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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I find it astonishing..

35 replies

nearlyfree · 12/01/2009 01:13

I really do find it astonishing that, although my ex moved out in June last year, I?m not legally allowed to change the locks...He can walk in and out as and when he wants...stay for hours, when I?m not there, using facilities he makes no contribution towards...takes stuff from the house without asking or even mentioning it to me...And I can't do a damn thing about it! All because his name is still on the deeds ...Bare in mind this man is now not working and although was offered a job paying 17k PA, refused it because it would mean him having a daily 40mile round trip! He would rather stay on his £57 a week benefits...cos of course that means he doesn?t have to give me anything...

OP posts:
Mum2OJ · 12/01/2009 01:16

I changed the locks when i kicked XP out!

But he was violent and it was advised by the police [who were involved]

Original poster
nearlyfree · 12/01/2009 01:18

hes never been violent, just a control freak, and what a surprise...he still is...

OP posts:
Mum2OJ · 12/01/2009 01:19

Can you not have him taken off the deeds?

Original poster
nearlyfree · 12/01/2009 01:23

oh that would be too easy hes 'taking' me for every penny...his words not mine...hes demanding 137k which there is no way on earth i can afford to give him but he wont settle for less...we are suppose to be in mediation but his demands are so rediculous i despair of it ever gettin sorted out

OP posts:
Tortington · 12/01/2009 01:25

well i wouldn't let that happen.

i dont care what the law says.

i would put leave the key in the front door

leave by the back door and add an extra lock.

if it was ever contested - i would lie.

i think i would lie all round actually - i would lose my keys or be burgled - but one wayor another - it wouldnt happen.

and on 57 a week - he can't go around busting locks open - and paying for them - especially when he has a set of keys - that dont happen to work

Mum2OJ · 12/01/2009 01:25

What does he want that from?

Do you have children together?

Mum2OJ · 12/01/2009 01:28

(just clicked that its not a rented house )

bigeyes · 12/01/2009 01:29

OMG nearly - tis doesnt sound right - surely you have some redress in law. Change the locks, can you not get a restrain order? Sorry dont now what grounds you need but surely this is causing you emotional distress. If you seperate, you seperate surely. sorry dont know specifics.

Bump your thread tomorrow cos I am sure there are Mnetters on here who know a lot more - what does your solcitor say? this just doesnt sound right.

Original poster
nearlyfree · 12/01/2009 01:33

Well I tried that! I actually changed the locks. And it worked till he tried to use them and realised what I had done. I then got a letter via my solicitor from his (I have to pay, he gets legal aid) telling me that if I did not give him access to the property he would be coming with a police escort. I couldn?t risk that happening in front of my kids so my brother changed the lock back to the original one...

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyfree · 12/01/2009 01:34

my solicitor told me that by law i couldn't

OP posts:
Mum2OJ · 12/01/2009 01:38

Is he coming around often?

If he is hassling you get a restraining order, its the only thing i can think of.

bigeyes · 12/01/2009 01:40

I cant believe this, not been in you position but I am sure I read a thread in here recently about access to property under these circumstances something about the childrens act. Please keep posting to get better answers than this. Have you pushed your solicitor enough?

Sounds really shitty this situation it would do my head in, hope he is ok around kids - do you think he wants to come back?

Tortington · 12/01/2009 01:43

couldn't you say he was mistaken?

if he comes round nd cant get access via the front door becuse you left your key in, can't you say you were in bed, in the bath? tending to the one footed budgie in the back room and couldn't her the door?

you need two locks. so in theory he could have access in practice he doesn't

this can't be right - i hope someone comes along with a true legal challange

quite frankly i would get a restraining order - i wouldn't play by these rules - not at all.

i would alledge that i was scared, i would get the police to give me a panic button - i would do everything in my power to make sure that the house was mine and mine alone.

the man could let himself in and watch you sleep. or shower.

Original poster
nearlyfree · 12/01/2009 01:45

He only comes when I?m not here (un)fortunately...picks the kids up after I left for work and then just stays here all day till I come in from work...but it means that I have no privacy all my stuff about the divorce etc is here I have to carry it around in the boot of the car now just so he cant get his hands on it...I pointed out to the sols that if I was renting the property of him he couldn?t just come and go like this he would have to at least give me notice when he was coming but unfortunately this is different...I just cant stop him and I feel completely powerless its driving me crazy...

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyfree · 12/01/2009 01:50

BigEyes I had to get the mediator to tell him to stop ranting about our situation to our 14 year old and to stop discussing it with his friends and family in front of her. She was getting so upset about it?I can?t talk to him?he wouldn?t believe me if I told him but thank goodness he seems to have stopped doing that at least for the moment...

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 12/01/2009 02:48

Custardo has some good points I think. I would lie my head off to get out of the situation.

I can't believe that he can access the house like that. It's ridiculous.

brightwell · 12/01/2009 06:09

My ex used to go into my home after he'd left, when he knew I was away. He took paperwork, my visa bills. I ended up bolting the front door and using the garage door as I knew he didn't have a key to that.

Tortington · 12/01/2009 09:15

morning bump for people with proper advice ( which clearly isn't me!)

i find it astonishing too

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/01/2009 09:20

a bolt is a good idea. i doubt they can make you remove a bolt in the same way - you haven't changed the locks so...that depends on having a back door of course.

Penthesileia · 12/01/2009 09:21

Could you install a chain lock as well? That way, his key still works, but he can't get the door fully open? I doubt the police would just come round and act as a door-opening service for him, TBH: they have better things to do.

But I have no experience of this, so I hope someone comes along with more secure advice.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 12/01/2009 09:30

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 12/01/2009 09:31

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lou33 · 12/01/2009 09:49

i am not sure if it applies to you, but i have been having issues with my exh and he threatened to turn up with the police to remove his stuff

i ended up reporting him for harassment, and the police told me that they dont provide escorts unless the person removing property is at serious harm from the person they are collecting from

she said they have better things to do than babysit civil disputes, and laughed at the thought my exh could just turn up with an escort just like that, with no reasonable grounds for one

bigeyes · 12/01/2009 10:05

Nearlyfree, I agree with some of the other posts and see lou33 above - get flexible with security arrangements and claim harrassment, I think its grounds enough that he upset your 14yr old and its got to enough to post on here.

Are you getting the best from solicitor, ask around about others, are you allowed to change at this stage?

KerryMumbles · 12/01/2009 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.