent.

In the absence of any explanations, I am imaging all sorts of awful things like is he spending this money on hookers or gambling. I have even wondered if he has a secret family.

Incidentally, I found out about the extra money by looking at old bank statements. Sneaky, I know and against my principle but my suspicions were aroused. My husband does not know that I know about the money.

I would love to hear your insights/experiences and how I should approach the subject.

Why hasn't he explained this to you? Why? You are his wife. He needs to start talking.

Do the bank statements give any indication of what he's spent the money on? or is it just large chunks of cash taken out of the account on a regular basis?

This is very strange. Starting at your second line that you pay half each of the household expenses even though he earns more than you. That doesn't make sense to me.

Ouch. Am not surprised you are concerned. I would be furious tbh.

Unfortunately I am an all guns blazing kind of gal and would tackle head on. I would also tell his parents to stop funding him. Then I would make him sit down and list where he thinks the money goes. Then I would do a budget and give him an allowance. If he moans about being treated like a child I would remind him that he was quite happy for his parents to do so!

Firstly alarm bells would ring about the secret stash of money that he has been squirrelling away
I cannot think of anything positive that he might be doing with it or he would have told you.

Secondly I would also be worried about his over dependence on his parents for support.

You need to talk to him or your mnd will run away with you imagining all sorts.

I imagine it is not that he has been spending the extra money that is getting to you but the fact that it has been kept hidden.

This type of dishonesty can be damaging and it needs to be brought out inot the open ASAP.

Sounds to me like you are pissed off that you have to split things equally even though he earns more. Why is this? It makes sense to me for a couple to split bills equally if both are working full time.

But.... do you want to pool your money? Not all couples want to. I like having the freedom to spend my own money without it being considered 'joint' money so long as the bills are paid.

In this case as everything seems to be split equally is there any need for a joint account for the remainder?

ohbling is right what do teh bank statements say - so they show karge amounts of cash going in and out or is it to shops

could be gambling if its large amounts of cash being withdrawn

go softly he might be relieved when you confront him.

fnd out the facts first then react

sorry about typos - typing one handed

I have never and will never have a joint account. Happy to split bills and pay mine from my own account.

Lots of other flags there though. It doesn't sound like it will be good news does it. Good luck.

I would consider it might be gambling, just because I know someone with a similar story to yours and that's what it turned out to be.

You need to talk first anyway, see what he says. Good luck!

rev .. you are right it could be totally innocent

Are you absolutely certain that he is not taking drugs. Cocaine, for example?

You would be surprised how high functioning addicts can be....

lostinnappies
the bank statements show cash withdrawals. No actual spending at shops, bars or restaurants. Some weeks, he has withdrawn up to the max on a daily basis

You do need to look into it. HOWEVER if he is spending this much money with nothing to show for it, thank your lucky stars you don't have a joint bank account or he could have cleaned you out by now.
It may be that he has massive debts incurred before he met you, which he is paying off but is ashamed of - or he may indeed have a gambling or drug problem. But now you know there's something, you need to know what it is.
Good luck.

And he is he someone who usually manages his money and purchases like that? My DH prefers to spend cash always and never uses his debit card.

If your DH generally uses his debit card day to day and big amounts of cash are coming out I'm afraid I'm thinking he either doesn't want it traced or he is spending it on something that doesn't take plastic - another woman/prostitute/drugs/gambling.

I sincerely do hope I am wrong.

Sorry.

he is not taking coke. He is random tested for drugs at work so never takes anything

I am sorry to say based on that info it doesn't sound good.

I hope it is innocent though I really do

"thank your lucky stars you don't have a joint bank account or he could have cleaned you out by now."

EXACTLY!

Is he spending on his card as well?

What about keeping your own account as normal but whatever your contribution to the bills have them go into a Joint account so that there is accountability between you and your husband.

Maybe by not having a joint account has led
to lack of honesty and accountability.
Your husband has had the financial freedom
and independance to do what he wants
without having you question him about
it.

Or, Instead of you paying bills from
savings and paying larger amount,
You could work out your contribution to
household bills and set up a payment
agreement to companies so you only pay half
of the bills from your account.

Or whatever you do compile all you financial records so you can prove what you paid and when you paid in case there are any issues later or legal situation.

You could also 'test the water' so to speak, like suggest to him about setting up a joint account and see how he responds and if he is flaky then you have an opportunity to question him.

You could speak to his parents first about the financial arrangement and either ask them to stop or ask them to transfer the money into a bills account in your name.
And if you can make a promise that you will pay them back later?.

JZ

He's not a second card holder on any of your credit cards is he?

Shame for his parents too, what if they think he is spending the money on you and the children.

Thanks for your messages. I already feel a little better having commited my thoughts to 'paper'.

My instincts tell me something is wrong and I am not going to like what I find. I have thought he may be seeing prostitues and this has affected my sex life with him. I have a young baby and have been so upset by this that I think I could dip over the abyss into a full blow depression.

This problem is not going to disappear.I will discuss with him before the weekend.