Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice needed - wedding dilemma

35 replies

designergirl · 08/01/2009 17:23

My sister is getting married soon and I am quite upset bcse she has asked her best friend and a colleague none of our family even knows to be her bridesmaids, and also my daughters (age 2 and 5) to be flower girls. I was upset but thought I'd be okay with it.Unfortunately I'm not very good at hiding how I feel and I feel really rejected.
Anyway still, I thought, at least my daughters will be involved. I had a baby last August who's now just 5 months so I do have my hands full.
Anyway my sister wants me to bring girls up to her hotel room (she's getting married in hotel) to get ready and I just can't face the bridesmaids that my sister has rejected me for! maybe it sounds childish, I shld just get over it, right? I just find it so difficult. I said I cldn't get girls there at the time she wanted as we are at least 1 hr away over motorway and I need to breastfeed baby before we set off so need to not arrive too early at wedding as I'll have to feed her again straight away. (every 2 hrs)So now she has accused me of being awkward and has told me not to spoil the wedding, and if they are not there at the time I said they cld get there for (20 mins before)they cld not take part. Thing is, I feel like she was rubbing my nose in it,everyone getting ready for the wedding and me sat there like a third wheel, having nothing to do.She was originally suggesting I cld not dress them, which is the only involvement I will have in my sister s wedding.
My dh is fed up with it and is thinking of not going, and is suggesting maybe we shld all just go as guests instead of dd1 and dd2 being flower girls as it is all too complicated.Also dd2 is only 2 and she usually sleeps at the wedding time so I don't even know if it will work.

I think she's being really thoughtless.

Just wanted some advice. am I being unreasonable to feel upset, and what wld u do/ feel like if it was you.

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 08/01/2009 17:27

hmmm, tricky.
How do you usually get on?
It isn't your right to be a bridesmaid and it is your sister's day, I'd say indulge her and be the bigger person.
Can totally see why you are upset tho

Heated · 08/01/2009 17:27

Presumably she needs your dds there in time for their hair to be done, dressed and have photographs taken before departing for the ceremony?

IS YOUR disappointment in not be chosen as matron of honour clouding your judgement re Bridesmaids?

Twims · 08/01/2009 17:27

YABU Your children have been asked to be somewhere for a specific time - so take them, so what if you have to breast feed again - it means you can leave the room and not feel uncomfortable.

TBHI think YOU'RE BEING THOUGHTLESS not her and it IS your sisters wedding and if you're going to be resentful and spoil it maybe it is best you don't go at all.

TuttiFrutti · 08/01/2009 17:31

What are you objecting to? It's not normal to ask a married woman to be a bridesmaid, so you can't really have expected this, surely? Matron of honour, maybe, but your sister probably thought you'd have your hands full with a 5 month old baby.

Any chance you are feeling a bit hormonal?

Is there any history between you and your sister?

I can't see what she has done wrong.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 08/01/2009 17:31

As far as some people are concerned, bridesmaids traditionally are unmarried women, not mothers of 3 kids - would it help you to believe that is the reason why your sister chose her friends rather than you?
Of course, if your relationship with your sister involves you being as whiny, competitive and self-obsessed as your OP sounds I am not surprised she didn't want you as a bridesmaid - she probably couldn't face you moaning over the choice of dresses, the hairdos, what time you had to be there and the fact that you weren't consulted on the choice of flowers.

SwedesInACape · 08/01/2009 17:31

I think you should be pleased for your sister. It's lovely that she has asked your daughters to be flower girls - won't they absolutely love that? Perhaps she hasn't asked you because she knows you will absolutely have your hands full with the baby and supporting the 2 and 5 year olds in their roles.

You are involved..... you are the sister of the bride, mother of two flower girls and you and your husband are guests.

Please support your sister on her wedding day and have a lovely time - all of you.

btw - I would hate to be a bridesmaid and anyway isn't it traditional to only have unmarried women as bridesmaids?

MissisBoot · 08/01/2009 17:31

It's difficult. I can completely see why you are upset about not being asked to be her bridesmaid - do you think she may have not asked you because she thought you might not be able to do it with all your children?

Could you say to her that you're upset about not being asked or would she throw a strop about you questioning her?

I think it is unreasonable to ask you to get the girls there earlier so they can get dressed there - surely much easier to deliver them fully dressed and ready. Don't stop your dd's from being flower girls - they'll love it and you can be gleeful that they may secretly steal the show .

You don't need to be 'involved' in your sisters wedding though - its her day and you could just enjoy having a stressfree day with your family.

Lulumama · 08/01/2009 17:31

i think that it is lovely she has involved your older two , so look at it that she loves your DDs so muhc, rather than snubbing you

also, if your DD is 5 months now, in another month or whenever she is getting married, is she going to still be breastfed every two hours

oyu can breastfeed there or in a different room surely?

your daughters are part of the wedding party, so they will have to fit on, she cannot make all the timings fit round you

if you love your sis and you get on, please don;t fall out over this

LaDiDaDi · 08/01/2009 17:33

Difficult.

I can see why you feel upset that your sister has not asked you to be bridesmaid but it sounds like she felt you would be too busy looking after your dc, quite rightly, too faff around after her all day? Maybe she wanted bridesmaids who could primp and preen her all day without other commitments?

I don't think that your sister is being unreasonable to ask you to have your dds at her room 20 min or so before the wedding. This will not be too early and the time will whizz past especially if she is having a photographer do "getting ready" pics.

I would not withdraw your dds from the role o bridesmaids at this late stage tbh, the older one will be really looking forward to it and it will look a bit petty.

What would you ideally like your sister to do to make you feel better about things? It might be good to ask yourself this question and then think how realistic you are being.

I hope that this doesn't all sound a bit harsh/not what you wanted to hear, and perhaps your sis is being a bit bridezilla but this doesn't come across from your op.

Carmenere · 08/01/2009 17:33

What age are you fgs? 12?. Just decide that this is ok and it will be. Go early and get your dd's dressed in the hotel, enjoy the special time together, have a glass of champagne, there will be loads to do. I just cannot imagine spoiling my dsis's wedding day for such a silly reason as feeling left out.

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 08/01/2009 17:33

twims - that seems a bit harsh.

designergirl I would have been devastated if I had not been asked to be a bridesmaid for my sister, although I do wonder whether she has assumed it would be too much for you, as you have such a young baby. But it sounds too as if you and she already have quite a volatile relationship, by the way you have already spoken to each other over this?

mistlethrush · 08/01/2009 17:34

I think that you would find it really difficult being a bm when you've got a still young baby and needing to bf regularly - ie what if baby starts crying in the service - would you be able to leave it to dh, start leaking on bm dress, or have to abandon the front of the church and go to your baby. Perhaps it would have been more politic to ask you first and let you decline - but isn't that what sisters are for? making you mad?

Re daughters, I would suggest that you think your youngest will find it difficult in terms of timing - if she's tired she is less likely to behave well. With only one dd to sort out, why don't you suggest that dh can sort her out while you bf baby.

So - no, I don't think that you're being totally unreasonable - I think that she may have been a bit thoughtless. However, she's probably getting worked up about the wedding and stressed etc - and this is just one additional thing for her to worry about.

Lulumama · 08/01/2009 17:38

when is the wedding?

btw, i was matron of honour for my sister, i was 20 weeks pregnant , still being sick and had DS too, so was glad to not have to be teh chief bridesmaid, with more responsibilties, i was delighted to have been asked, and more delighted DS was a pageboy

you are making this about you and your needs, when really, it is her wedding and she has done nothing wrong.

OhBling · 08/01/2009 17:38

I think the responses here are a bit harsh, but agree that not being asked to bridesmaid shouldn't be causing this level of upset. is there more history? Why can't you just talk to her? It seems to me (as someone in the process of planning her own wedding) that a lot of the hurt feelings come from people actually trying to be considerate. eg sister thinks that bridesmaids should be young, unmarried girl friends and that you're breastfeeding so probably won't want to be part of the wedding party but wants you to be a key part of it so has your DDs as flowergirls.

was she a bridesmaid at your wedding?

I think you should talk to her. My sister didn't have me as a bridesmaid but she talked to me about it and I understood. Was a little hurt for a few minutes, but quickly got over it.

smurfgirl · 08/01/2009 17:38

I think you should compromise and have the girls there on time, you are involved.

There were loads of people in my parents house on the morning of our wedding - everyone seemed to feel involved!

I can understand why you feel snubbed but many women with a young baby and 2 little ones would not want the extra responsibility of being a bridesmaid so maybe she was sparing you.

Or its complicated family politics, if she had you, she would have to have her DH's sister who is a pain etc.

LIZS · 08/01/2009 17:40

yabu . It isn't unusual to pass over a married , parenting sister as a bridesmaid especially one with a small baby to nurse. Your girls have been chosen in lieu surely. Get there earlier and you can feed the baby while your dd's are fussed over as they get ready. If you don't shake off the cloud then you risk your dd's not enjoying the event .

Original poster

designergirl · 08/01/2009 17:42

trouble is with 3 small children, i'm not sure we can guarantee to be there exactly when she wants. also i have just had a baby (well 5 mths ago)so i am feeling quite insecure and will not like my dh seeing her glamorous bridesmaids.(tho i'll have to put up with that)if my sister had asked me i wld probably have said no, but wld have felt happy that she had asked.i just wanted to be asked i think

OP posts:

squeaver · 08/01/2009 17:47

The most important thing you need to do know is get over your hurt at not being asked to be a bridesmaid. Or your relationship with your sister is going to be permanently damaged.

I know it's harsh but you have to just do as she's asked. Get your girls there when she wants them and be as helpful and cheerful as you can be. When you look back on it, in years to come, you'll be glad that's what you did.

plantsitter · 08/01/2009 17:48

Isn't she including you by asking you to come and help get ready - won't this be champagne girly bride time? I always assumed you didn't have to ask your sister to be a bridesmaid because the closeness of the relationship was assumed, if you see what I mean.

But it seems like there is waaay more going on here than just this issue. Is your relationship with your sister a bit volatile anyway?

squeaver · 08/01/2009 17:50

It's just one day. Yes it's hard with los but - deep down - you know you can do it and you're just throwing up excuse after excuse, when the real heart of the problem is that you weren't asked.

OhBling · 08/01/2009 17:50

DesignerGirl, now you really are being unreasonable. You are feeling insecure and don't want your DH seeing her glamourous bridesmaids?

This isn't about your sister, it's about you. And it should be about her, not you.

And yes, with three children, it can be hard but surely for your sister's wedding you can make it work? Surely you turn up more or less on time for other social engagements? Or, find an alternative solution - ask someone to take the two older ones before you or something?

I think your sister wants you to be part of it but you're finding reasons to be hurt and somewhat passive aggressive.

Original poster

designergirl · 08/01/2009 17:51

we don't have any history, i thought we were quite close. her wedding is in february, i know its her wedding and i shld get over myself. i am trying, honestly, and i don't think i'm being whiny or self obsessed.

OP posts:

Original poster

designergirl · 08/01/2009 17:54

yeah, i accept what you're saying.thanks.i just needed to hear other people's point of views.

OP posts:

chancelloroftheexCHEQUERS · 08/01/2009 17:55

Perhaps she knows you are feeling insecure about your body and didn't want to compound it by asking you to be a bridesmaid? I had a baby 5 months ago too and I'd be horrified if anyone ask me to be their bridesmaid next month

cat64 · 08/01/2009 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flip

1 2