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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Quick, please help! Need to know what to say before ex brings dc home.

46 replies

mampam · 11/01/2009 17:30

Dc's are at their fathers this weekend, due back in an hour. I just need some quick advice. Had a text from dd yesterday saying that she was texting from her new mobile phone. DD is 9 years old and I do not agree with her having a mobile at this age. In fact dd and I only had a conversation about it two weeks ago and we agreed that she could have one when she starts secondary school.
It has really pissed me off that ex has gone and bought her one for these reasons
a) I feel he should have discussed it with me first and know that he didn't because he knew it would piss me off (him and his wife do everything in their power to try and put my nose out of joint. I usually ignore it but not this time.)
b) It's just been Christmas and feel that an extra gift like this is just a point scoring exercise.
c) For dd to receive this kind of gift is not fair on ds 5.

Any suggestions on how I handle this when he drops them back in a bit?

OP posts:

waspriceyp · 11/01/2009 17:33

Maybe get him to one side and quietly agree terms on usage of the phone together then present them to DD as a unit.

It's done now and it would be very hard to take the phone off her, but you could cobble some ground rules together?

Does that sound ok?

artichokes · 11/01/2009 17:35

I wouldn't tackle it at drop-off.
You eill end up fighting in front of the kids and your dd may well blame herself.
Call him, or e-mail him, once your kids are asleep.

Earlybird · 11/01/2009 17:36

No idea, and what a tough one.

Would it be completely out of the question to put the phone away, and let dd use it only when she is with your ex? Especially as your dd knows you agreed something completely different just two weeks ago.

You can't control your ex - clearly he isn't interested in cooperative parenting with you and discussing the phone with him would probably be a waste of time - but you can control what happens with dd when she's with you.

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 17:37

Oh dear.
Could you possibly say that you and DD have discussed having a mobile and "agreed" (well, you agreed, she probably didn't ) that she could have one when she goes to secondary school, and so ex-p needs to keep the phone at his because at yours she will not be allowed to use it?
If he objects, could you just calmly say "my house, my rules, and this is what we agreed on - you can obviously do what you like at your you arse".
And could you ask him if he got DS something special, and if not, was he planning on it, because you know that of course he wouldn't want to be unfair to his son (and keep whatever it is at his house, as well)?

He sounds like a prize fuckwit, IMO. Poor you.
Good luck!

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 17:37

earlybird - x-post

Earlybird · 11/01/2009 17:39

We're on the same wavelength jacksmama!

Original poster

mampam · 11/01/2009 17:46

I know that now she has got the phone that it can't be taken away from her cos I'd look like the big bad wolf then. I just want him to know that he can't take it upon himself to make decisions like that without consulting me first.

And yes he is a fuckwit but he's been like this since we split up over 4 years ago so he's not gonna change now. It just gets very emotionally draining at times.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 11/01/2009 17:53

What's wrong with looking like the big bad wolf when you are her parent? The time to address this is NOW, as you won't be able to later.

Don't you think that ignoring/allowing it teaches your dd that your ex has no respect for your house/your rules? Would it also contribute to teaching your dd to play one parent off against the other to divide and conquer and get what she wants?

Earlybird · 11/01/2009 17:57

Thinking further - his actions have completely undermined your authority with dd. But, excited as she is to have what she wanted (the phone), she knows you don't approve and wouldn't have agreed to it.

In my book, nothing wrong with 'use it only when you're at his'.

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 17:58

(Let's see if earlybird agrees with me again )

I do think that you can take the phone away from her and leave it at the fuckwit's ex-h's. She lives with you, you make the rules at your house. At 9 years old she is old enough to understand that you had a discussion about a mobile, you came to an understanding (if not necessarily an agreement ), and she must obviously have mentioned getting a mobile to her father... unless I'm way off base here, it sounds like she bears some responsibility for the situation. Would ex-h have come up with buying her a mobile on his own, do you think? (I am really genuinely asking.) If he did, I apologize to your DD. If not, then she needs to understand that her actions have consequences and she cannot have a mobile at yours.

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 17:59

LOL early!! Are you my long-lost sister???

Original poster

mampam · 11/01/2009 17:59

dd doesn't need to try and play me off against her father cos he can does that voluntarily all by himself.

I am going to let him know that I'm not happy about this mobile phone but by taking it away from her is playing right into ex/wife's hands. It's hard to explain but exh his wife is very good at making me look bad to the kids and is very good at brainwashing getting them around to their way of thinking.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 11/01/2009 18:00

Yup Jacksmama - great minds, and all that...!

NAB3lovelychildren · 11/01/2009 18:00

I'm afraid I would take the phone off her. I know she will be upset and it isn't her fault but I would refuse to be bullied into agreeing to something because someone else wanted to point score.

Earlybird · 11/01/2009 18:03

It's not about looking bad. It is about teaching your dd respect for you and your position on things. You are in charge of what happens in your house - unless you give in to ex's mindgames.

It may be uncomfortable, and people are sure to whinge and backstab. But I bet in the long run you will have made your point.

Over to you, Jacksmum....!

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 18:03

Oh dear.
for you.

[out of ideas emoticon]

Original poster

mampam · 11/01/2009 18:13

Yes letting her only use it at her dad's is the best way forward. There's no way I'm putting credit on it anyway, thats if she ever uses any credit because I can't think at 9 years old who she would have to text/phone anyway.

Yes dd will probably have mentioned that she's allowed a mobile when she goes to secondary school and i've no doubt that her father stepmother will have hatched the plan there and then.

The sad thing is that this has all been done because we were invited to ex's fathers wedding at that beginning of this month and ex and his wife weren't. They don't get on (ex's fault) and I know we were invited cos exFIL wanted his grandchildren there. So we're being punished just like we were when I got married to dh because we invited ex's family and they all came because I still get on very well with them. Ex was meant to be looking after kids for a couple of nights after wedding so dh and i could have some time on our own in hotel afterwards but we were called back early because ds was "really ill" only to get back and find nothing wrong with him. It had been done just to ruin our break in the hotel.

OP posts:

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 18:13

Bumping for you.

Original poster

mampam · 11/01/2009 18:18

I know I should probably stand up to him more and not let him bully me but to be truthful I'm petrified of him. They've bullied me so much in the past it's just been easier to say silent about things in the hope that by not giving them the satisfaction of rising to it that this would deter them but it hasn't. I'm sat here shaking now because I Know there's going to be a confrontation.

OP posts:

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 18:19

He sounds like such an arse.

Could you take the mobile from DD and hand it to ex-h and say calmly, "I'm sure you'll want to take this home with you to keep for DD when she's at yours because no doubt you know that she and I have agreed she can't have a mobile until secondary school" and just stick to that?
If he throws a strop, I'd just stick to "this is the understanding DD and I came to, of course you may do what you like at yours" and just not get into a barney with him. In the end you could terminate the discussion by saying "I disagree with your actions, and will enforce my rules in my house, and I'm not discussing this further" ?

Good luck!

Original poster

mampam · 11/01/2009 18:20

Anymore suggestions I've got 10 minutes!!

OP posts:

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 18:20

Why are you petrified? [concerned]
Has he physically hurt you or has it been emotional bullying?

Earlybird · 11/01/2009 18:21

There doesn't need to be a confrontation. Let him drop dd off, and then discuss the phone issue with her once he's gone. You can then put the phone aside, and let her have it whenever she is going to his.

No reason to engage/argue with him, as far as I can see.

Jacksmama · 11/01/2009 18:21

BUMP!!!

Coldtits · 11/01/2009 18:21

Make her solely resonsible for it - it will be gone in a month.

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