am i overreacting, please help!

[fairycakes]

Please can someone tell me if I am over reacting or give me some advice? Sorry its so long.

DP is friends with a girl he works with ? she is always texting and ringing him (and he probably does the same back) which I am not very comfortable with, and he knows that. He says its purely platonic and she is a good friend. He sees her more than me as he works long hours and so I don?t really think its necessary for him to spend 60-70 hours a week working with her and his days off constantly speaking to her.

Anyway, she is leaving their work, and her last day is today. He let slip by accident this morning that he bought her a necklace as a leaving present a few days ago but went behind my back in doing so by hiding it from me. He is not very good at buying presents and I always have to chose my own presents as he says he cant pick anything for me ? yet he has gone out, and bought a ?friend? a piece of jewellery, which I think is a very personal gift to buy a friend, and not really an approriate present to buy a girl, especially when you have a girlfriend.

We have been together 4 years tomorrow, and usually buy each other a present ? the other day he suggested we leave presents this year as we are too skint ? yet he has gone out and bought this girl a necklace.

He has also spent most of this morning going out of his way to drive to work to get staff phone numbers to ring around and try to organise a preent for her from everyone else as well, which he will also be contributing towards.

He is justifying it by saying she is a special friend and he wanted to get hre seomthing special. He doesn?t think its inappropriate to buy her jewellery, and for that he is not sorry, but he is sorry for upsetting me as he didn?t mean to upset me and he is sorry for going behind my back about it but he knew I would ?overreact? and be angry which is why he thought it best not to tell me.

He has sworn on DD?s life that nothing has ever happened between them and that he doesn?t like her in that way. I believe him on that, but I just feel so decieved ? am I being stupid? I cant get it out of my head, and I want to forget about it, but I feel like he has cheated on me in some way by doing this ? I mean I just don?t hink its normal to buy a piece of jewellery for someone unless its your girlfriend, and it seems as though he has put a lot of thought and effort into it, which is really unlike him!

We have been having a lot of arguments lately, since dd was born (7 months) and neither of us have been very happy ? I don?t know what to do about this, and had suggested to him that maybe we wrote down what is bothering us and discussed each others problems, but he said that was ridiculous and walked away ? he says he wants us to sort things out, but laughs when I suggest a way to, and then goes out of his way to please anothr girl? What is going on and what can I do?! We had a whole day out together planned tomorrow and a nice meal out, I was really looking forward to us trying to put our problems behind us and start afresh for another year.

I am so upset, I cant think straight.

Sorry this is so long!!

Just chatted to dh about this. His only question was was it an expensive necklace? If yes he thinks it's dodgy.If not he thinks it's OK. Seems like a pretty male point of view to me but men don't always see the significance that women do in symbolic gestures (jewellery etc). Perhaps your dp just isn't very imaginative about the significance of giving something like this?

Fairycakes I would be very wary about this situation if I were you, mainly because this exact thing happened to my friend a few years ago - her husband met a girl at his work, they got on famously (were good mates for a long time), they used to chat constantly on the phone etc etc, and my friend even became friends with this girl and they socialised as couples on the weekends. Her dh always swore that they were great friends and nothing else - both he and the girl said they definitely weren't attracted to each other.

Well - several years down the track, they are now married. My friend's dh left her (and their two children) and got together with this woman after she conveniently split with her husband. The other woman had 3 kids & my friend has 2, so there are 5 kids involved as well. After moving in together they eventually got married, and have been together ever since. (I hear it's quite a volatile relationship, but they are still together). My friend was completely shocked as both of them swore black and blue that there was NOTHING going on. She was devastated and even though she's moved on, she's still on her own with two kids.

So I would just be very wary about the whole thing - to be quite honest, I think he's gone a bit too far with buying her a necklace (as well as organising a group present), and I'm afraid I don't agree with Dahlia either - I think it's extremely common for things to go downhill between a couple after a baby is born. There's a lot of extra stress & tiredness involved - not to mention a big lifestyle change - which sometimes takes a while to come to terms with. Is it absolutely necessary for you to be working at the moment..? Just wondering if it's actually making things worse, as far as not seeing each other much and arguing over housework, etc.

Dior - He gave her the necklace yesterday (before I found out) so no chance of him returning it - and out of principle, i know he wouldnt anyway if i asked him too.

Morning Paper - he did hide it from me, I only found out by accident as he is not a very good liar - but it seems that he bought it 2 weeks ago, he went shopping while i was at work (i can never get him to go shopping, so is quite unusual) and every day when i have got in from work, i sak him what he has done, and everyday for the last few weeks it has always been "nothing, just stayed in watching telly" so he blatently lied to me about it.

The thing is, I nearly did find the reciept, I saw a jewellers reciept last night, but didnt look as thought maybe he had bought me something for anniversary after all. I am glad i didnt as i would have been expecting a present i the morning, and even more hurt when discovered I hadnt got one.

Perhaps if he had said to me "I want to buy her a leaving present, what should i get her" or asked me to help him choose, I wouldnt feel like this, and although I woulndnt have been too chuffed about him spending money on her, i wouldnt have been annoyed about it, and at least it woulndt hvae been behind my back.

Shimmy21 - it cost £30 - so not expensive, but we are only 22 and really struggling financially at the moment, so every penny counts, so in a way it was a lot to spend.

I must add by the way that i am very highly strung, and i think that has a lot to do with the arguments, I do take full responsibility for my part in the arguments we have, I know its not just me, however he is never willing to take any blame at all.

And as for the sex......well we have hardly done it at all since dd was born, about 3/4 times i think - i know thats not abnormal, however i am wondering if this is adding to the problem of the relationship. I just dont want to do it, i have absolutely no desire for sex whatsoever since giving birth - and i have no self esteem at all, i dont know why he would want to sleep with me, especailly how fat i am after having my baba.

Lethal, yeah i really need to work, i wish i didnt but we cant meet any payments at all if I dont - dd wasnt planned and we took on lots of financial responsibilities before discovering we were expecting unfortunately.

Shimmy21 - just to respond to your comment about what your dh said, that men don't always see the significance that women do in symbolic gestures - i & Perhaps dp just isn't very imaginative about the significance of giving something like this - i actually think that is very true in this case, well i hope anyway, but i do think - like i said earlier, he isnt very thoughtful sometimes and i think he just thought she would like a necklace so he would buy her one - he is really crap at choosing presents, so i am wondering if erhaps she mentioned she wanted a necklace - as when he is looking for ideas from me, he takes things like that literally someimes.

Oh poor you. You sound miserable. Yes I do think that 30 quid is a bit OTT. I'd be really pissed off about that if I was you. It sounds as though you're really having a rough time at the moment. The sex problems sound so normal -look back at some of the threads about it - I dont think anyone on Mumsnet actually ever does it (why we've got so much time to post on it all day!)
Could you try a different tack with your dp and say look this has really upset me and made me realise that we need to work together on the things that are going wrong on our relationship? Can you get some childfree time together at all and see if you can try to chill a bit together? Not helpful I know but you are coping with what so many other people are going through too.

well, i got a present after all this morning - a dvd!! hardly inthe same league as a necklace - plus he bought it yesterday AFTER i found out about it, so as an afterthought really, suppose it could have been worse and been anothre necklace........!

I would be more than livid if I were you. I work in a jewellery store and I know how much time and effort it takes men to choose something. They come in looking lost and don't have a clue what they are looking for and can take a long time choosing. I would do some snooping if I were you because it does not seem right. I have never had a male customer who comes in buying something for someone who isn't his wife, girlfriend or relative.

Whilst I can understand him having a 'friendship' with this woman, i think that constantly been in touch with her and buying her a present has crossed the line.

I have 3 very close male friends, all of whom would be there for me if I needed them, 1 is married and the other two are single. But, in the years that i have been married they have all taken a back seat and we haven't spent as much time together or on the phone and they understand that, we sometimes don't speak for months but are still close.

If I were you, i would sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms how you are feeling and why you think he is totally out of order.

fairycakes I would be really gutted too. It just doesn't smell right to me. My dh got a little close with a female colleague but I've nipped it in the bud. That might make my horribly 20th century and backwards looking, but I'm old fashioned, I want him texting me not her, and I'd definitely want him buying me presents not his work colleague. I take my hat off to anyone who could be cool about it, but I know my limits and my dh reached it. There's no point going alone with something you know will make you miserable. If you can't put up with their friendship tell him straight.

Defo out of order - v. suspicious to me!
What's happening now she's left?
Are they going to meet up for 'coffee'??
I'd make my feelings v. clear. Her or you!
There should be no reason to keep in contact now - so should be an easy choice for him to make??

Fairycakes, I too would be livid. But i think i'd be more hurt and so so upset rather than angry. This has made me angry reading your posts, i would be angry at the 'other woman' too, after all, she knows your boyfriend has you and a child!!!!!!!! A necklace is quite a personal gift isn't it? I have had friends who i have worked with, and been close to, but would just put my name on their leaving card and give a donation towardstheir gift. I think your boyfriens has went waaayy OTT here. I hope you learn to confront him, or he could spend a long time leading you a merry dance and end up walking away anyway.

IMO....

Totally out of order. tbh - and I'm a jealous person here so beware! - I don't think I'd forgive dp for doing something like that. But then if dp was going to, he'd hide it from me as he knows exactly what I'm like - and that would blatantly then be because he liked this person a little too much. Am I making sense?

Basically in my household if we bought a gift for someone without consulting each other, it would be suspicious grounds, and neither of us would take 'a special friend' as a good enough reason. How f**ing special can they get?

Message withdrawn

i have confronted him over it a few times since it happend, and he really doens thtink he has done anything wrong. i dont think he realises the significance, but i am still totally livid about it and the more i think about i the more i dont think i will ever forgive him. but i really dont want us to split up, i really dont know what to do, but he just wont accept he has done anything wrong other than upset me, which he sys he is sorry for and he sholdnt have gone behind my back about it, but he doesnt see anything wrong with buying her a present. but i do....

I suspect he was infatuated with her, and maybe more by what she represented - freedom, youth, no responsibilities etc etc - which is stuff that lots of us miss when we have kids, even when they are planned and we don't have lunatic working hours. That's not to say it is Ok or I wouldn't have been cut to the bone by it just as you were. I would have been devastated.
But I agree with all those who say that you have to change your lives. YOu cannot go on snatching five hours max of sleep, or never seeing each other. I don't think any relationship - esp one that is struggling to cope with the financial and emotional implications of an unexpected (no matter how loved) baby. Childcare really isn't the worst thing in the world.