Made a fool of myself.

[MistressMary]

Well as some of you just have found out I do have major hang ups about sex.
I get angry and very upset and tearful with images that are everywhere around us.
Magazines,adverts,films etc...
I have always had a problem with this and even had counselling several years back.
Basically I was brought up in a house where my dad would sit in front of the telly getting off on films and newspapers etc.
And would make comments in front of us and visitors how he would like an 18 year old virgin!
Well it was higly embarrasing and stomach churning as I was going through puberty at the time.
My mum would teach me that sex and love are very special things that are kept behind closed bedroom doors as it were.
So witnessing anything else felt voyeuristic and wrong in my eyes. It's what I have learnt from my parents.

So now years on I am dubious about anything my partner sees and I get very insecure and upset if anything is seen that I think of as Sexual.
I realise that I have the problem and it's very unhealthy and wish I could be liberal as today is.
What do I do? Please, please don't mock me. From extremely, emabarrased and uncomfortable MM.

Hi MM,

A (possibly wrong) observation, but quite a simple point that may have validity:

Whenever you were growing up, and watching telly, and the subject matter veered towards adult material, I guess it is possible your dad would have become more verbose / fidgety / enthralled.... and I imagine that simultaneously you would have felt silenced and worried and possibly disgusted...

This, I guess, would have carried on for YEARS.

It is possible you have formed an association in your mind between this sort of imagery and the feelings of revulsion I alluded to above... the end result is that when an individual (say dh, who let's assume is 'normal') watches TV that builds up to an adult scene (however mild perhaps), YOU start to feel nervous / embarassed / angry / upset...

This doesn't 'solve' your problem, but being able to look at this possible association and reflect on it, and then to work on KNOWING that your dh / another bloke looking at TV / posters in the street etc. ARE NOT following the same thought processes and behaviours as your dad... might be key to integrating a more 'normal' reaction to this kind of stuff.

I hope I'm not being a patronising git, or insulting, and that what I've written is perhaps helpful.

If you would like to get to a 'more normal' space in terms of your attitude and behaviour (and I'm not saying you should, or that that would be preferable), you may find some desensitising exercises, or creating new associations (perhaps under the guidance of a CBT / councillor / interested friend / dh) may help.

You have hit the nail on the head and this is what is happening.
You have not been in the least insulting or patronising.
The key is not all men are like my Dad, I think?
And I really think I must get this sorted out, counseliing etc.
I will definately take your suggestions on board.
How would I go about that?
Through the GP again and the counsellor?

Thanks BTW.

MistressMary - I'd say it's really healthy that your OH (lol)is careful, considerate, supportive and sensitive around what material he watches etc.

I feel v free of anxiety or 'hang ups' around sex, DP and I have both lived v adventurous lives, and I have always worked in a branch of the arts where exploring taboos is practically de rigeur. As a child, we took family holidays on beaches where no-one bothered to wear clothes. And you know what? There is plenty of imagery in our popular culture and media that gives me exactly the same reactions you describe. The minute I sense exploitation of women or sexualisation of little girls (and I can tell you a visit to the girls dept in NEXT can have me boiling), I want it turned off, banned, burned or put in the re-cycling bin. I have clicked off threads on MN disgusted because I think they pander to a view that women's bodies are unclean (e.g there was one about mooncups where everyone was going "yuk yuk yuk, I've e mailed this to my DH and all his male workmates are sniggering in horror"). DP quite enjoys certain types of subtle porn, but he doesn't brandish it under my nose and we certainly don't have anyhting like that lying around at home.

So, we do all have boundaries and they are v personally drawn, but it sounds as if you have a strong sexual relationship, and if you can take confidence in that, and feel relaxed about anything which builds on the healthy nature of that, there is no reason to lose confidence over the fact that you don't want to share other people's public expression about sexual matters. Not being anxious about being anxious about it might work wonders in itself, IYSWIM.

Sorry - took me so long to pst i x posted with your reply to H2D.

No, not all men are like your dad.

My DP told me that he really likes erotic films - but would never watch porn or erotica with other men, going 'whoar whhhhhoarrr' because he thinks that feels like male pack behaviour towards women. He will only watch erotic film on his own or with me if I want to. (I'm talking mainstream videos here, not 'real' porn)

Brilliant posts blu.
I think your GP would be a grat start for counselling, MM.

Phew, glad to have not made things worse....

OK. You say "The key is not all men are like my Dad"

Yes. Not all men THINK (have the same thought patterns) or ACT (have the same behavioural patterns) as your dad AT THE TIMES HE HAD / DID THEM.

(That last part deserves some contemplation as of course certain elements of adult thinking / behaviour are deemed acceptable AT CERTAIN TIMES, or in CERTAIN SITUATIONS. Infact YOU will be the person to negotiate this with dh / society... to a level YOU feel comfortable at. Think about what you would like to achieve as a goal with reference to when would be an appropriate time for adult-oriented talk or behaviour, in what situations, with what sorts of people...)

With reference to addressing these issues: A GP would be as good a beginning as any, but the work would probably be done by some kind of psychologist. You may even find that a significant degree of relief / improvement comes about from studying self-help or psychology texts in relevant areas of conditioning / cognitive behavioural therapies etc.

Understand that exploring all this might easily bring into play discussions on a more general level about your relationship with your dad which, I hope, was pretty normal in all other respects.

MM I really feel for you. I was subjected to the same by my grandfather. He actually used to rape me as well though.

Trusting men has always been difficult, but I have just tried to live with some things. Me and DH have been together a while now and some things really upset me. He buys car magazines and every time he does I am in tears as I am convinced he is looking at the naked/semi naked women sprawled all over the cars instead. He says he isn't but what more can he or I say?

If DH touches or looks at me in a certain way I end up in hysterics because it was how 'he' used to.

I can't bear to watch films that have got any kind of sex scenes in them. Nobody ever used to tell me that sex/making love is supposed to be a sacred thing between 2 people who love each other. Nobody used to talk to me about sex at all. DH was the first person I slept with, and even then it took months into our relationship until I did. Then in a way I just felt dirty. Even now, (beware TMI alert) If DH decides that he suddenly wants sex and tried to pounce on me in a dominant way (which a lot of women probably like), I feel dirty, used and sick and end up scrubbing my skin til it bleeds afterwards.

So I dont think you are being unreasonable, and I certainly don't think you have made a fool of yourself at all. I wish I could be more liberal too.

Hi Feel,

There are a number of threads on MN with discussions between people with similar experiences and feelings. It's so terrible.

I am sorry I have no personal experience, or knowledge about any of this to do anything more positive .

Obviously these issues still affect your day to day life and I imagine talking about them with a trained professional would be useful for you. Again, perhaps a first port of call could be your GP for some kind of referral ?

I am sure others will post more suggestions / links to Rape Crisis etc. where people could help you.

FSAP - sweetheart, whoever you are, no-one - NO-ONE would think you 'prudish' to feel the way you feel.

MM and FSAP - having been forcibly subjected to someoene else's sexulaity / relationship with womwn, you don't now have to feel forced to accept other people's casual atitude to their own relationship with sex. That's a kind of double whammy, and one of the effects of the experiences you have endured.

It's not a value judgement on you that you feel uncomfortable or have different boundaries.

MM, if it's useful, there appears to be an active convo on CBT:

Here .

It is an approach that can treat a variety of problems - above people are discussing it with regards to depression - but it is the foundation for much work in, for example, phobias, which is relevant to phenomena about unhelpful associations etc.

HTH.

FSAP

I think I have very underestimated the power of mumsnet.
A huge thanks to everyone who has contributed to this. You have been extremely helpful. Thanks.

i hope you manage to find some sort of resolution to this mm.