I would like your tips on how to 'keep the love alive' despite the trials and tribulations of everyday life with young DC's

[oneplusone]

Just what the title says really. DH and I have been through a bit of a nightmare over the past few years due to various things (issues with my family, ill health, young demanding DC's etc etc). We have somehow managed to survive through it all and stay together and recently seemed to have turned a corner and we both feel deeply in love again.

I am worried though that when this 'second honeymoon' is over, we will fall back into old patterns and gradually become disconnected and distant again.

I would love all your tips and ideas for keeping our love alive when everyday life is doing it's hardest to drive us apart all the time.

I am a full time SAHM, DD,5 is in yr 1, DS, 2.8 is at nursery a couple of afternoons a week, DH is out at work from 8am til 7.30pm Monday to Friday. We have no outside help/support apart from a babysitter on a saturday who comes about once a month. I know a big part of our problem is simply due to tiredness and lack of time together, but i can't see how we can change that and so I think we need to find a way to work around it.

TIA

Each of you gets the same amount of time (two to three hours per week is reasonable and manageable) that is you time. When you go out of the house and do something that is purely for your benefit and your pleasure. Prioritise this over 'couple-time' which for SAHMs can easily turn into an extra chore ie 'this is the bit which he expects sex or at least sex after the token romantic hour'. By all means build in couple-time ie going out together while a babysitter looks after the DC but you need to spend time being yourself, not a parent or a domestic appliance.

I must admit, I bend over backwards to avoid nagging. To me, there is nothing more narky-old-couplish than husbands and wives who bicker and nag constantly about the small stuff.

To this end, I have a niggle list (bit like DA's idea . When DH has some free time, he has a look at it, and often gets through it (for which I duly praise him, and tell him he is wonderful )

WRT your Christmas tree, I would have left it, then when he came home, I'd have said something like "I see you moved the tree- thanks, but you know I just don't think this is the right setting for it . Any chance you could lug it outside for me? Unfortunately I wasn't able to do ANY washing/ ironing with it in the way- but you're ok to go commando to work tomorrow, aren't you? and I'm sure your boss won't notice if we dig one of these dirty shirts out of the laundry basket..."

hi im new2this thing so help and suggeions wld b gr8! topic took my eye straight away, im a first time mum and have felt elated then frustrated then confused then on top of the world i guess its the hormones? L's one month old things hav been tough but from what ive read not as bad as it could b! i hav a wonderful hubby and our relationship was red hot b4 baba and since well it seems to be nothin but arguments we're both so tired all the time and really grizzly, he goes back 2 work fri where he goes to work at 5 he's gonna b even mor tired and im gonna be sole carer 4 El wat could i do to calm things btween us? El can definately sense atmosphere and our moods?
apologise 4 such long post!

Thanks all for your great suggestions and tips. I really like the idea of having some time by ourselves as soon as DH gets in from work.

We have been doing that, we don't manage 15 mins as DC's come looking way before then, but 5 mins to have a kiss and a cuddle and a "I love you" always gets the evening off to a good start.

I have not mentioned the christmas tree thing at all and what stopped me was this by DA "i decided that this year i am not going to let things bother me so much. he's a good man and he works hard and so what if he leaves his socks on the floor"

DH is a good man and he does work hard and i need to keep that at the forefront of my mind i guess and not let the little things get to me. He has stuck by me through thick and thin and still loves me even though I have been a complete disaster area for the past couple of years.

Thank you all. I am going to save this thread and come back to it whenever i feel the little things getting to me again.

moondog
Gosh you sound like my friends who are wm's...(unlike me..a sahm..)

"oh, kids driving you up the wall..you need a job"

"Oh,not happy dh is out with the lads...you need a job"

"Oh,moaning dh doesn't do his share of the chores..you need a job"

"oh..its tuesday..you need a job"

Geddit.?! Why do people feel that us sahm's answer to life's problems is to get a job. Don't you think we already have a job..?.

Relationships change and evolve as life change with DC's etc.

My marriage has changed drastically over the last 16 years, both young, working full time, out most nights with friends....
Now, Me sahm, 2 beautiful, dc of preschool age, continually tired and nagging constantly.

I have decided, to spend time for myself once a week, this is normally having a beauty treatment, luxury bath, going for a run, meeting friends without children, one morning a week while DC are at playschool.

I spend time in the evening eating, talking with DH.

If we have something to talk about that needs a in depth conversation, I find this is most effective when both in the bath you can sit face to face, and its quite difficult to ignore or brush off comments, once the problem has been talked through, it often leads to a very pleasant evening

Beyond this I have also started just getting on with things rather than nagging.

But last time we went out for a meal I took a pen and paper with me, and we sat and discussed all the little jobs that needed doing around the house within the next year, from putting up shelves, repainting kitchen, buying DS a big bed, to little things like, tidying out his junk cupboard.
The effect of this has been unbelievable, I don't nag about these irritating things asking when it will be done, and if DH has some free time he checks the list and says shall we get so and so done today.

works for us

shhh, totally agree! I already have a job and getting another one wouldn't solve anything. I like the freedom of being a SAHM and i think it is the best thing for my children whilst they are so young.

While you may not need or want to get a paid job outside the home, you do need some adult company at intervals (other than your partner). Otherwise your conversation slowly but surely dwindles to being about nothing but potties, poo and Cbeebies. So either find a reasonable parent-and-Lo group near you or have an evening a week when you go out (and your DP does the childcare) and do somethign adult-only.

oneplusone, i'm so pleased i could help it is hard esp when you feel like he is taking the p*ss! i just try to remember how i used to feel when i got home from work and then imagine someone saying to me "why didn't you do this blah blah blah...".

good luck and do make some time for yourself, it really helps

solidgold, I do have plenty of adult company. I regularly meet up with friends without the DC's, and other mums again with or without the DC's. I am always reading and DH always have loads to talk about which is pretty good after 9 years together.

It really is the little irritations that i find really hard to tackle and talk to him about in a non-argumentative way. When i was growing up we never learnt how to communicate within our family, we would all let our little irritations fester until eventually it would explode into a huge massive row. I need to learn how to talk to DH about these sorts of things in a way that doesn't get him on the defensive.