I would like your tips on how to 'keep the love alive' despite the trials and tribulations of everyday life with young DC's

[oneplusone]

Just what the title says really. DH and I have been through a bit of a nightmare over the past few years due to various things (issues with my family, ill health, young demanding DC's etc etc). We have somehow managed to survive through it all and stay together and recently seemed to have turned a corner and we both feel deeply in love again.

I am worried though that when this 'second honeymoon' is over, we will fall back into old patterns and gradually become disconnected and distant again.

I would love all your tips and ideas for keeping our love alive when everyday life is doing it's hardest to drive us apart all the time.

I am a full time SAHM, DD,5 is in yr 1, DS, 2.8 is at nursery a couple of afternoons a week, DH is out at work from 8am til 7.30pm Monday to Friday. We have no outside help/support apart from a babysitter on a saturday who comes about once a month. I know a big part of our problem is simply due to tiredness and lack of time together, but i can't see how we can change that and so I think we need to find a way to work around it.

TIA

Don't eat dinner in front of the telly every night, make sure you sit down and talk while you eat. Keep the communication up - if that's okay, the rest will be...

I think our problem is lack of communication especially about little everyday irritations. They might be small but if left they fester and turn into an explosion later on.

How do you tell your DH about something he has done that has annoyed/irritated you without causing a row?

Eg. I asked DH to throw the (plastic) christmas tree out as i want to get a new one for next year. Instead he left it lying in front of the utility room door and as i am in and out of there all the time it was a complete nuisance. I threw it out today myself but got really annoyed at him that he couldn't do a simple thing like that. He uses the utility room as a dumping ground for 'stuff' and it gets in my way when i'm trying to sort out the laundry. I get annoyed as he should know better. How am i supposed to get to the washing maching/dryer if i can't see them behind all his stuff?

If i try and bring this up with him i know he will just get annoyed and blame me for not telling him 'nicely' about what he has done wrong. I can't tell him nicely as i am bloody annoyed with him!

What do i do?

I agree with abedelia - we eat a quiet meal together whenever we can, usually about once a week at home. And we sit and talk, and talk and talk. He gets to tell me about work and his stresses, I get to catch him up on home stuff and the children (he has a long demanding job too).

About household stuff, to be honest, I let a lot go. Usually they are my pet hates, not his so I just get on with it. However, I would just include it in a nice conversation. My Dh tends to get defensive, so I carefully choose my words (how very childlike eh?!) but it works and keeps the peace. It's tricky isn't it?

You need to sit down and advise him before what you want to discuss.
Tell him that you are not "moaning" at him but just need his help and support.
Make him aware of what you want to discuss so he knows and is prepared.
You need to explain that although he works alot, you do as well and you need his help in whatever way it is.

I can sympathise with you, im also a sahm and dh atm is working away mon-thurs. I must admit I do miss him BUT on the other hand I love the fact that my home stays nice and tidy . I tend to do most of the jobs, putting out the rubbish, cleaning, seeing to the lo's, general home life "admin", shopping etc..mainly as dh's not around to help and it would never get done BUT also because I guess I try and get it all done so he has little to do (working alot iykwim) when home and we can have more family time...

BUT when dh is home yes I do expect him to help. Its not easy and esp previously it was a nightmare until I spelt it out to dh and told him that his lack of help (even little tasks) was getting me down. It was as thought I had 3 lo's instead of 2.
I think on the days dh is home he realises how much there is to do (dispite all I have done already!) and does do his best on occasions.

It does feel like im constantly nagging..

Thing is with men, they really don't think like us women. Dh would gladly walk past clean washing on the stairs before I suggest he takes it upstairs. They can be blind to what needs to be done. You need to point them in the right direction .

BTW, our bathroom ceiling has needed painting for the last 4 months... I have tried on several occasions to do it myself but im to short lol! Today was my final attempt and the ball has now been placed in dh's court. He will do it, just takes him longer .

BTW, try not to get into an argument. Talk them move on.

I agree about the point of not eating in front of the TV. Dh comes home and I literally have to "pause" the TV to ask/tell dh anything. .

Hi, thanks for your posts. We have made a decision to not put on the tv in the evenings and try and get into bed for an early night as often as we can. Not just for but also to talk. I find we both talk a lot more openly if we are cuddled up in bed.

But i guess treating him like a child and telling him off nicely may be the only way forward. I just get so annoyed as I can't and don't get annoyed with the DC's for all the mad/silly things they do because they are actually children. DH is a grown adult of 40 and should know better which is why i get so annoyed with him.

btw I agree with crace...over the years of living and being married to dh I have changed slightly..

where as I wanted everything (chore wise) to be split 50/50 I now split it about 99/1 lol! .
Its easier to do it myself than to ask and wait for dh to do it.

My mums bit of good advice was "instead of asking him to do it and having an argument, do it yourself" less hassle.

Must admit 9 yrs ago I was like "yeah whatever". "he can help out or ship out" BUT tbh these days esp since the lo's have arrived its easier to do it myself.
I laugh to myself when I think of mums advice. How right was she.!

I juggle everything to ensure my home is clean and tidy and its done weekly but I manage it...

Dh does help out btw...once home he does help with the lo's and will cook etc..can't remember the last time he cleaned the toilet however .

The trouble with the christmas tree thing is that i specifically asked him to put it outside. It's really big and bulky and heavy, otherwise i would have done it myself. There was nothing stopping him putting it outside except sheer laziness i think. All he did was move it from the corner of the living room where it was in no-one's way to in front of the utility room door where it was constantly in my way.

Arrggghh!!!!! I'm getting annoyed again just thinking about it.

He keeps saying he wishes we could get away for a few days away on our own which we could just manage as his parents are happy having the DC's for 1 or 2 nights. But our problems will still be here when we come back and i want to find a way of living everyday life in a pleasant and harmonious way. I could just do everything myself but i know i would just get resentful of him so i don't think that's the answer.

I think now i should have put the tree back in the living room instead of throwing it outside myself. And then got him to put it out when he got home.

I do pretty much everything myself so i do get annoyed when i ask him to do one thing and he doesn't do it. How do i talk to him about this without ruining our 'second honeymoon'?

Does he have an "office" at home..? Put the tree in there for him

shhh, yes he does have an office at home. What a good idea! Wish i had thought of that myself. I can't be bothered now to go and get the tree from outside and put it in his office but i will definately remember this for next time.

And unfortunately i know there will be a next time. .

Like loads of men out there i think he expects me to treat him like his mum does. When do men grow up? Is it when their own parents pass away? Sorry if that's a bit morbid. But it seems that some of you can let things go more than i can although i do let loads of minor annoyances go but he doesn't know that as i don't say anything. Perhaps i should start mentioning all the things i have let go so he realises that when i do get annoyed about something he should take it seriously and not get annoyed himself.

IME you will become distant again. And they you'll fall in love again. And then become distant again. It seems to be the pattern for longterm relationships.

But do talk. Tis more sexy than sex iyswim.

Hmmm...can't advise you there sorry...

Im not the most perfect when it come to dh and moaning at him but reading this thread makes me see that I think I do let alot go past iykwim...
BUT when I do get annoyed he knows it..guess it boils till I explode.

The office idea is good and it gets results.
My dad always says "don't get mad get even" .
Dh used to be annoying (still is at times now) with rolling socks into a ball and putting into the washing basket or on the floor...I washed them that way and DRIED them that way. He ended up with a rolled up damp smelly sock ball in his drawer .

He also used to leave the buttons done up on his shirts,I would wash them all buttoned up. I now won't iron (gets sent off to an ironer) or dh does it himself...
Hmm funny that...its now one habit he rarely does .

I guess you need to point them in the direction of their errors without moaning..

btw,your initial post struck chords with me...we also have had more than lifes crap thrown at us as a couple&family. In 13 yrs of being together we have split up, had miscarriages,had a very ill ds, had sickness after sickness with the dk's, dh working away etc...at times we wonder if someone has a voodoo doll of us..it honestly feels that way.I do worry about our relationship but I guess that if we can take this we can take anything. We look at it like: we have had all this put on us as obviously "someone" up there knows we can cope with it...maybe not all couples could..

You could try making the tree thing into a joke. With things like that I tend to wait till he's sitting on the sofa and then drag it in and dump it on top of him / lay it by his feet and tell him to get it out NOW! Usually does the trick...

EVERY day, WITHOUT FAIL, the first fifteen minutes you're back in the same house at the same time for any length of time - dump the kids in front of a dvd, throw chocolate buttons at them, whatever it takes.

Then set the pattern - the first fifteen minutes are for you and DH, no-one else, barring choking or actual bodily harm.

Just sit, and have a cup of tea, or a glass of wine , and a chat, and learn not to use the time to review to do lists, or grievances.

My mum and dad always did this, it peed me off royally as a teenager, their little quarter hour smooch (I assumed) in the kitchen, while I mooched around after my sisters, but it kept them stable.

DH and I do it, religiously, and provided you treat it as sacrosanct, and not to be tainted with mumps and moans, it will help you stay friends.

Ormirian, no! I don't want to get distant again! It was awful. There must be a way to avoid highs and lows and just have a nice, steady, stable relationship.

I think for us the key is good communication to avoid festering irritations and to keep us close. Trouble is i don't really know how to talk to him about things that have annoyed me.....just one of the many things that was not role modelled by my parents.....

maybe you could come to a solution like this...

get a pad of paper:

please put tree out by thursday

take out rubbush - weds

agree that he needs to do things on list by day specified. explain that it will avoid you 'nagging' him.

don't put too much on there!

i really try to let most things go with dh as it ends up making me feel worse. he's getting good at remembering his jobs but he's not me and doesn't care so much if the house is clean and i have to accept that. he is not me!

top tip: do something for yourself (take up jogging, regular pamper sessions in the bathroom, go out for a coffee without kids). you might find that helps to put you in a better frame of mind about the little things.

Don't underestimate how good a night or two away without children can be.

You said that your ILs would have the children for a night or 2 so take them up on the offerand find a nice hotel to escape to !

Just being able to eat a meal/sleep/talk/get "physical" without having to have one ear open for the DC is fantastic.

DA, you are me ! I have sat there nodding at each of your points!

I agree, a list is a good idea. In fact last week dh wrote his own list . Never been know in the 9 yrs we have lived together .
He never did anything off it however BUT its a start !

thanks shhh!
i decided that this year i am not going to let things bother me so much. he's a good man and he works hard and so what if he leaves his socks on the floor. he does most of the things i ask and sometimes surprises me by putting off a shelf!

OMG, I think we may share the same dh .

LOL at him putting up a shelf....Dh did the same....... In 13 yrs of knowing him he decided one day to "make" me a shelf in the washing/ironing/towel cupboard.. LOL AND i never even asked for one.....
Love it though..and its still up after 1 month! unlike the coat hooks....which.. I found out he had "fudged" putting up to get jiggy with it (or with me should I say)
Out of 5 hooks only 2 are still up!

lol

First of all congratulations on rekindling the love in the first place - you are more than half way there I think!

We went through a really tough time after having 2 kids in 18 months, me a touch of PND, DH working v long hours etc. The 1 think that really helped us to start to communicate (and keep communicating) with each other is a book called THE BIG BOOK OF US by Nina Grunfeld. It is a fantastic book for any couple TBH and especially those feeling a bit disconnected with lots of outside pressures/ time constraints etc. My DH is a pretty sceptical Northern Bloke but he surprised me by going with me on this book and it paid dividends for us both. We have our ups and downs but are still much happier overall 2 years on. Good Luck XX

Get a job (however small) so you have a life beyond the home that you can talk about and escape to.
Long term SAHM just aint sexy.Noble yes, sexy, no.

Cheeky mare.

So work makes you sexy Moondog? What line of work are you in then?