Dh and I having problems - think its mostly my fault and not sure I can fix it

[wanttogetbackontrack]

I'm sure that lots of couples have some adjustments to make when 2 become 3 but I'm not sure I am able to fix this. We are arguing all the time. Just about everything he says upsets me. Since having PFB she is my life and I am so in love with her I'm not sure I can or do feel the same way about him anymore. I've got about 3 friends with PFBs who i see all the time and whilst we talk about all the tmi aspects of childbirth and after this hasn't been brought up by any of them so am wondering if it is just me. Do i need to get a grip? I don't have a problem leaving lo or anything like that. I have been out in the evening without dh since lo was born. we've had sex about 4 times since our 10 month old was born, i BF for 7 months. He doesn't think i do enough in the house, its can but not always tidy, its a small house so we do struggle for space. i just don't know what to do, if i try and do things because i think thats what he would want i seem to get it totaly wrong. i hvae just started going back to work, a phased return but am more worried about dh than work its defo that that is cauing me stress. I would really appricate any words of wisdom, thanks x

FWIW me and DH argued (what felt like) constantly until DS was about 14 months (and started sleeping a lot better). We couldn't stand each other at times and resentment played a big part in our relationship.

My love for DS never replaced by love for DH but the resentment made me feel as though I was loving DH less (I had so many - 'if he loved me he wouldn't do so and so'.......moments it was ridiculous.)

I haven't any fantastic pearls of wisdom I just wanted to offer some assurance that the first year of a babys life can be unbelievably hard on a relationship.

I think it is time that you left your little cocoon of new motherhood and PFB and ventured back into the world of coupledom. Can you get a babysitter (your mother? your MIL) to take care of your DD for a day while you and DH go out and do couply romantic things?

Thanks for your replies so far.

why can't he see that spending time with dd is more important than the newspapers that have piled up a bit? Why can't he see that taking dd out for some fun with mummy was more important on wed than cleaning up after going back to work on mon and tue for the first time in a year? why can't he see how it affects me when he walks in from work at 7pm, i'm just about to take dd up to bed and he says i can see you've done nothing all day?

It does take a while to adjust to your new role in your life and your changed position in the family.
Similar to when you first get together and live as a couple.
If it's housework you are arguing about get a cleaner.

For your DH, who goes out to work all day, it is probably very important that he comes back to a house that is reasonably well-organised. I know that you feel it is more important to spend time with your DD than to tidy up but think about how your DH feels too - it is 50% his life and his house.

If you cherish your DH a little by making sure the house is under control and welcoming when he gets back, he will feel loved and you will argue less.

And, by the by, it is good for your DD to see you busy with errands and chores, not just devoted to her.

Try to think of your house as a project, with different areas. Attack each one individually to get it under control, and then ensure you maintain the control.

You certainly are not alone. DH and I have had problems too, constantly bickering with each other etc. The change to your life and relationship is so overwhelming. I think you do fall in love with the baby, and maybe for a while this doesn't leave much room for dh. I also have friends who have had the same thing happen. Having said that, I do think he's being unreasonable getting at you about the housework. I do bugger all tbh (8 month old dd) and what little does get done is done by dh.

This is sounding very familiar - DS is 13 months and DP and I have been arguing since he was about 2 months old.

It's bloody hard.. he too thought that I didn't do anything all day... until I had a day when i really didn't do ANYTHING, then he saw exactly what I 'do all day' the house was a tip he's been a bit better since then.

He did finally realise, after a LOT of talking that if I have the option, I will spend time with DS, rather than worrying about the state of the house. Looking after a LO is a full-time job!

Reality and mammy have it right. The first year or so of having a new baby puts an enormous strain on even the best of relationships. Even more so if your LO is not a great sleeper. Sleep deprivation could turn Mother Theresa into a raving psycho!

If your marriage was basically really good before you had your baby, you'll probably weather it out and wake up one morning realising life is good, you love your DH and everything is going to be fine. You just have to power through it.

I've never actually had to go through this as I left my abusive ex not long after my DC were born. However, from talking to other people who have managed to keep their relationships alive despite the pressures of young children, there are a few common themes that come up.

1. Don't get sucked into the competitive tiredness/drudgery mentality, where you each try to outdo the other with tales of how much harder your role is than the other person's. Try to sympathise with each other as if you were unburdening on your best friend, rather than outdo each other.

1. Don't lose sight of the fact that exhaustion makes you irritable, but as there's little you can do about it in many cases (e.g. can't make LO sleep through), many of us cope by focusing everything's that wrong on a partner. For example, the fact that he hasn't done the dishes really angers you, when what you're really angry about is that the baby hasn't slept, you've mountains to do and all you really want to do is sit down and go to sleep. If you keep reminding yourself of this and see it for what it is, it often takes away some of the anger you feel and helps to avoid angry arguments with your partner that can do more damage to your relationship.

1. If you've got any sort of help available, use it. Friends, family, paid help, whatever. Try to arrange a night a week where you get a good night of uninterrupted sleep and make the effort to go out for an evening with your DH on a 'date'. Sometimes staying in and having a nice meal works too, but for most people leaving the house provides the psychological break of being away from the baby and being x and y again instead of mummy and daddy.

1. Talk, talk and talk. Your friends may feel disloyal about talking about their husbands, may be in denial, or may even think that everyone else's marriage is fine and it must just be them so they'd better keep quiet (or they could be the lucky ones whose DH is fantastic and there's no problems). What you're feeling is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Break the ice and bring up the subject. You'll feel better for a good old rant and may actually find your friends understand more than you think...

1. If you haven't already, do your best to get your LO into a good night-time routine, so you recover your evenings and can start getting better quality sleep.

1. Remember this will pass.

Good luck!

great post Optimist

it's not about you loving your PFB so much that you have no space for hubby - it's because hubby seems to be a bit critical and unreasonable and perhaps not as into DD as you are? I don't mean he doesn't love her obviously, but as mums it's easy to get soo into our babies when we spend 24/7 with them and daddy doesn't get the same chance.
Housework ain't that important. I do the bare minimum and DH does a bit too - more when he's off work. He would never tell me I should do more because a) he's not my boss and b) I spend the days looking after our son. He wants me to be happy and normal so he'd rather I go out shopping all day or whatever and leave the housework rather than staying in all day and doing it.
We all love our PFBs to distraction. However, my relationship is (slowly) getting back to (almost) normal because my DH is (generally) supportive and I (usually) like his company. If yours isn't, that's the problem - not that you love your DD too much

Do you think what he says is is clumsy way of saying "what about me?" and "what about us?"

You say....

"Since having PFB she is my life and I am so in love with her I'm not sure I can or do feel the same way about him anymore."

Don't tell me he doesn't know!? Of course he does. Your sex life sounds non-existant so I expect he's glum about that too.

Maybe he fels like a sperm donor and money provider and nothing else.

You say...

"why can't he see how it affects me when he walks in from work at 7pm, i'm just about to take dd up to bed and he says i can see you've done nothing all day?"

Well he might say "why can't you see that knowing you don't care about me anymore is upsetting?"

Why not let him look after your dc for a weekend - you go off to see family etc on your own and do some thinking about what you want. And he can see how tiring it can be.

And then talk - lots and lots!

It's bloody hard at the beginning and a HUGE adjustment. DH and I bickered a lot, or just spent days not even talking much. He found it hard because I would go through the minutiae of the day as soon as he got in (times of feeds / naps, consistency of poo - you know what I mean...). Not the most interesting of topics. It took a long time to be interested in each other as a couple again.

I think there is loads of good advice on here already, but just hang in there. It is hard to get motivated to do housework when you could be spending all your time with little one, but it must be a drain coming in from a hard days work to an untidy house (jeez - you wouldn't believe I'm a feminist, I sound like a 50s housewife!). I know when I get a lie in on a Sat, it's almost not worth it as the house looks like a bomb's hit it by the time I'm up at 9. It can be a real PITA.

Can you both de-clutter a bit if the house is small? This makes a huge difference and it's much easier to keep on top of things...

BTW - I think your DH is also being a bit insensitive and unfair in the way he's talking to you. You both need to sit down calmly over a meal and talk things through. Get a babysitter and start seeing each other as a couple again.

I can associate with some of this.....

When my child was born, my ex did little. I accepted that she might feel more tired and a tried to compensate where I could.

I can't remember time scales, but if I am correct in remembering, the child was breast fed for about 18 months, so I would imagine that I was more helpful for about 18 months.

Sex after birth was almost nothing. I accepted that.

What I did find odd (and it was a problem before the pregnancy) was that my ex was insecure. If I went out, she had to come along. After the birth, I was expected to keep the same arrangement. I rarely go out as it was. I do remember that on an occasion, we were invited out for a birthday meal. Children were not permitted. Ex (was a wife then) wanted me to phone the birthday friend and cancel all 3 of us. I tried to reason that if I attended, it would look better....etc. Ex was addament that I should not go if she didn't go. I think that incident was a turning point in out relationship.

When the child was between 2 and 3 (and he didn't have a terrible 2 stage), the ex was making a job out of every single task. The poor child kept on getting the blame. Ex went on a 2 week trip and I looked after the child (and worked full time). I managed with everything except the ironing. I could have done the ironing, but at 7 in the evening, I wanted to check emails and talk to the ex who was away.

Coming back to the topic.....

The things that did get to me was the general untidiness and disorganisation in the house. I didn't mind the bed not being made, I could sort that, but no washing done, wet cloths left in the washer, dishes half way washed and then the job left half done from the morning. Baby toys in every room - all over the room. A few times a month would be understandable but all the time used to get to me.

It got to the point where I got the impression that the ex had to sit and watch the washing machine wash the cloths.

When I tried to find out what it was that she was doing all day, so I could try to work out a plan for trying to help, ex could explain 2 hours in 12, which didn't impress me at all.

When the child was old enough to go to mother and baby groups, I actively encouraged this. Every morning I went to work, thinking that on the activity days, the mother and child were out playing with other children and mothers talking to each other.

A few months on, some of the group arrangers started calling to find out if my ex was still wanting to attend. I presumed yes and after about the 5th call, I started asking questions.

It turns out that my ex wasn't going to any of the todler groups, she wasn't doing much of the house work (which was getting to me). I was slaving away for 10 to 12 hours a day to keep ex from working and ex couldn't explain how she was using the time, other than blaming the baby.

My advice is to identify a few things which you think the husband/father can do to help you. If some of the things involve the father taking the child out for a walk or stroll in the park (just to give you an hour or 2 free) that helps. If you section the work and limit the father to doing the same jobs in the house, to make the task predictable (so he can see an end in sight) - that helps.

Well, after baby number one I would have completely agreed with you... But after baby number four I have had an epiphany. I now have a relatively tidy and clean home, although not perfect. The key is organisation and accepting that if you are at home your day should be as full as the working parent. That time can include occupying the children but must include cleaning and tidying. Perhaps aim to have one wash (I do two ... four dcs), washed dried and ironed a day, at least lounge/bathroom cleaned every second/third day, hooovering twice a week and kitchen always clean. Little rules like never leave the kitchen unclean really help.
We all go though changes when we realise just how much we can love our babies, but you must make room for Daddy for your own sake. Our adult relationship helps us feel good about ourselves. Perhaps surprise him with a smile and nice outfit when he comes home, suggest a takeaway and talk to him about how you feel...... use "I" and not "you". The more sex you have the more you want, btw. After baby 1 & 2 our sex life barely changed but after 3 & 4, I am not as inclined to jump into bed.... I feel like I need more intimacy and to really get on with DH before my body will give in!!

Perhaps start by asking what he wants? You may just find out he feels left out.

I can completely empathise (sp?)we bickered for months after PFB was born, he is coming up to a year and since i went back to work three months ago it is a lot better. I am happy with my life now - when I was at home though I did have to do housework because I couldn't stand it myself, I just said to myself well the baby doesn't know that its work, everything is play time to him, so he helped me sort the washing and played under his jungle gym while i cleaned the bathroom.
I put him under the duvet when i made the bed and played by throwing it up and covering him and made it at the same time.
Once I even pushed him around the house while he was playing with a toy in the buggy and cleaned the windows, not that i've done that since.
Probably the main reason for doing this though was that when he was down for a nap which wasn't for very long (another thread) it meant I could lie in front of the tele or mumsnet.

In relation to your DH thinking you are doing nothing all day if you havent done any housework, well he needs to look after her for a whole day on his own and see how much he does.

I think the key question is: did your DH expect you to service him domestically before you had the baby, or did he pull his wieght around the house. If he previously understood that both of you make mess in the house so it's down to both of you to clear it up, then all the good advice about talking and how things will get better in time is fine. However, if he's one of these men who think that shitwork and servicing work are for women to do and that men, who do paid work, are therefor exempt from doing anything domestic, then you might have a more serious problem.

Lol at spraying pledge round the door!

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion I have been called worse before. I maintain that if someone can show me or convince me about how I can improve, I am willing to take any forward step for the right reasons. The parts I highlighted in my reply are mainly the parts relevant to this topic.

great idea to have a box to chuck everything into - we have a couple of them downstairs, they cover all sins.

My DH calls just when leaving work which gives me about 20 mins to sort things. Used to spend that time brushing hair, applying a bit of perfume, mascara, making sure nutritious meal was cooking, maybe a candle or two....you know what I mean.
These days, I try and manage a meal, make sure that he doesn't break his neck on toys as soon as he enters the living room and that the bed is made. Looked atmyself in the mirror last night just as he walked through the door and realised that i had sick over both shoulders, petit filou down my front and that as DS had been using my hair as a toy. I tried to make a joke of it and reminded him of the days when he used to come home from work - fragrant wife etc....just had to laugh it off while running to get a comb.....

Its hard. And the last thinga mum needs (my DS 5.5mths) is DH examining the minutae of your day.

LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of not doing anything around the house at all for a couple of days so they can see what does go on.

Thanks everyone for all your replies. Have just got back from sainsbury's with a massive shop.

Bonsoiranna - I know your right it is his house too.

Christmaspenguin - I know, the times he has been on his own with her he certainly hasn't got anything done. Maybe he should have the whole day.

optimist - thanks for that, I'm luckily in that she is a pretty good sleeper shame we don't have that to blame really

Kat - I agree with you, think the reason it turns into such a big thing is that I won't be bossed around like that. As soon as he says something that sounds like thats what he means it does wind me up, i can't help it. Last night he said the house looks good can tell you've been working hard on it and got the stff that I wanted done, I replied that I only did what I had planned to do anyway not because of what you'd said (we'd had a massive arguement the night before) and it nearly started another fight

gagain - i'm sure you're right he must be feeling a bit left out. will work on that

Ineedmorechocolatenow - haha know what that's like with the lie ins.

Back in a few mins DD is up and needs some lunch x