I know he's in the wrong but am I allowed to feel sorry for him.

[OrmIrian]

Friends are going through a bad patch in their marriage. No-one else knew why until just before Christmas. Turns out he had been having an affair for 6 months. She found out. Affair has been knocked on the head. We had a long chat about it all over New Year and she is 100% confident that it's all over. It's completely out of character for him, he's a real rock, a reliable decent family man. Everyone has been very shocked.

However I am beginning to start to feel sorry for the poor bugger . He is doing his best to pretend that all is well but he has told DH that he's really missing the OW. He knows he's done the right thing and doesn't regret it at all but he is still hurting. She takes every opportunity to have a dig at him and tells him off if he looks less than ecstatic about life. She even had a go at my DH for talking alone to him - as if she wants everyone on her side even though we are trying hard not to take sides.

I know she has the right to be angry, but doesn't he have the right to his emotions too. I can't say anything to her, I know that, but would it be OK to let him know that I feel for him too?. Is there anything I can say or do to help them? They are both my friends and it's all so bloody horrible and sad atm.

OrmIrian, if he's pining for the OW then his wife is going to suspicious and irrational. She will be acutely aware that he hasn't thrown himself at her feet and begged for her forgiveness. There's probably a grudging element to his behaviour and communication with her. Whatever you do, don't judge her behaviour right now as she's dealing with very trying circumstances without any experience.

On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for him. Hard as it is for his wife to bear, he is hurting and probably feeling ashamed as well as conflicted. Having sympathetic friends will be very important to him, and to them as a couple. The only thing to watch for would be if he translated that sympathy into a belief that you also felt approval and might be willing to indulge, or even help facilitate, any further lapses.

Suspend judgement and apply common sense - that was what the friends who helped us the most did. Those who took too hard a line only made it harder.

Thanks.

He has gone . DH found out last night but knows nothing more.

macdoodel - btw I am sorry that you felt got at. I certainly didn't mean to imply in any way that my friend deserved her DH's infidelity.

He's left/gone back to the OW?

It is horrible for you Orm when it all happens - I remember how shocked I felt when this happened with our friends as we were a close foursome. That has been eclipsed somewhat since then by my anger with him. But when it first blew up me and DP were in tears. It's painful for everyone.

dittany - I am not siding with him, as I mentioned. I can totally understand why she feels so hurt and betrayed. But as he is also my friend I felt for him too. I don't understand why screwing up means he is then beyond the pale.

Don't know snowleopard. From what I gathered he has gone to his DB's house but what is going to happen I don't know.

Oh forget it Dittany.

I can see that things are just black and white in your world.

FWIW I am devestated at this. And I don't know what to do. My friends are tearing each other apart, not to mention what it's doing to DC that I love very dearly. Clearly I should just stay away if I am being so bloody unfair to her.

Orm, if you can, be there for her and the DC if it's welcome - and look after yourself too. And talk it over with your DH just to air your own feelings.

OrmIram, FWIW, I don't get the impression that yuo are taking sides. I get the impression that you are a caring friend who loves both her friends and wants to work out how best to support them so that they can get through this.

Whether or not the end result is that they remain together is up to them.

But you can (and seems are) be there for support for both of them as and when they need it.

The bottom line is that they are both human beings and are both suffering.

And you are friends with them both.

The relationship is between them and neither should expect you to take their side. Sympathy and where needed, a listening ear and help with their feelings - I'd suggest maybe you taking on the woman while DH takes on the man, mostly anyway.

You can't sort it out for them even if you did take sides. They have to make the decisions and you can only support them both separately.

I'm sorry it's happened. You sound like a good friend.

Thankyou. I really am trying to do my best. But it's very hard.

Thanks to everyone who offered support and advice but I am signing off this thread now. Feel a bit ashamed to have started it TBH. It's not my marriage and it's not my business to post it on here. I will just let it be known that I'm here if I'm needed.

Don't be ashamed. You started the thread with the best of intentions: how best to support your friends.