Can a relationship ever survive a termination?

[namechanged08]

I have just found out I am pregnant. DH and I have one dd and decided we would like another baby to complete our family. I was pleased when I first found out I was pregnant but now I just feel so depressed I feel like the only alternative is a termination. I cannot sleep, cannot eat and basically cannot get out of bed. I realise I have made an awful awful mistake getting pregnant and I wish I could rewind the clock. I just don't think I can cope with another baby. I had a horrendous birth with my dd, it took me a long long time to physically recover and a long time to bond with my daughter. I don't know what I was thinking getting pregnant again, but I know I have major problems and need counselling.

I have told DH how I feel and he is very upset and wants to have the baby but understands how I feel. He cannot cope seeing me so depressed and worries I think for my state of mind. Do you think a relationship can ever recover after a termination. I realise that mainly, it is men that want their partner to terminate, rather than the other way round and I feel absolutely terrible. I know I will live with the guilt forever but cannot see a way out of this other than termination but do not want to lose my dh.

i think a good relationship could cope with it yes.

i think that you should get an appt with someone like the bpas, they are fantastic IMHO and they will give you counselling and have a really good talk to you before you make any decisions at all.

Can you see a GP? I think that you sound depressed, ante-natal depression is fairly common.

Relationships survive termination - but I think only when both parties are in agreement. It's too big a decision to take for somebody.

I think you are very frightened right now - and termination is not a decision that should ever be made in that state. Go to your GP and tell him that you feel depressed. Write down your fears about repeating your bad experience last time and let them help you.

My marriage did, however, it was something we both eventually agreed on.

I second the BPAS recommendation, they were excellent and I got an initial appointment extremely quickly.

namechanged I'm so for you.

it sounds to me that it's not so much that you don't want this baby but that you're terrified of what it will mean for you and how you'll cope.

I agree with everyone else about getting counselling. Ante-natal depression, as Lizzylou says, is very common, almost as common as PND apparently, but much less diagnosed. Like PND it is treatable. You just need to ask for help. Once you're getting treatments, and you're able to get to the bottom of why you're so scared of having another baby (it may not be what you think it is), you may find that suddenly you want this baby very much indeed. It is absolutely your right to choose and if you choose to have an abortion because it's the right thing for you, that's fine. But if you make the wrong choice because you're depressed and scared, it could be something that you never get over. Counselling will help you realise what's really right for you.

FWIW, your husband sounds as though he would bear with you. It wouldn't be easy for him, I'm sure, and he may harbour some resentment issues that he may need counselling for himself, but if he's already reached the stage where he puts your needs first and has said he will support your choice, then it sounds to me like he's a decent guy who will be there for you.

Lastly, please don't think that one horrific childbirth experience condemns you to a second. My Dsis had an awful labour with her first and was terrified about her second, but because she's had a lot of chats with her midwife and drawn up a good birthplan stating what she wanted if there were complications, her labour was relatively easy the second time around. It's well documented that very difficult labours can indeed affect the bonding process between mother and baby. It doesn't mean that history has to repeat itself. Forewarned is forearmed. Having had this happen to you once, you can take many positive steps to minimise the risk of it happening again.

Good luck. I hope you get the support you need and make the right choice for you.

I agree you should see your GP about antenatal depression. I had it in both pregnancies and I despaired sometimes, convinced I was doing the wrong thing. My depression lifted both times straight after the birth, but I had some dark times fwiw, I had a horrible birth with dd, but ds's was absolutely perfect, and I think it actually laid a lot of demons to rest that I still had about dds birth.

Thankyou so much optimists, what a lovely reply. I feel like I have never been this scared in my life before. I cannot stop crying and just feel totally utterly helpless. The last time I felt like this was after I gave birth to dd and I just remember sitting in the bath sobbing my heart out over my poor damamaged body. I try to tell myself that I could have a c-section with this baby which makes me feel better for a milisecond but then I worry that the c-section would go wrong and then I'd end up with more horrific injuries. I wake up in the night wondering why I am crying and then I realise its because I am pregnant. I am so ashamed of myself because I deliberately got pregnant. How can I go to the BPAS and tell then I want an abortion when I deliberately got pregnant, I'm sure this cant be a common thing? If I'd got pregnant by mistake at least I wouldnt have the guilt, and now I am guilty about depriving dd of a potential brother or sister.

bpas will understand, they see this kind of thing all the time,m i am sure of that.
please go and talk to someone.
I went to them and they were fantastic, so very understanding of my situation.

optimists post is spot on. it would be awful if you lifted this depression and realised that actually this baby was vcery much wanted. after all, you wanted it enough to conceive it, so there must be something there, deep down...

that isn;'t to say you shouldn't terminate if it's the right thing for you, just that you should be extra specially sure about it

give bpas a ring in the morning and chat to them

I'd try and speak to GP about ante-natal depression.

THe feeling of "what have I done?" is fairly common I think (well it is to me - have thought it for maybe a week of each of my pregnancies. It passes. If it isn't passing, then it may relate to a depression rather than not wanting another child.

Oh namechanged, have a virtual hug. Wish I could give you one in real life.

I'm not a doctor, but reading your second reply I'm more and more convinced that you've got ante-natal depression. You seem very very anxious. The thought processes you're having about the c-section and the worry that BPAS will judge you are very characteristic of depression. Guilt and anxiety are all part and parcel of depression. Please, please go to see a doctor or counsellor as soon as you can.

Please don't think anyone will judge you. I'm not, none of the other posters are, and I promise you that any counsellor won't either. Your situation is a lot more common than you think. I know you probably feel like the only person in the world going through this right now (which is again typical of depression), but I promise you you're not and you don't have to continue feeling like this. The sooner you see someone, the sooner you can beat this and feel like yourself once more.

Before you make a decision you may regret is there any possibility that you could have some counselling from the Birth Trauma Association or maybe your health visitor. I had a difficult birth with my first DC and spent all of my next pregnancy dreading the birth. However, I had a completely different experience (even though I had another EMCS).

Your feelings are natural when you have been through a difficult birth. I found my Health Visitor was a great help to me. I really hope you get some support in whatever you decide.

Please talk to someone in RL. You are not alone. Having a termination will not make all of this go away. You have to face what hapened and get some couselling. Don't worry about the fact that you got pregnant on purpose. It shows that you do want another baby but are shit scared of getting it out and its not surprising after you had a terrible first birth. This is something that you can't put off dealing with please seek some help today.

Yes, it can.

You need to see your doctor. This isn't something you should be putting yourself through.

There's a thread on here about ante-natal depression in the first trimester. Many of us have admitted wishing wanting to turn the clock back and not be pregnant, even after years of trying, I'll try and dig it out for you. YOu really need to speak to your GP about how you are feeling.

here it is

I think it is quite normal to feel scared even when you have longed for another child. I feel you really need to talk to someone professional who can help you work things out. Good luck.

I was really unhappy when I got pg with DS2, even though, like you, he was planned. I had had a fairly traumatic birth with DS1 and really regretted getting pregnant. Looking back, I am convinced that it was ante-natal depression and that I had suffered with this (to a lesser extent) with DS1 as well.
Please go to your GP/MW, whatever you decide you need to make sure that it is an informed decision that you make.
I really, truly, understand where you are at the moment, as a lot of other posters do.
FWIW DS2's birth was nothing like DS1's and far better. As soon as he was born the "cloud" lifted and all was well.
Take care and speak to someone, and have a hug as well, ((())), we do understand and you are not alone.

Well I hope so! I had one on Friday, with dh's blessing, but knowing that ultimately he 'doesn't agree with throwing babies away'

I have 2 dc. I had a emerg [under GA, because of Pre eclampsia] c-section with the eldest & elect cs with 2nd. Youngest is 6 months & I have barely recovered from that birth.

My dr refused to refer me for sterilization when I asked...I just knew I could not go through pregnancy again. And the result was a contraceptive failure.

All I feel is a sense of relief tbh.

I hope you find a solution that you are both happy with soon!

namechanged, I wish you all the best. you must talk to someone who is not your DH, although he sounds lovely I think you have some guilt about the fact that he seems to want the baby more than you so you really must get another perspective for yourself. I just wanted to add to this to let you know that I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.

yes relationships can survive a termination, I have seen it happen with a close friend who had 2 children and couldnt cope with a third - she will always be a bit sad on the date it happened, but she also reliesed it was the best thing for her at that time

but reading your posts, i think you deep down want this baby, as you did try for it, and you do sound depressed and scared

you need to talk to a councellor/gp and even maybe take some anti depress ( can you if pregnant?)

def DONT do anything till you have talken to someone

differentnameforthis you did what was right for you at this time - maybe dh could look into having the snip if gp wont sterlise you? Hope ytou are ok

Oh poor poor you. PLEASE get to your GP. You are going through hell and you really need some help. Much sympathy to you. I'm sure you are utterly lovely and you must get some treatment and/or support with this right now.

Blondeshavemorefun, thank you. I am OK, as I said just feel a huge sense of relief, but also angry that I was in that position in the first place.

We have considered at length sending dh for the snip. But he is hugely hospital/dr phobic. It's all he can do to get a repeat script for an eye cream he uses! He struggled terribly when we went to hospital to have the children.

That is why we decided that I would do it. It really angers because if dh had be able to do it, they would have done it within weeks of the birth [friends dh had it done after their 3rd, when she was 3 weeks] but they wouldn't consider me until dc2 was a yr!

OP, wanted to say [sorry for hijack before] that I dreaded being preg with #2, after my traumatic birth with #1. You wonder why you have done it, if you will love another the same, if you will still have enough time for #1...

You will love them all, the will have time for them all..I promise! Dc2 has fitted in real well with us, her birth was what I wanted & I felt in control.

A termination worked for me, because I was SO resolute in only wanting 2, but you do sound like you very much want this baby, please talk to someone..Good Luck!

Just wanted to say I know how you feel, had never heard of ante natal depression before but when I conceived second time I felt like absolute hell and couldn't imagine having baby. Don't know why, was planned, just as you say. Agree with those who advise a consultation as this is obviously not as uncommon as you might think, just probably not much discussed. In my case I miscarried at 12 weeks which made me feel incredibly guilty. As well as grief stricken. Went on to have dd without any similar feelings. As for termination, I'm sure a strong relationship can survive. The friends I've know who've had terminations for whatever reason have actually split up with dps over the years but was over other issues, not termination per se. But you need to talk it over to see what is right for you. Take care.