He done it again, this time its worse

[whatdoyouallthink]

Back in summer 2007 I found a sent text on his phone 'that sounds nice see you soon beautifull' sent to someone called Lee I asked him about it he said it was a mistake just a girl who lived near where he worked and had been texted but NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. Ok we tried to get over it but had a nagging feeling i wasnt being told the full truth. A mutual friend told me that this girl had in fact given him a blow job in his car. He swore it didnt finish as he was so racked with guilt. He went away for 4 days and we decided to get over it and try to move on. Several great months followed. Feb this year..im pregnant with dc3 he says its ok we are happy and he loves me there is no choice. He stops sleeping with me in May this year tells me its because of work and stress(his business is struggling) I believe him. I check his phone-nothing. He plays a certain sport which means his out the house for hours at a time. October things are getting worse still no sex, ask him over and over if there is anyone else, if his had a one night stand and got some horrible std my god even if he was gay!(in a jokey way!) November our baby is born. Two weeks paternity leave are made hell for me. He goes to 'work' I cant get hold of him, he dont answer his phone, his work colleagues havent seen him he goes out every afternoon of paternity leave refuses to take eldest dc and comes back late at night. Im going mad crying shouting at him why is he doing this to me. He always sweet talked me round to his just busy etc etc. He has always liked a drink but the drinking increased to everyday and i would beg him to go a day without and he just couldnt do it. Xmas eve after 6weeks of him disappearing I asked him some more what was going on. He said he didnt know what he wanted anymore was questioning if we was right for each other. I didnt scream or shout but sat down with him and said he had to do what he thought was best no point staying for the kids if he isnt happy etc etc. We agree to make an effort over xmas. By boxing day he was so down in the dumps and had his head in his hands every 2 minutes and wasnt getting anywhere with his thinking. 30/12 big row, he calls me unstable and a freak and how can things every work with me the way I am. I ask him to go, he leaves. Phone call from a mutual friend-he had been seeing someone else. A 18yr old girl who works behind the bar at his sports club and its been going on since MAY!! I confront him he doesnt deny it. Since then its all got so complicated he is still not living at the marital home I am with the kids. He told me he told her he loves her, she may be pregnant, found out he has ANOTHER MOBILE PHONE!!He cant believe he has hurt her he knows he has hurt me but cant believe he has hurt her. He is still lying to me about stuff I know to be true he hasnt got rid of the other phone and is probally still talking to the girl. He is sorry but not exactly knocking my door down sorry. He only slept with ehr once. He been taking her to uni and so many people know about it I feel like the last to know. Her sister even phoned someone and told them the girl has met his parents He says he dont know what he wants and he doesnt know if she is pregnant. Shit hit the fan yesterday as I sent her very religious parents a letter telling them that she been sleeping with a married man. This girl knows me so she knew he was married with kids and a pregnant wife. He dont want me to contact him and most importnat thing 'is the kids' he wasnt thinking of them before was he!He reckons he needs counselling but as yet not done anything about it. I havent screamed or shouted at him and he finds that 'weird' he said im evil for sending the letter. He comes round to see the kids and suddenly starts doing housework and the babys bottles things he never done before. I feel like he playing me off against her. He came to see the kids sunday and even done his hair before he left although he swore he wasnt seeing her-like his word means anything. Ive asked him to be 100% honest but the lies still keep coming. It now all my fault apparently our marriage has been struggling for the past 4yrs, he keeps coming up with random times that I had the ump over something stupid. He has had a lot of freedom from me I think, more so then a lot of men but apparently even that is not good enough. I dont understand any of it and when I ask any questions about his relationship with the girl he says its irrelevant as the problems were already there. When I ask if he wants the relationship to coninue he just says 'how can it' not that he dont want it to. We will never get over this, but I just thought id share the story and see what replies I get!

So he 'owes' you the truth but only when he decides to give it to you.
Maybe he needs time to get his story straight?
I think Pinkfox has hit the nail on the head, she was probably making it up to keep him. Good job she wasn't pg. At least you don't have to worry about a potential brother/sister for your dc.
Try and get a good nights sleep tonight, have a long hot bath and pamper yourself. You deserve it.

All my friends think that the pg thing was some teenage drama i mean she went off on hol for a month with her parents and never done anything about it?!as if you would do that at 18 we all thought surely you would be horrified at being pregnant by a married man esp when your parents are as religous as hers!
Had the girls dad on the phone asking me waht has been going on told him all of it he horrified that his daughter can do this although I know its not all her fault. But she did know me and my kids through the sports club thing.
Ive no doubt that he is gonna feed me so much bull tommorow about how its all my fault etc but at the moment am in a go fuck yourself kinda mood. The house is so much more peacefull without him around and while I know il have hard times and bad moments think me and my 3 beautiful kids are better of without the lying cheating scumbag(ay mum!)Lol, ginny my mum pointed me in this direction she loves mumsnet!!!In fact she was gonna post my story 1st!

Do you know what, saying it important to focus on the kids as they're the most important thing actually means stop asking me I don't want to talk about and i'm going to try and guilt you into stopping.

Lovebeingamummy, never thought of that one! But makes sense as whenever I have asked a question 'its irrelevant and all that matters is the kids' so I think you hit the nail on the head there!

I am so sorry for you, but we CHOOSE our behaviour, you can't necessarily help how you feel about someone but you choose what you do about it.

I feel that you have hit the nail on the head with the whole teenage drama angle. When I was 18 I had 2 friends who were pregnant and they were petrified. We were catholic with very catholic parents. The fact that her Dad rang shows that she too is lying about her role.

I am at your MIL, your husband may have been feeding her a pack of lies to in order to have her support.

I truly believe that your husband will be horrified when he realises that life isn't greener living away from you and the children. They think they are escaping responsibility.

You sound amazingly strong, stay that way.

My friend has a dss and

She had lied to her parents as she told them she didnt know he was married-er yes she met me and my kids several times! The dad wants my oh to stay away from his daughter and ring him if I know they are in contact still. The whole thing just gets weirder and weirder.
I dont know what he telling the MIL but she did also say 'i dont know what problems were there before' erm none that I was aware off as I was plodding along having his baby.
When they leave you with your babies you have no choice but to stay strong I believe fizzylemonade. While he is flitting around doing what he wants while he 'thinks' im here with the daily grind of the house and school runs and night feeds with my 2month old. Then he has the cheek to say all that about the kids being important-I fucking know that im the one here with them 24/7 trying to hold their little lives together while he does all he can to ruin us.
Not really looking forward to his meeting today but il let him have his say.

Hope it goes okay, but like you said, I wouldn't trust him to say the truth - judge him by his actions. Just be calm and if he is insulting to you just let it wash over you as it's not down to you - he just can't handle the fact he's a lying, cheating lowlife and so needs someone else to blame. We are right behind you x

Thanks mitfordsisters, I still havent screamed and shouted at him which he finds 'weird' and he says thatI must have a hidden agenda its obviously freaking him out and making him try to 2nd guess whats going on! I have no agenda i really dont!
Il let you all know what he has to say and im going to stay as calm as possible especially as have the baby here. He hasnt made any contact yet so kinda thinking he may not come.

HAve you seen him?

It's good (and amazing!) that you are calm given what he is putting you through, but really the best way. It's no wonder he thinks it's weird given that he obviously indulges all his desires and doesn't have the same concept of self control that you do - having been holding the fort all this time; looking after the children and keeping house. He needs to grow up, but it sounds like you can leave him to do that on his own.

DOn't take him back as a partner. He doesn't want to be in a couple-relationship with you, let alone a monogamous one: he wants to live in your house and get fed and have his washing done.
COnsult a solicitor, get all the relevant facts about the house, maintenance, any benefits you might be entitled to etc then tell him you are happy to sort out sensible access to the DC for him, particularly as that means you can havea a social life as well.

But honestly, whatever propaganda you might get about how you should 'stay together/try harder/eat shit cos that's what women do', don;t fall for it. This man doesn;t love you and trying to make him love you is going to drive you mad. ONce you have ended the couple-relationship and it's no longer relevant to you where he puts his willy, you may be able, in time, to manage a civilised co-parent relationship with him.

mitfordsisters, no not seen him or heard from him since yest. He rang last night told me he would be round 2day to talk and spoke to eldest DC then put phone down telling eldest he would ring back thats the last we heard from him.

Had the girls dad on the phone again this morning wanting more details as he is also gonna phone hubby today. Dont know if that has happened yet.

Am off the opinion he made his bed now deal with the fall out. I dont want him back im feeling much more positive about the whole thing now and much stronger.

SGSJA, phoned tax credits the day he left and am awaiting to hear about my other benefits but that ball is already rolling.

As for access to the children I did give him a set day and time which he said had to stop and over the weekend he saw them fri,sat,sun AND mon. I will have to sort out a set time and date as dont want him just coming and going as its got to be confusing for the children? He also keeps saying bout having them overnight, esp the baby ive so far refused but know I need to sort out where I stand on that front.

aww poor you

i think you are better off without him - whatever your heart say

he doesnt know what he wants, has been unfaithful several times, and basically doesnt repect you or he would kick his dick in his pants

yes sort out a fixed day and time for him to visit/take out or you will never know when he is coming - least he wants to see his children ( many dads dont - so that is in his favour) and yes let the older 2 spend a night at his, but think baby might be a bit young at the moment

just wanted to add, i think you are doing the right thing by not getting angry (pass it on to girls father) or it can turn into "you and me against the world" and give them reason to stay together. keep calm, keep strong, you are doing great. im pretty sure he will come crawling back later (but thats another thread)

I would try to detach yourself from the girl's father - her family situation is not your problem. I can appreicate that you won't have any friendly feelings towards this girl, but it would be a mistake to allow yourself to be drawn into her family situation and used as a weapon against her (if her father is unreasonable and punitive then that may be why she got mixed up with an older man in the first place).
Has your XP moved out? If so, get your keys back so he can't wander in and out as he pleases.

Well he came round and told me that we are finished as he loves her. I asked him if he was going to finish with her and he said 'he cant'.

Anyway then he started asking me questions about things I seriously havent done and I asked him questions about some of the things that are getting back to me about him and her. Turns out it all returns back to the girl and her sister doing some major shit stirring. It all seemed clear to me they are trying to make us hate each other with the utter rubbish being spouted by them both.

He said he could see it all a little clearer and what a bad judge his been. He said if its true then she is truly twisted as he is telling her what a mess she is and she is still messing with his head making up lies about me. I tried to tell him that that is what young immature girls will do she clearly has no understanding of the fact the regardless of mine and his situation we have 3 young children in the middle of it all.

I said to him about the pregnancy thing, could he not see that it is some teenage drama and he said he was starting to think that way. When I pressed him more for the dates of the pregnancy thing turns out she told him she was late BEFORE her period was even due we have had 3 kids you would think he could do the maths!!

The girl is dragging mutual friends of ours into it all saying they are saying things that they arent even that they are ringing her parents which all seems a bit strange!!

Anyway he left here saying that he is clearly more of a wanker then he first thought(finally he sees that he is!) as he was sorry for dragging her into this mess but she is clearly just making the mess worse now.

He left and had a phonecall from the dad who told him it stops now. He said he would speak to her later that night but asked the dad to clear up some of the crap she been saying and he backed it up that it is that-crap.

Anyway thats how things were left. He rang last night about something to do with the house and when I said to him 'can you see what she is doing' his whole attitude from earlier in the day changed and he was arsey with a capital A and just put the phone down and wont speak to me.Have to see what happens today I guess.

Regardless of what is going to happen between me and him(split is the way as he has betrayed me too much this time) but I dont think he needs her in his ear bad mouthing me and causing trouble. I hope he sees what is going on.

SGSJA yes he has moved out but he still has the key. I asked for it back when he came and took his stuff but he 'forgot' and hasnt mentioned it yet. When we are in he knocks but he knows the times during the day that im out on school runs and how long im gone for so do wonder if he would let himself in without me knowing.
Although the dad has asked me to ring im not going to as you say its not a situation I want to be involved in. As far as im concerned ive told him all he needs to know.
Pinkfox, im sorry to hear you have a similar situation where trust is concerned it does slowly chip away at you and you love them less and less. The man standing in front of telling me he loves this immature 18yr old is not the man I know.

She sounds like a poisonous little witch. And your soon to be ex H sounds like a spineless twat. You are better off without him.
Please, do NOT let him make you take the blame for ANY of this - YOU ARE NOT!!!
Sorry you are going throught this right now.
You and your kids are what's important right now, what he wants is secondary.

While the girl's behaviour is pretty destructive, she is only 18 and has probably been fed al manner of bullshit by your H.
COncentrate on getting rid of him legally - if he keeps 'forgetting' to give back the key, change the locks - and on planning a future with your DC. Best of luck.

Sounds like the girl's father is bloody pissed off...he won't accept his girl is wrong most likely so I expect he's come heavy on your DH...who will take the path of least resistance I suspect.

Perhaps you should lock your DH and the girls father in a room together and leave them to it.

I'm so sorry your DH has done this, and that he's done it with a teenage looney who has family back up.

Just tell them, if they contact you, that you and your children are the injured parties and retain your dignity.

So sorry you are going through this.

So sorry you are going through this.

I think you should stop talking to her dad too. You don't need to get involved in any more of their sad little world.

As for him blaming it all on her and sister i think he will not face up to the fact he is a husband and father of 3 dc who is playing around with a young girl who is easy to blame.

I doubt you are going to make him see what damage he is causing he has to see that for himself.

Please do not let him blame you.

He had you to balme first and then saw that you wasn't standing for it and now it is all her fault - he is still playing you.

Stay strong and solid and make sure everything happens on your terms and are what you wanty - you don't want to behere again in a few years, checking mobile phones and worrying if he is out being given blow jobs or shagging some cheap tart.

You have to make the decisions now and I would start by realising that he is to blame - he is the only one who had loyalties and they were to you and your kids.

it does sound like you are trying to blame her - of course she is being ridiculous but he is a grown man and he has got involved with her - however badly she is acting, he has formed a relationship with her, so at the end of the day, it is his fault and his decisions that have got you all in this situation.

all best, x

I know this 18 year old girl sounds like a right pain in the arse but at the end of the day she is just that ? an immature 18 year old girl. She doesn?t have any emotional attachment, or sense of loyalty to you or your children or any history with you which should have stood for something. She didn?t make promises or commitments to you. She just did what she did. Granted, in an ideal world everyone should have a strong sense of what is right and what is wrong and she perhaps shouldn?t have started seeing your husband when she knew he was married, you were pregnant and he had other children too but??

The one you should be really focusing on here is your husband. He is the one who did have an emotional attachment to you and your children. He is the one who should have felt a sense of loyalty to you all and he is the one who broke the promises and commitments he made to you all. He is the one who really betrayed you all and totally let you down.

The girl is a pain in the arse but your husband is the real villain here. Get rid, and quick!

dittany, He is mid 30s. I do dread to think what bull he has fed her about me especially as ive had a rather nasty email from the girl bitching at me about everything from what kind of wife I was to bringing up my DC and how my H cares for them 'more then I know' and how im clearly not thinking of them She also told me what a twisted person I was .

lilyloo, I dont want to be in contact with her family anymore and the last time the father was in contact I made things clear that I was now going to concentrate on my future with my DC.

MC and newgirl, totally agree focus did shift for a while there-this girl is dangerous and trouble yes but I know he is the one more in the wrong and the one who has betrayed us.

Funny how his 'emotional attachment' to the children has increased some what now and they are all that matter all of a sudden. From reading other posts though im guessing its all just a pattern of this type of situation.