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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone still up? I don't want to leave him, I want him to leave me.

72 replies

Carla · 31/03/2005 23:51

Where do I stand? Can I order him out? I own the house outright, he pays the bills.

DD2 has been complaining for the last 1/12 hours of an itch fanny. H heard her calling out while he was eating an ice cram and said 'Carla, one of the children's crying'. I went up, put some Valeline on it. He comes up, with 'Daddy's special cream'. FFs, it was Nivea! Would you want something full of perfume like that on something that at the time was so sensitive and itchy?

dd2 carried on crying. I did what she likes best - stroked her tummy. At which point he grabbed her out of our bed (and I mean ' grabbed), went to take her into dd1'w room and said 'that's the last thing she wants'. So now he's managed to wake up the whole house. What right does he bloody well have to take my daughter from me when I'm trying to comfort her?

OP posts:
Beetroot · 01/04/2005 10:06

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Aimsmum · 01/04/2005 10:13

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Fio2 · 01/04/2005 10:20

are they his kids carla?

Original poster
Carla · 01/04/2005 10:28

I think I find this such a struggle because he is an arse. What would anyone say? "My husband's an arse too, sometimes"? "You married him"?

To be honest I couldn't put the girls through the trauma of the locks thing. I think they would wonder what it's all about. They adore him, and father-wise he's pretty much hard to criticise.

I just feel so sad that I have two such beautiful girls and what should be the best time of my life is being wilfully ruined by his behaviour towards me.

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 01/04/2005 10:35

There's a difference tho between being an arse and emotional abuse/you living on eggshells all the time.

I would suggest you go and see a solicitor - find one that does a free initial interview to see where you stand - even if you don't feel confident enough to kick him out right now, at least you can prepare yourself for if you do feel strong enough a few months down the line.

here's a link to the home office leaflet on domestic violence - afraid its a very fiddly adobe photoshop document

here: domestic violence leaflet

here

as you can see, the government considers domestic violence as being other than someone actually hitting you:-

quote from the beginning of the leaflet "as well as actual physical violence, domestic violence can include a wide range of abusive and controlling behaviours, including: threats, harassment, physical attacks, financial control, emotional abuse"

Beetroot · 01/04/2005 10:37

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Aimsmum · 01/04/2005 11:41

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kelli22 · 01/04/2005 20:23

i agree with aimsmum - grabbing your dd out of bed is totally out of order especially when she needs comforting! get rid of him - or get counselling..... imo take care

rickman · 01/04/2005 20:27

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nutcracker · 01/04/2005 20:29

Carla, it is just soooooo hard to make that desicion, i know. Hope you find your way through soon xxxxxx

Aimsmum - You wouldn't believe how jealous I am when i read that, which sounds very odd but I am.

Aimsmum · 01/04/2005 20:56

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nutcracker · 01/04/2005 21:02

Thanks Aimsmum

Original poster
Carla · 01/04/2005 23:46

Lucy enough to have had a good friend round today - who knew 'h' when he was okay. Can I put this past you?

She said she'd seen the deterioration in his attitude to me over the last 5 years, and wondered if me getting a p't job would make him feel that I'm not always 'there' for him, and also that I might make some new friends that hitherto he's ostrasiced me from (the old ones, that is).

Chum also wondered if asking dh if he would like a separation would spur him on to answering a - yes, or b no, but would like to do something about staying together.

I did it. I asked him. And his reply was "I'll take you to court, and then I'll take your whole family to court".

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Original poster
Carla · 01/04/2005 23:48

Lucky, even.

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colditzmum · 01/04/2005 23:50

Please leave him, his behavior was unreasonable and unlivable. WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOUR FAMILY GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING ANYWAY?

colditzmum · 01/04/2005 23:51

Oops didn't mean to shout, sorry

Toothache · 02/04/2005 00:01

Carla - he has no right to treat you or his dd's like this. And believe me, from experience, your children can sense this and they probably don't adore him as much as you think. The fact he grabbed your dd from your arms will be something she remembers for a long time. I have been through it and my mum and dad are still together coz my Mum (her own admission to me DAILY) didn't ahve the strength to leave him.

My sister and I used to pretend to adore our Dad. When dad was horrible to mum we'd even have a go at her coz we were so hurt by the situation, but too scared to say anything to dad.

You have so many rights here.... you own the ouse. Please get some legal advice. It may just be what you need to hear to make that step.

Original poster
Carla · 02/04/2005 00:03

I can't leave him, 'cos I can't go up to a solicitor and say 'my husband's been horrible to me for the last five years'. Also, I had a problem with drinking too much up until Christmas.

And I think what he's talking about is my mum and sister waitressing, but not being on 'the books'. God, I'm scared about what I'm revealing on MN.

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colditzmum · 02/04/2005 00:08

Your mum and sister waitressing will not be brought into a custody/alimony battle, lawyers are not that stupid. any lawyer who brought that up would lose their case.

You can go to your lawyer and just say "I have been sick of dh for 5 years", it will be your lawyer, they are not there to judge you.

colditzmum · 02/04/2005 00:10

He is trying to frighten you by threatening your family with court action, because he knows his own actions are indefensable.

Toothache · 02/04/2005 00:12

Carla - My Mum has seen a lawyer loads of times. Each time he tells her that as longs my dad isn't violent she should hang on until the mortgage is paid (3 yrs to go). Then it's less complicated apparently. Dad knows none of this. You don't have that issue. The house is yours.

Like Coldiztmum says your sis and mum waitressing on the fly has nothing to do with your relationship and potential separation. He's using that as a way to manipulate you and scare you into thinking you have no choice.... but you do.

Original poster
Carla · 02/04/2005 00:13

CDM, I think he's thinking about doing it as a separate, spiteful issue.

What should I do now,do you think, vis a vis him? Think I've more or less made my mind up.

OP posts:
rickman · 02/04/2005 00:14

Message withdrawn

Toothache · 02/04/2005 00:15

Carla - I think your next move is to find out your legal rights WITHOUT his knowledge. just sus out the practicalities and what you need to do etc, without any emotional pressure from him. That way you can get a clear picture of whats ahead before you tell him about the situation. Then any threats he makes you will know are empty and futile. Good luck... be strong!

unicorn · 02/04/2005 00:21

I have nothing more sensible to add..am just sending lots of support... be strong.

xxxx