Quick, please help! Need to know what to say before ex brings dc home.

[mampam]

Dc's are at their fathers this weekend, due back in an hour. I just need some quick advice. Had a text from dd yesterday saying that she was texting from her new mobile phone. DD is 9 years old and I do not agree with her having a mobile at this age. In fact dd and I only had a conversation about it two weeks ago and we agreed that she could have one when she starts secondary school.
It has really pissed me off that ex has gone and bought her one for these reasons
a) I feel he should have discussed it with me first and know that he didn't because he knew it would piss me off (him and his wife do everything in their power to try and put my nose out of joint. I usually ignore it but not this time.)
b) It's just been Christmas and feel that an extra gift like this is just a point scoring exercise.
c) For dd to receive this kind of gift is not fair on ds 5.

Any suggestions on how I handle this when he drops them back in a bit?

Just emotional bullying

Do not engage with him - even if he tries to provoke you. Just get dd inside the house, the door shut, and have the phone conversation with her later tonight or tomorrow.

Coldtits thats a good idea. dd does have a tendancy to lose things when she takes them out anywhere. He'd just go and buy her another one though.

I still want to let him know that I'm not happy about it, that he should've discussed with me first.

To be honest when he knows he has pissed me off he tends to hide for a couple of weeks. I bet it won't even be him that brings dc's back it will be her.

Go with jacksmama's, honestly, it's the only way. Calm, pleasant, no drama. Just ask dd for the phone at the door and hand it straight to him.

If you lie down and roll over for a quiet life, it doesn't placate anyone, they tend to just crank up the pisstaking a notch- I have been there!

Good luck

Why? He knows that already, I'm sure, and is baiting you. He clearly doesn't care what you think/want, so quit trying to communicate with him. It might give him some perverse pleasure to know he's riled you.

I'll repeat - do not engage. Engaging is what keeps the conflict going.

Is there any point to that, though? I mean, he must know that this is not something he should have done without consulting you and IMO, telling him will only reinforce that he scored a point off you.
Perhaps more effective to not mention it to him - based on what you wrote I'm now thinking it might actually score a point off him if you say nothing because he'll expect that you will - and simply take the phone away from DD and give it to her to take to his when she goes... that way he'd be forced to raise the issue of you taking the phone from DD with you, which puts him i the weaker position...

I am normally not in favour of mind games but he sounds horrible and like he deserves to have his head messed with for a change.
Earlybird? Your turn.

Ha early!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFL!!!!

Jackbaby is sleep-nursing on my lap so I'm typing one-handed which is why my posts take so long to show up...

If you make a point of expressing unhappiness and take phone off dd in front of him - and insist they take it back to their house because you don't approve/won't allow......well, that is a recipe for maximum drama, imo.

Open the door, say hello, let dd come in, say goodbye, shut the door and talk to dd about the phone later tonight or tomorrow. Explain to her why it must be put away until she is next with him. End of story, and no huge family showdown.

Mampam - you've got two very wise M'netters telling you almost exactly the same thing!

Well, we're either very wise, or how does that saying go... "fools seldom differ"??

But I do agree that minimizing drama is a good idea... all the more so if he is primed for drama... it's always a nice feeling to disappoint buttheads people lie him!

Well he is her father and might just have a different view of whether a mobile phone at 9yo is appropriate or not. He doesn't have to concur with your views.

I believe that a lot of parents who do not live with their children full time, find it easier to communicate with their children via mobile phone when tehy are not around, rather than have to call on the land line and have to talk to their exs. Perhaps this is why he would like her to have one?

In any event, you do not need to put credit on the phone, although if your DD is finding it a good way of staying in touch then you should allow her the choice of spending her pocket money on it. Otherwise, it is up to him to keep topping it up. I would also say that she should not take it to school with her, if you don't want her to. I would not restrict her use of it otherwise though, provided that she has credit on it!

Yep, changed my mind- those two are right

"it's not a new phone it's one we had kicking about and had a spare sim card for" When I asked him who she was going to text/ phone "well me and wife and wife's niece". When I said that I had had conversation with dd and said not til she was at secondary school "sorry didn't realise that and I didn't think to ask" no of course he fucking didn't.

Definitely point scoring, ds has been bought a new game for wii which is kept at their fathers house (dc's got wii as a joint christmas present.) and I was right about who hatched the plan in the first place cos stepmum gave her the phone and I asked dd who will be buying the credit and she said stepmum. Cow

I agree with soapbox, just because one parent doesn't think something is right, the other one still has a right to make decisions also, no one has the right to veto

Could it have been an old phone they have given her? May not be a new one

And if the dicussion took place between you and your daughter, he wasn't to know as I doubt your daughter would have piped up mum said no

Let her have it at his and never top up for her, let him

ok see that it was an old one

soapbox, their father never ever phones them and hasn't done for the last 4 years so I can't imagine why he would want to suddenly start. And anyway dc's are 9 and 5, its not up to him to make arrangements with them, it's up to him to make the arrangements about them with me.

I certainly will not be putting credit on her phone and have only let her keep it now hoping that it will do as coldtits has suggested - be gone in a month!!

I agree with Soapbox too. He's as entitled to his opinion about it as you are. And how was he to know how you felt about it if you hadn't discussed it with him?

I know that dsd was over the moon when she got her first mobile as it meant she was able to keep in touch with the friends she had here when she was at her mum's, as until then she had been unable to do so.

Why is it point scoring? He's given something to his daughter that they thought she would like, was useful and isn't her step-mum just being kind by paying for the credit and making sure that it isn't an expense you have to cover? And he's made sure that his other child hasn't been left out by buying him something too. That's what you wanted isn't it?

Well maybe now she has the phone she can chat with them.

Of course, arrangements must still be made with you, but that doesn't stop her chatting and texting with them does it?

Mampam, I'm still with you - it doesn't sound like kindness to me, bur rather like playing mindgames.
for you.