My husband is destroying our financial future

[Damhsa]

We have been married for 18 months and have a young family. Overall our relationship is strong but I have huge concerns about our financial security.

We both work full time in reasonably well paid jobs. We have always kept seperate bank accounts and all bills are shared equally even though he earns considerably more than me.

On the birth of our baby in July we moved to a larger house and my husband told me his parents had offered to make a significant contribution to our monthly expenses. I was surprised but pleased and agreed to accept the offer.

I have just discovered that his parents have in fact been supporting him for the last four years. He has never mentioned this to me. He is a moderate drinker does not do drugs, does not spend money on clothes, meals out, cars and does not have unexplained absences away from the house. He has spent thousands of pounds over the years with nothing to show for it.

I am very angry that he did not tell me about this extra income. Where has all the money gone? Who or what is he spending it on? Why is he not investing in our future or in the future of our children. I am terrified that one or both of us could loose our jobs in this economic crisis. I have some savings but this would only keep us going for a few months.

Two years ago I was between jobs and paid my bills from my savings despite the fact he had a decent salary plus the additional income from his parents. He could easily have paid the bills but insisted that I dip into my savings. His expenses and lifestyle have been funded by his parents and me and he has not saved a cent.

In the absence of any explanations, I am imaging all sorts of awful things like is he spending this money on hookers or gambling. I have even wondered if he has a secret family.

Incidentally, I found out about the extra money by looking at old bank statements. Sneaky, I know and against my principle but my suspicions were aroused. My husband does not know that I know about the money.

I would love to hear your insights/experiences and how I should approach the subject.

good luck x

If he won't tell you what he is doing with the money, go to his parents and ask them why they are giving him money when you both have a good job/what they think it is being used for

Hi Damhsa

How are you getting on?

The joint account is a red herring. DH and I don't have a joint account and don't share spending money but rent and bills are out joint responsibility. When my DH has been out of work I just pay them - because I have a steady income and he doesn't. It's outrageous that he expected you to use your savings to pay them when you were out of work - what does he think a partnership is? And that's not even coming to the issue of where the money has been going. Whatever he spent it on it would be totally wrong that he didn't tell you about it. Wprse is that it looks like it must be something bad - I'd guess at gambling, prostitutes or a mistress

bank statements can shock you to the core, i found out that every month we ran out of cash and i thought i was managing our money well, one day did not even have a pound two weeks before payday not having any family around took all my pennies to a supermarket to the coin counter and managed to get £8 only to go through our bank statement and find that dh gives charities about £3000 a year shock schock what do i say to that glad he is generous and he is the main bread winner dont know how to approach this.

lipstick - it's great that your DH is so generous with charities, but charity does begin at home! You probably need to have a budgetary discussion with him, that includes a % of whatever is left after all essentials have been covered going to charity. You should also look to ensure that you save something every month too..

How much extra per month are we talking here? Is it a couple of hundred? Lets face it could frittered away on lunches, coffees out, petrol, clothing, general living expenses etc, What I am trying to say is, it an amount that could have been contributing towards general living expenses and you haven't realised. I know for me living expenses are always more than you would expect.

If it is a larger sum, is it possible he has opened another account that you don't know about, he might have a nest egg squirreled away for you both?

You need to speak to him, instead of letting your mond run riot re prostitution, gambling etc

Just trying to find some possible positive explanations, hope you get this sorted between you.

Could he be gambling?

You need to ask him as he may neeed help.

He sounds like a gambler.

My first thoughts (sorry, all quite negative) are :

-gambling addiction
-previous relationship/family that he is paying for (eg. child maintenance)
-paying off massive debts that he built up before meeting you
-being blackmailed

You do need to confront him or you'll find yourself thinking the worst anyway