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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i overreacting, please help!

66 replies

fairycakes · 31/03/2005 19:50

Please can someone tell me if I am over reacting or give me some advice? Sorry its so long.

DP is friends with a girl he works with ? she is always texting and ringing him (and he probably does the same back) which I am not very comfortable with, and he knows that. He says its purely platonic and she is a good friend. He sees her more than me as he works long hours and so I don?t really think its necessary for him to spend 60-70 hours a week working with her and his days off constantly speaking to her.

Anyway, she is leaving their work, and her last day is today. He let slip by accident this morning that he bought her a necklace as a leaving present a few days ago but went behind my back in doing so by hiding it from me. He is not very good at buying presents and I always have to chose my own presents as he says he cant pick anything for me ? yet he has gone out, and bought a ?friend? a piece of jewellery, which I think is a very personal gift to buy a friend, and not really an approriate present to buy a girl, especially when you have a girlfriend.

We have been together 4 years tomorrow, and usually buy each other a present ? the other day he suggested we leave presents this year as we are too skint ? yet he has gone out and bought this girl a necklace.

He has also spent most of this morning going out of his way to drive to work to get staff phone numbers to ring around and try to organise a preent for her from everyone else as well, which he will also be contributing towards.

He is justifying it by saying she is a special friend and he wanted to get hre seomthing special. He doesn?t think its inappropriate to buy her jewellery, and for that he is not sorry, but he is sorry for upsetting me as he didn?t mean to upset me and he is sorry for going behind my back about it but he knew I would ?overreact? and be angry which is why he thought it best not to tell me.

He has sworn on DD?s life that nothing has ever happened between them and that he doesn?t like her in that way. I believe him on that, but I just feel so decieved ? am I being stupid? I cant get it out of my head, and I want to forget about it, but I feel like he has cheated on me in some way by doing this ? I mean I just don?t hink its normal to buy a piece of jewellery for someone unless its your girlfriend, and it seems as though he has put a lot of thought and effort into it, which is really unlike him!

We have been having a lot of arguments lately, since dd was born (7 months) and neither of us have been very happy ? I don?t know what to do about this, and had suggested to him that maybe we wrote down what is bothering us and discussed each others problems, but he said that was ridiculous and walked away ? he says he wants us to sort things out, but laughs when I suggest a way to, and then goes out of his way to please anothr girl? What is going on and what can I do?! We had a whole day out together planned tomorrow and a nice meal out, I was really looking forward to us trying to put our problems behind us and start afresh for another year.

I am so upset, I cant think straight.

Sorry this is so long!!

OP posts:

Dahlia · 31/03/2005 20:39

Fairycakes, its NOT completely normal not to get on at all after having a baby. Its supposed to bring you even closer together, and although its hard work, and everything is more difficult, tiring, stressful, etc, and money is much more tight, your relationship should be able to withstand all that if you really love each other. DO you really love him? From everything you've said, it doesn't sound like you do. Sorry, I don't want to upset you, but I just think you sound so down.

Original poster

fairycakes · 31/03/2005 20:42

sometimes i wonder - but the way i felt today after i found this out, i realised i do as i would not feel so upset if i didnt love him, i would probably have been relieved to find a way out or something. i do love him - i just want us to be happy together again.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 31/03/2005 20:44

Hmm, sorry, this sounds horrible. My honest first reaction to this buying a necklace for her is suspect, I'd be suspicious tbh.

Dahlia · 31/03/2005 20:46

Wish I could wave a magic wand for you.....
Hope you can sort it out. x

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 20:47

Going to rock the boat here but personally I wouldn't find this the worst thing in the world. DH has always had close personal female friends that he has close relationships with, and I have a few close male friends that I would buy gifts for and send 'intimate' messages to. If it was an 'escalating' problem and there were other things you were worried about (e.g. if they met up all the time but you were never allowed to meet with them etc) then perhaps I would worry in your situation, but it is possible that he has a platonic and intimate friendship with this woman that hasn't and won't go any further. She is also leaving work so will be out of the picture from now on.

I have bought my best (male) friend a silver ring - because I love him to bits. There's no sexual undercurrent there though!

The other issues re. relationship problems are obviously ones you need to deal with - but on this one issue, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

P.S. People saying 'max out his credit card' - what is this, 1950? We take revenge on men financially? I just don't get it.

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 20:49

If he was hiding anything, I really think he wouldn't be on the phone to her all the time when you can hear it, and he would have taken care not to tell you about the necklace. It's not like you found a hidden receipt or anything - he obviously doesn't feel dreadful about anything.

kelli22 · 31/03/2005 20:51

morning paper, i have to disagree, if like your man FC's bloke had always been like this then i would say similar but FC said this is out of character for him and not just that but he actually bought something for this girl and hid it from FC and also suggested not buying each other anything for their anniversary because they were skint - wudnt u be upset if ur dp bought something for someone else but not you? would be different if he had bought her a little something but something wonderful for FC.......

Dior · 31/03/2005 20:52

Message withdrawn

Dahlia · 31/03/2005 20:57

Dior, strained yes, not to get on at all, as fairycakes said, no. Me and my dh were definitely closer after the birth of dd1, and I would say most other people I know are the same. Everyone is different I guess.

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 20:59

I agree, Dior re. baby and relationship unheaval. The expression "Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage" is often quoted for good reason!

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 21:00

I'm the only one of all my parent friends who admits that we get on better (and have better sex) post-baby than beforehand! I think it's actually quite unusual and you are very Dahlia.

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 21:01

very LUCKY Dahlia!

Dior · 31/03/2005 21:12

Message withdrawn

MeerkatsUnite · 31/03/2005 21:19

I think he was wrong also to buy a necklace for a colleague but think this problem is actually symptomatic of wider issues that need addressing if you want to stay together.

For starters you're both working graveyard shifts and barely see each other. That needs to change for both your sakes. Can neither of you really change your hours of working?. Something is going to give her and the way its going your relationship could fail unless changes are made by both of you.

He needs to start communicating effectively and you also need to address your jealousy issues - jealousy and lack of self esteem are linked.

Have you thought about visiting Relate either yourself or as a couple?. It is not normal to not get on after having a baby.

I wish you well and hope you can both get past this.

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 21:21

"Having a first child is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage." Norah Ephron

Dahlia · 31/03/2005 21:23

Yes, I'm lucky! Maybe its something in the water round here. But I honestly can't think of anyone who's had problems. You sound like you're doing ok morning paper re the better sex.

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 21:23

Dior · 31/03/2005 21:24

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 21:24

Now we're just showing off...

Dior · 31/03/2005 21:25

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 21:25

(sorry fairycakes)

Dior · 31/03/2005 21:26

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 31/03/2005 21:26

Happiest most stable couple I know say freely that the only time they've come close to divorce was during the first six months of their two children's lives.

V envious re the better sex. How, ahem, do you find the time and the energy?

morningpaper · 31/03/2005 21:27

ah that's a whole different thread...

ChicPea · 31/03/2005 21:33

Haven't read all the thread as in a hurry but it sounds to me that your DP is enjoying the attention from this other girl. Your baby is 7mths old (congratulation BTW) and relationship would have changed. You now have less time for your DP as you have a baby to care for and some men cannot cope with this and seek attention elsewhere even if it is platonic.

I would make a special effort to give him a lot of attention, make yourself look gorgeous at all times and feel in control. If he mentions her again, tell him you would like to meet her and when can he arrange something? Of course you are not really interested but look as though you are shrugging the whole thing off and that you are really secure.

As for the jewellery and being skint so you two are not exchanging presents, it does sound to me that he feels grateful for something...maybe an ear to listen to him?

But please don't worry, work on seducing him and making him feel impatient to get home to you.

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