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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Made a fool of myself.

37 replies

MistressMary · 30/03/2005 18:27

Well as some of you just have found out I do have major hang ups about sex.
I get angry and very upset and tearful with images that are everywhere around us.
Magazines,adverts,films etc...
I have always had a problem with this and even had counselling several years back.
Basically I was brought up in a house where my dad would sit in front of the telly getting off on films and newspapers etc.
And would make comments in front of us and visitors how he would like an 18 year old virgin!
Well it was higly embarrasing and stomach churning as I was going through puberty at the time.
My mum would teach me that sex and love are very special things that are kept behind closed bedroom doors as it were.
So witnessing anything else felt voyeuristic and wrong in my eyes. It's what I have learnt from my parents.

So now years on I am dubious about anything my partner sees and I get very insecure and upset if anything is seen that I think of as Sexual.
I realise that I have the problem and it's very unhealthy and wish I could be liberal as today is.
What do I do? Please, please don't mock me. From extremely, emabarrased and uncomfortable MM.

OP posts:
Blu · 30/03/2005 18:35

MM I can completely understand why you would feel uncomfortable with public sexuality after that kind of behaviour from your Dad.

I suppose we all have different thresholds about feeling comfortable with talk about sex, our own levels of privacy etc.

Perhaps if you could remind yourself that when some people are being relaxed and open, (or flippant and faceatious) they are also, behind closed doors, having loving, mutually respectful intimate lives. They are not treating sex in the same way your Dad did - I hope you will not mind if I say that to my mind your Dad's beahviour was not only mysoginistic, but abusive to you - and your Mum.

Anyway, I think it was v brave to be honest and open about feeling uncomfortable, and why.

desperatehousewife · 30/03/2005 18:36

don't beat yourself up about it. I agree, we all have different thresholds.

Original poster
MistressMary · 30/03/2005 19:26

Thanks.

OP posts:
JanH · 30/03/2005 19:33

MM, I went searching for whatever thread it could be when I read your first post (I hadn't been on it before) - I don't think you need to be embarrassed at all, you said honestly how you felt about it, you didn't get mad or flounce and nobody minded.

I'm sorry that other people talking about things like that makes you feel so awful, and I agree with Blu that your dad's behaviour was terrible. Some men seem to have no regard for anybody they live with and your dad was obviously one of them. If you really don't like the way discussions like that affect you, might some kind of therapy/counselling help? (Have to say I don't like them much either, but can read and ignore without being bothered - as you are so bothered and dislike the feeling it would be worth looking into changing it?)

QueenEagle · 30/03/2005 19:33

MM do you mean your dad was physically getting off in front of the telly? If so that is way out of order. I'm really sorry that your Dad has affected the way you view sex. He was wrong and it is not your fault.

littlerach · 30/03/2005 19:39

I think you have to be comfortable with your way of looking at the whole sex thing, FWIW, having met you and lovely DS, you are a lovely woman with a fantastic son! Big hugs to you.xx

Original poster
MistressMary · 30/03/2005 19:43

He always had his hands down his trousers. Not making very physical movements though, but nonetheless the thought was there.
He has always been the same and no doubt he is like it to date.
However in his defense he would be mortified that it has affected me like this and he is a good Grandad to my son and very loyal to my mum and us all really.
That makes it all the worse.

I need to do something to change the outlook I have, and will have a look through my counselling notes again to remind me of coping strategies.
However it obviously affects me badly and really don't want it rubbing off on my my son in years to come leave alone my partner.
That's bad enough and I feel like Mary whitehouse!
I shall do my bestest not to react to thread on here in the meantime, I will leave well alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MistressMary · 30/03/2005 19:44

Thank littlerach.

OP posts:
lou33 · 30/03/2005 20:19

i dont think there is anything to mock mm, if anything i want to put my arms around you and pass you a cup of tea. When you ask what shall you do, have you worked out what it is that bothers you and what you want to achieve?

motherinferior · 30/03/2005 20:35

MM,
I'm so sorry.

I agree with Blu - to me, this kind of behaviour was abusive.
xxxxxxxxx

RnB · 30/03/2005 20:44

Message withdrawn

kelli22 · 30/03/2005 20:56

Hi there,
I don't find you at all "strange" i think it's perectly normal not to want to see open displays of this, i don't have "porn" in my house - my partner isn't allowed to look at it at all and hasnt all the time we have been together, to start with he argued it should be his choice but i believe it affects me more than him, after all he's not deprived at all, i give him more than he can cope with so i feel it would be insensitive of him to use that when he has a perfectly loving girlfriend in the flesh. Now some people might think thats a strange view and boys will be boys let them have their toys - but personally i believe if he loves and respects me (which he does) then he will leave well alone and he has.
I'm not offering any advice i just want to say your not alone in your views about this kind of thing. i believe in being adventurous but it should be behind closed doors in my opinon.
If im honest i dont really like the way music channels flaunt women, my 5 year old loves music and loves dancing and i have it on because i like music and think there are alot of decent music videos out there but i don't agree with the way some popstars are dressed (for want of a better word) in next to nothing, this is not really the image i want to promote to my little girl.
sorry for ranting on - but it does annoy me, i believe in people having choices but it is pushed in our faces where ever we go.

Caligula · 30/03/2005 20:57

MM your father's behaviour was horrifying. TBH, I think you're very tolerant to let him near his grandchildren. I don't think I would.

You've got nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Original poster
MistressMary · 30/03/2005 21:30

Lou, I basically feel like kelli22 there.
But I get angry and I really don't want to inflict my views on others or see how it gets me.

I'm very sorry my Dad did behave in this nature, in all otherways he is a very proud, loyal and hard working man.
And I know he is very proud of his family.
I wish he could have seen how he was when I was at home. I have no Sisters but two Brothers who are much older, so it was me and mum as the females in the home.
My mum was disgusted and used to snort and say "Do you mind?"
I think he was oblivious though what his actions did.
I was bought up on Benny Hill and Carry on which is ok. Much of my humour is of that nature.
But also was aware of erotic films which were taped by my mum, for him to muse "How Educational they were" and "Cor"!! Sorry this is really upsetting me now.
I love my parents dearly and they are good people and I feel I am betraying them somehow.
I feel so confused about the whole thing. I wish I could just let it die and get on with a fufilling life which I do until the 18 cert film is on, which my partner would like to watch.
I got upset at American Beauty, Austin Powers, American Pie, etc...
I feel I'm punishing my partner because of something my Dad made me think.

OP posts:
lou33 · 30/03/2005 21:36

i don't think you can help your feelings if you feel so strongly about it.I just wonder what you want to do about it, if anything? Do you want to change your views or just be able to deal with the way you feel, and accept others have differing opinions?

mummytosteven · 30/03/2005 21:38

MM - sorry you went thru this with your dad. I think I would ask the same question as Lou - I think it is a legitimate stance to feel uncomfortable with explicit sexual images discussion - so do you feel that you want more resilience/self-esteem in having this view, or do you want to change your views?

Original poster
MistressMary · 30/03/2005 21:47

Sorry got on a rant there and not got to the point. I want to be able to feel ok about it all and see other views.
I can up to a point seee how sex is used for advertising, but why people are attracted to it for that reason foxes me a bit.
Why peole like being voyeuristic, it makes me think of dirty old men and peeping toms and gets me embarrased.
Do people really like seeing an attractive couple simulating sex on a film etc?
And why do they show womens tits off and why are they always attractive? sorry I'm off again....
But thats the gist of my feelings.

OP posts:
lou33 · 31/03/2005 01:03

What do you think is permissable? I mean what would you say your boundaries were before you statrted feeling uncomfortable? Are you ok in private with these things or does it affect you there as well?

Original poster
MistressMary · 31/03/2005 08:46

Hello I'm afraid it affects me wherever I watch or see it. So at home or out and about.

My own intimate life I am comfortable with though, When it does happen!

OP posts:
Original poster
MistressMary · 31/03/2005 08:48

and boundaries; I know instinclty when something is going to happen on a film.
I think "oh here we go again",and basically start getting angry as soon as anything is building up in the plot.

OP posts:
Keane · 31/03/2005 08:56

MM, I just want to clear something up. i started that thread as a joke. I have no porn in the house either, dont think that is that unusual tbh. You sound like a very nortmal person who is at one with their own feelings. it doesnt matter that you have different views to other people. it doesnt make you odd. FWIW you did not make a fool of yourself either

Original poster
MistressMary · 31/03/2005 08:58

Keane I know! Could see it after, thats's the way it gets me.
Doh! No worries

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 31/03/2005 09:08

MM I hope nothing I've posted has offended or upset you. If it has, I apologise. I have porn in my house but it's tucked safely away and I wouldn't dream of watching it if dd was around, even in a different part of the house. If you are worried that your senstivity is affecting your relationship, have you talked to your dh about it? I'm sure he'd be very supportive.

munz · 31/03/2005 09:15

MM,

try to talk to your DH/P about it, I think u're entitled to your views, and feel there's no point in trying to 'force' yourself as it were to be more liberal these things take time, if u're really uncomfortable with things then don't do it.

have u spoken to your parents/ possibly have counciling about it. either way you're dad's ations were not of the 'norm' so to speak.

good luck, I hope you do manage to resolve this. please don't feel like ur letting anyone down or have to feel embaressed.

Original poster
MistressMary · 31/03/2005 09:41

My OH knows all to well about my hang ups, he is aware of anything on Telly or films that would upset me and he feels he has to be careful what he watches for my benefit.
Not healthy at all.
I have chatted to my mum, she still just manages to shrug it off, which is what I wish I could do.
I have got angry at my Dad when he was reading the NOTW once. But my anger didn't actually convey my message.
He will never change now. He is Seventy.
I really do not want to upset or feel I am able even to broach the subject with him.
As I mentioned in my first post I have had counselling, the issues though have re emerged.

HappyDaddy! I kinda of leave your posts well alone now. No worries.
Please don't tread on eggshells round me though, It's part of life and it's my issue. So I have to be the one to avoid certain threads and not you post because MistressMary might get stressy. Yeah?

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