Dh and I having problems - think its mostly my fault and not sure I can fix it

[wanttogetbackontrack]

I'm sure that lots of couples have some adjustments to make when 2 become 3 but I'm not sure I am able to fix this. We are arguing all the time. Just about everything he says upsets me. Since having PFB she is my life and I am so in love with her I'm not sure I can or do feel the same way about him anymore. I've got about 3 friends with PFBs who i see all the time and whilst we talk about all the tmi aspects of childbirth and after this hasn't been brought up by any of them so am wondering if it is just me. Do i need to get a grip? I don't have a problem leaving lo or anything like that. I have been out in the evening without dh since lo was born. we've had sex about 4 times since our 10 month old was born, i BF for 7 months. He doesn't think i do enough in the house, its can but not always tidy, its a small house so we do struggle for space. i just don't know what to do, if i try and do things because i think thats what he would want i seem to get it totaly wrong. i hvae just started going back to work, a phased return but am more worried about dh than work its defo that that is cauing me stress. I would really appricate any words of wisdom, thanks x

OK I'm back.

N1 - Thanks for your time I really do appricate your perspective on this. I have suggested to him that if he took the baby out I could get on with things uninterupted, for eg to his parents who rarely see lo, he preferes me to take DD out and he get on with it. I did arrange for her ot go to my mums for the day last monday so I could really give the place a good going over, DH came home from work very early and after suggesting I hadn't done enough insisted I went out shopping with him. then for the rest of the week continued to complain about the state of the house even though he had stopped me from doing it! I have made a point of going out with the baby once or twice a week, swimming or indoor play for example because I was very scared of getting PND. I ahve also been out in the evenings a few times. DH has not and has rarely been out, I ahve tried many times to get him to go out, he has not even kept up with his hobby. Do you have any understanding of qwhy this is???

Divineintervention - I understand what your saying, the washing is alwys being done, the bathroom is clean, the dishwasher filled and emptied, dinner cooked for him every evening, I promise its not like I don't do anything. Even when I have dusted, if he can't tell then I ahven't done it iyswim. So might take up the pledge suggestion lol.

carrots and peas - I should try and do this a bit more.

Reality - thanks top tips indeed and thnaks for your comments!!!!

thisweathersajoke - this is probably what I should do, hard as DH gets home at different times but always throughout the time that dd is being feed or getting ready for bed.

thanks to everyone so far, will have a ponder and come up with a plan of action. Will run it past you a bit later x

Sorry took me so long to do the last post I've got some more will have a read.....

Marlasinger - it really is a case of "coming out the other side" that was spot on.

thanks hedgewhitch - had written a lovely long reply, didn't realise I would lose it by trying to read the next page doh!!!! I understand what your saying, i promise the house is not that untidy. I do clean, I think thats more important than being tidy iyswim.

marla - hope your ok??? I do agree i think if the emotional side was better the rest wouldn't be an issue, i certainly woldn't take everything to heart! I ahve started going back to work and will be FT by the end of the month. Tings will either get better or a whole lot worse!!!!

Am PMSFL about spraying pledge round by the door.. thought i was the only one with that trick

Maybe he feels like an outsider enough already by working all day and being away from your baby - so going out in the evenings just undelines how redundant he is and not really part of the family?

Maybe that shopping trip he insisted on was a rather bizarre attempt at being a couple again while your lo was out of the way? Some form of proof that you two could still do what you used to do before PFB?

How about saving the grocery shopping up for the weekend and leaving baby & DH at home together while you do it? And asking DH to take PFB swimming without you at the weekends too? So they can have some time together?

pregnanthedgewitch - you've hit it on the head there, I was doing a full deep clean on the monday whereas he SAW a half finished house.

Marla - oh no I broke a tooth a few years ago not nice. I do think ging back to work wil help, the two days I worked this week I still managed to get cleaning done as well - like hoovering the living room at 7am!!! Most of our touching has disappeared, Dh goes to work before I am up (becuase he goes early not cause i'm in bed all day , we ahve a corner sofa that is very uncomfy so tend to sit apart, at least one a week DH will fall asleep downstairs after promising ot be up soon and come to bed about 4am. Maybe this will get better when the new sofa arrives!

Gagarin - didn't think of it like that.

thanks again guys for your thoughts it is really helping.

odd question...and a random thought. Where do you eat dinner?

Is there any scope to eat at a table with the baby involved? I loved feeding the baby - it was all fun and games, making faces on a spoon, aeroplanes, tanks, soldiers...etc. and mimicking chomping sounds as the baby chewed.

I didn't need to be asked to be involved, I just took an active interest and made my own plans. Perhaps if the dad does something with the child and sees the reaction (hopefully happy) then he might want to do more.

N1 - not an odd question as far as I'm concerned. tbh one of the most argued about issues is the kitchen table, things pile up throughout the week and leave it unuseable for meals.

Dh has never really got very involed with feeding think its because i BF and just didn't really change after that. Because of how out kitchen is only one of us can sit next to her when eating so it s me.

We have had a good day today, we are one of those couples who has disagreements quite often buts its the fact that its gone to another level iykwim. Maybe tonight will be a good night too, I had a bath whilst DH looked after DD and when I came down from putting her to bed he had lit candels and was a little disappointed that she'd gone down so quickly cause he was going make it romantic. But then agin he is watching TV in the kitchen, saying its cause I can then watch what i want and he fell asleepon the sofa again last night and didn't come to bed till 5am.

I think the bloke wants to keep more time apart, possibly because time together results in arguments or accusations....so the logical thing is to be separated more of the time to reduce conflict. It might be that the bloke wants something to get better (in the relationship) and he can move to spending more and more time with you. (my guess)

The kitchen table point, can it be solved?

If the kitchen table is cluttered, then I would guess that there are more places in the house that's cluttered. Can some of those places be de-cluttered?

Using clutter as the "distraction". Could it be that the bloke feels that he can't concentrate on the relationship because seeing you reminds him of home and clutter. Obviously I am not trying to shift all the blame on you, but lets face it, if the bloke was interested in doing something, something should have happened by now.

If there is a "de-clutter" task that the bloke can do which isn't to big or demanding, throw that at him, see if he does it and see how well. To match him, take on a bigger or more demanding task at the same time, so he feels that he would rather do his job than take yours on.

If you want to take the exersize even further, play the game of giving the better complement, when looking at the other person's final result of the job. If you start the game out right, the process can gather a few laughs. If you want to play clever, don't look for "buts" in your complementary answer. Usual excuse is that your job was bigger.

The progressive complement is something like.... good job. That's what I like to see. Come and see if I did as well as you..... you and he go to your place of task....and hear the comment. Presumably it's also a good job, then you remark that his was done quicker, he replies that yours was harder, You reply that his needed more thought.....etc. Adding "much" and very much before the operative word is when the humor starts.

If you get success with that, getting another few de-clutter places sorted starts a process, then the DIY starts....if you put a cupboard up, we can de-clutter here and there.

Could that be a plan?

Sorry, have read this thread in disbelief. Have we gone back to the 1950s?
I am pretty tidy but our place is still cluttered at the end of the day as although I spend as much time as possible tidying and cleaning, my priority is to look after my DD (8mths). We go out every morning and afternoon.
If my DH dared to come home and tell me the place was messy, we would be having serious words.

OP if your DH has an issue with the state of your house, tell him to help tidy at the weekend or when he comes home from work. Am I correct in reading that you also said you have gone back to work too? What on earth does he expect?

N1 - you've basically said the some of what he did but in other words, your not my DH are you There did seem to be a bit of a change in him yesterday, he put up a mirror we had bought and hung the two sets of blinds in the kitchen. We were both doing some cleaning/tiding in the moring and I did say something like ths is what we shoudl do each weekend just spend a couple of hours together and it would be done then we would just ahve to keep tidy throughout the week and he agreed it sounded like a good idea. The biggest thing happened last night though [no not that ], it was after 11pm and I was knackered, he'd still spent the entire evening in the kitchen (to admire his new blinds and handiwork methinks) he came to talk to me and said I must have had a great evening as i'd been able to watch whatever i liked. I replied that it would have been better if i had not been on my own - we have different tastes for TV but can normally comprimise very easily. He came and kneeled on the floor in front of me and said he was very sorry, i asked what for and he said his behaviour recently. He knows he has been horrible to me and hes not going to do it anymore. He said that he had realised today, by getting quite a few jobs done that he knew what he had to do from now on and that is just get on with it. He sees me as the clever one and he looks up to me and looks to me to tell him what to do (not sure i agree with this on but hey) and that he thinks its almost like I'm his mum (????) but basically saying if he sees something that needs doing he will do it. No this sees to ring true in some respects, normally if he did the kitchen after dinner (tbh hes not done tis for a while) he would moan and groan all the way through about how this was messy and why was this like that, and I would be in the kitchen slowly getting mader and madder. Anywho he kissed me told me to get some sleep and he'd be up soon. I was so sleepy it was hard to keep awake to listen to him tbh but i foucsed and glad i did. he's just left now to go and pick up a shed he's bought. only problem is he didn't come to bed till the early hours again - should i be worried about that? I'll see how things go. Thanks for all your insight it's really good to see how the other side think of things. BTW the kitchen table is now mostly decluttered!

Pudding - I know i think thats why we ahve so many rows i won't take that. He met me as a fiesty 17 year old so certainly used to me having opinons and sharing them! He is such and understanding bloke when it comes to others, he ends up hearing everyones problems. The night before last we did have very serious words, he said he can't live like this and can't see us last the distance if it carries on like this - I said I agree we won't, the problem was we were both saying it for totally different reasons. I won't have my DD thinking this is how a man should treat her!

PS sorry for the typo's am still very tired

Glad to hear to talking has started - hope it continues.

FWIW I doubt if when your dh moans about the place being untidy that's actually all he is referring to.

Is it possible that he's picking on the most obvious thing to whine about (because actually he could fix it easily if he wanted to...do it himself!) but in reality what he's feeling bad about is the same thing that you are - the state of your relationship! He's just picking on an external sign.

Keep on talking. And let him do more stuff with dd on his own at the weekend.

And tell him to choose a DVD and watch it together (however ghastly it is!) one evening to get back to spending at least some evenings together.

I am sure that I am not your ex.

Him saying that he was sorry for this and that is a feel good moment. I don't expect the moment to last - however, keep on course. Aim to declutter.

Regarding that shed, make sure that valuables are kept inside the house. The bloke is going to regret clearing the house and have valuables go missing. Sheds should be classed as "out of sight, out of mind" and not a safe.

Late nights. now that's a tricky question. The general understanding that I apply is that the bloke will come to bed if there is something to come to. I am single, so I hardly sleep (my choice). If there were some friendly, kind sweet person in bed who I wanted to sleep next to and spend every waking moment next to, then you can bet money that I would be in bed when she is in bed.

At the moment, I have doubts that the bloke wants to avoid you. I think he has distractions in the house and you are still a reminder of the distractions. Look for the things that you know the bloke dislikes and "attack" those, so the blokes mind isn't thinking of what ever bothers him. I can accept that he could do it himself (and the bloke might agree). Keep in mind that if he felt it needed doing, it would already be done. A trick (though not a good trick) meet the bloke at the door when he comes in and watch where he looks first, all innocent like. If he gets wind that you watch him, you are lost. While watching him, watch his eyes and face expression. A "smiling face" has "happy" eyes". The bloke walks in and the smile in his eyes (if he has one) will fall when he spots something he sees as a distraction. You have your first clue.

Don't bother collecting more info. One step at a time.

Sitting round the table for dinner should go a long way to help things in the house. CLean table, tidy and neat table cloth, clean wall next to the table (if the wall is dirty, it's a distraction.

When last did you have sex (if I may ask).

I forgot to add. Make sure that the room where you eat is well lite. A darker room changes the atmosphere. Avoid spot light type lights though. Soft lighting is much better.