Are we giving up too easily?

[dustbuster]

My partner and I have have a 10 month old DD. Over Christmas we decided to separate. It is completely mutual - we have both been very unhappy with the relationship since DD was born. We have tried hard since the summer to improve things, and although we have found some practical solutions to things like housework, it has to be said that the emotional side of things has not improved at all.

Since we came to this decision I have felt quite relieved - sad for DD, and a bit anxious about the practical arrangements - but not mourning for the relationship. He says he feels the same way.

We are keen to remain friendly, and live close by, and he will share care of DD.

My feeling is that it is better to separate now, firstly because DD will be able to adapt to the new arrangements better at such a young age (?), and secondly because if we stay together I think we will really start to detest each other.

I know a lot of people will think this is just a post-baby blip and that we should try Relate etc. But I honestly believe that it is a lot more than that - in a nutshell, we don't really have that much in common, despite the fact that we get on well intellectually. So there are a LOT of conflicts about things we can't agree on, and I have come to feel like I can't live my life without him disapproving of me.

Any thoughts? Has anyone felt like their relationship was completely and utterly dead in the water and experienced it coming back to life?

Anyone? TIA for any advice...

It doesn't seem like you are giving up too easily to me.

It sounds like you are both in exactly the same place,at the same time, very unusual in relationship breakdowns.

This gives you an excellent chance for an amicable future, with least confusion and disruption for your dd.

Carry on communicating as well as you do and it sounds like the best option.

Just a thought though, is this balanced dynamic likely to change at all if either of you finds a new partner?

It seems a big leap from not getting on very well to not being able to live your life as you want because he will disapprove of you.

Thanks for your comments .

AnyFucker, this is pretty much how I see it. I don't think things would change too much with new partners on the scene - I know I wouldn't mind (unless she has a total cow and it affected DD) and he is not the jealous type at all.

NAB, yes, it does feel like a big leap, but as soon as we decided to separate I started thinking "wow, I can do this, and this, and this and this and THIS" and it made me realise how much I wasn't doing because I knew/thought he disapproved. Mostly pretty trivial stuff but lots of it, which has added up to make me feel quite restricted and depressed.

Why not find out if he does disapprove before you make any assumptions?

Oh no he does disapprove!

He has strong views which affect a lot of ordinary everyday life decisions. This has long been an issue for us, I have tried to adapt in a lot of ways but not enough for him, and it has left me feeling quite angry and resentful.

I do think that having a baby together puts a HUGE strain on a marriage. Are you really sure that this is not something like that?

Why not make it a trial seperation. Maybe what you need is some space from each other to discover how you feel. You might even fall back in love. It happens.

Hi Dior.

Yes, the baby is part of it. But these are also problems that we had before. Pre-DD we were able to give each other loads of space, basically did our own thing, e.g. I always see friends on my own as he is not that sociable.

We have very few things that we enjoy doing together - a lot of what I like doing (cooking, films, friends, going out for the day) he is not into at all. Which makes me wonder what the point of working at it is, if we are going to have so little to base a family life on.

I'd say go for it. My husband and I split two years ago - I was really upset because he instigated it but we'd come to the end of the road and he did me a favour. Our DD was 7 at the time. My ex lives locally and we share child-care and are friendly. Both of us have new partners and he's having a baby with his. He's painting my bedroom as we speak! There seems to be little, if any, acrimony in your case and I have no doubt your DD will be fine, especially as she won't remember her parents as a couple.

Your 'problems' sound as if you have just got into the habit of taking each other for granted tbh. Not a make or break matter, unless there is more to it.

From my own experience, I would say that it is so easy, with a young baby around, to give up too easily. A trial separation sounds like a good idea to me.

Monkeytrousers - yes, this had occurred to me. I can't see it happening at the moment, but you never know, a bit of time and space works wonders. I think it's something we have both thought about.

I think we will treat it as a proper split, as it's otherwise very confusing for friends and family etc. I'd also like to get things sorted out re DD and the house. But we will carry on seeing a lot of each other, and I suppose we will have to see how we feel in six months or so.

There is only one question that needs to be answered and that is "do you still love each other?"

If the answer is yes, you need counselling together to help sort through whatever issues you both have.

If the answer is no, then good luck separating and keeping it amicable. I hope it works out

Marriages take work IMHO/E.

Thanks mocca - and everyone. It's really nice to hear about amicable separations. You read some real horror stories about uncooperative (and worse) exes, so it's lovely that people can be civilised. I'm glad things worked out well for you.

Dior, thanks for your advice, it sounds like you know what you're talking about. A part of me thinks that this is all too easy - and does that mean that the relationship is at its natural end, or that we have just reached a bit of a trough and we should keep on trying?

Can I ask without you getting upset and anyone kicking off, why you tried for a baby if there were problems before?

I've never believed in 'trial separations'.

You can still get back together in the future if you both want to, but if separating feels right then do it, and do it completely.

I split up once with my DP and we got back together six months later. It hasn't been plain sailing but I am so glad we're together.

But I also have experience of the 'not approving' thing, with a past love. I thought I would be devastated when we split but I found that instead I felt euphoria at being able to do all the things I wanted without having to answer to buggerlugs. In all honesty I have never looked back, and I laugh now to think that I once lived the way I did when I was with him. That person just wasn't me.

Good luck with whatever you do - you sound like a very strong, caring and sensible person.

x -posted

Astarte, I think we love each other but more in a 'friendly' way. There doesn't seem to be any anguish on either side about the split, which suggests to me that the love is platonic rather than the sort that glues a long term relationship/marriage together...

Thanks for posting everyone, much appreciated.

As someone else said, do you still love him? I didn't think I still loved my h 18 months ago. When I told him I had seen a solicitor and wanted a divorce, he was shocked. We talked for hours and when I went to bed, I realised how much I would miss him. We stayed together and things are good. We try not to take what we have for granted.

I am NOT saying that you are taking each other for granted - just that you should be SURE before you split as it costs alot in money and heartache.

If you do split, good luck.

NAB, you have every right to ask! I think the problems did not seem that bad before as we were very independent from each other. Being thrown together by having a baby has really made me realise just how different we are. We have always got on well, but we like doing very different things and have different ideas of what our life should be like.

MorrisZapp (like the name!), thank you for your kind words. There is a lot in your post which rings true for me. I think I am feeling the 'euphoria' at the moment - I suppose my only reservation is that this feels a bit selfish. What about DD? Wouldn't it be better for her to have two parents under one roof? (But my heart says not if they are unhappy and getting at each other non-stop.)

Dior, I'm glad things worked out for you. I think the problem with us is that he is not really prepared to change. (And I have tried to change but not enough for him and too much for me, IYSWIM.) He sees why I am unhappy, but can't/won't compromise what are very strongly held beliefs.

I think we DO take each other for granted - but I am not sure that can change. Perhaps as Monkeytrousers suggests, we will appreciate each other a lot more if we are living apart.

Yes, you sound to have maturely made the decision (not patronising you - honestly!)

I think accessing Relate might be useful anyway. It might be useful for you both to come out of the relationship with a clear view of how each of you feel about each other as a person, partner and parent.
Not just to help the openness of the parental relationship you will always have, but because no one is perfect and sometimes it can help to have a clear view of your own role in where the relationship actually went wrong IYSWIM.

If once you've been to Relate it is clear to both of you that the relationship is at it's natural end then fair enough call it a day.

Astarte, that is a really helpful suggestion. I am not sure he will be keen, as he tends to feel that we are perfectly capable of analysing our own relationship, but I think it sounds like an excellent idea.

Dior, that doesn't come across at all patronisingly!

Yes, your relatonshgip won't end, just your romantic/sexual relationship. To be honest, if you are on good terms, that's the thing you need to try to maintain for the sake of your child. It will all get very complicated the moment one of you meets someone else and they begin to resent the time you/he put aside for eachother. Good luck.