ANOTHER VERY PERSONAL SEX QUESTION

[veryembarrassedmummy]

I am so embarrassed to admit that I can count the orgasms I have ever on one hand- or even 2 fingers, I think.
I am late 40s. Things are not good with my DH and we are in a celibate relaitonship, which may be ending ( my decision) but I want to be able to be sexually fulfilled one way or another, either with a new man or on my own. (lack of orgasm is not the reason for our potential split- lack of sex is a symptom of other stuff going on).
When we did have sex, he was happy to play with me for hours if need be, but I would always have negative thoughts - such as "he must be bored by now" or "why doesn't it just happen", and then almost reaching orgasm- but it would just peter out.
I don't enjoy playing with myself as I feel stupid and self- conscious.
Just HOW do you have an orgasm?
My best friend admits she has never had one in her life- but she isn't bothered. I am. Help me please!

don't have a lot of advice, other than maybe you are thinking about 'it' too much rather than 'feeling' how good it feels to be touched.

spending some time finding out what your body likes on your own would help, as well as a glass of wine (to relax) and maybe an erotic story to get you in the right frame of mind.

i also think the more you 'do it', the more you want to iyswim.

You need to be relaxed and somewhere you are not worried about being disturbed. The bath is a good place. You can buy vibrators for use in the bath or shower if you wish. (they are not big scary willy shaped either, most tend to be some sort of massage type thing).

Make sure you are warm and comfortable where ever you choose to do it.
Try thinking of a scenario that makes you feel aroused and let it grow in your mind. When you are feeling good then you could start touching yourself and experiment with what feels good for you. You may find it easier if you use some sort of lubrication.

Once you are happy and confident about what brings you to orgasm then you can move on to telling your partner what it is that you like. Most men love to be told what to do.

I think finding out what does it for you (on your own) is absolutely key.

I can't touch myself in front of dp because I feel self conscious but I enjoy it on my own. Sexy books help a lot, takes your mind off yourself a bit and gets me in the mood. You can buy a book of Black Lace short stories or something from Amazon. A vibrator will also (probably) give you a much faster o which might be a help if you find your mind wandering.

Get yourself all relaxed, take your time, do whatever to get yourself in the mood (glass of wine, knowing there's noone in the house, nice bath whatever).

How do you actually stop yourselves suddenly thinking "God, I must look ridiculous" or thoughts along those lines?

That is what happens at times and it's like popping a balloon.

maybe a little wine would help with the self concious thoughts for a while.

most men are just happy to be getting their end away that they wouldn't even think about how they look and am sure i've read sumwhere that when a man is turned on, his brain releases a chemical so that he only focuses on your 'good bits'.

as others say, it's important to concentrate on yourself and what you like for a while.

www.literotica.com has some good stories (but some also VERY racy)

Namechanger here

You need to have a couple of glasses of wine to start with.

Then make the room cosy and sexy with low lights etc Ask DH to go for a shower with you and as he is washing himself give him a BJ.

Dry each other off and get into bed and start kissing. get him to touch you intimately with his fingers or use a vibrator on you. Ask him what his fantasies are and if you could do some of them for him. Talk about a threesome (men love this!) or how he would feel if he saw you in bed with another woman!! () Keep touching him and thinking dirty thoughts. Once you start thinking of doing the washing up or shopping list for the week then you have lost it!

It isnt about penetration as such as I can orgasm if DH is inside me or not iyswim.

Keep it going and WHAM!!

good luck

GM
Sounds like the fun would be mainly all his- are you a bloke?

As my great grandmother used to say to me 'A great orgasm is a journey, not a destination'.

In other words, stop worrying about the end result, getting there is the fun part.

LOL! No! Am not a bloke but a threesome turns me on!!

Ah, see I disagree vem. Doing stuff for him is a good way to keep your mind off yourself.

I like a bit of 69 for that reason - if I get into giving dp a bj I find it way easier to relax and enjoy what he's doing to me. I just really concentrate on him and let my body get on with my good stuff.

(namechanging too if it wasn't obvious )

mrsmaidamess had some nusual covos with her great grannie! ine used to say- 'would you like a club biscuit?'

Agree with a drink or two (not too many as counter productive and reduces sensation).

True, but unless you are uber confident you can have worries about your body.

well some people just do. not understanding it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

op - re the feeling self conscious and things stopping for you, that happens to me occasionally. Every now and then i get a picture in my head of what i must look like (legs akimbo and all ) and i lose the moment.
But sex needs to be good for both people (or more if that's what you're into ), and you are entitled to do what you need to to achieve an orgasm.

Although, do you think you have become so focussed on the big o that the whole time you are intimate with your husband you are worrying about coming?

I really would try it on your own for a while first, once you are happy with what you like you can then try things slowly with your husband. Make sure the environment is good for you, soft lights if you want etc. And don't panic about coming, instead focus on being intimate and close to your husband. The rest should follow naturally if you can relax.

If I have heard you right then what's getting in the way is your intrusive thoughts. You may be able to overcome this with a short course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The basis of this would be to train your thinking to reject these automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) ie stamp on the ANTs as soon as they appear.

MMJ - I think I can understand that; if you are self conscious in yourself, you're going to be that way with everyone, including your husband.

What I would do in your situation OP, is the steps that are recommended in relationships where the sex has just faded away, but concentrate on yourself if you see what I mean. If you can't feel relaxed sexually when you are alone with yourself, then you have no chance of chilling out and enjoying sex with another person.

Now, I am only going by memory here, so apologies if my suggestions seem a little trite or daft. But as far as I understand, you need to become comfortable with your body before progressing onto anything sexual, and take it very slowly. So, first start by getting in the habit of being good to yourself, nice long baths with scented oils or whatever you like, read a book you enjoy, eat the food you enjoy. Love yourself in other, non sexual ways. Then slowly experiment with giving yourself massages perhaps when putting on a nice body lotion after aforementioned lovely long bath. Don't concentrate on sexy areas, just enjoy the feel of your skin and take some time to appreciate the body you're in. If there are bits you don't like, fine, but find things you like about yourself and pay attention to them too. After you've spent however much time just doing these things on a regular basic you can start to explore your body in other ways - with no pressure. It's all about the journey as another poster said, so just give yourself a nice massage and progress to whatever feels good.

If you really do have trouble switching off the logical voice in your head, you might have to do these things for a while before you have any joy. But do persevere and give yourself some lovin' even if it doesn't start out sexual. Basically orgasm is when the logical mind is completely shut out, so you might also want to work on telling the bit of you that says 'This must look well daft' to shut up and come back later.

I'm sure if you give yourself the time and remove all pressure to 'perform', you will get there. And it will be wonderful when you do

Thanks all- you have been very helpful.

Anyone else out there like me?

My mind does wander sometimes but I am very with hubby. Just can't only do one thing at once sometimes.

vem - The big O isn't the be all and end all if you enjoy the rest of the sex. For me, an orgasm during sex with my partner is a bonus (a very nice one) but it never happens during penetration without a bit of help. I think if you concentrate too much at the begining you can never really get into it. I take hours of foreplay when im with DP, but can make myself cum in less than a minute (im that good ). I have to be in the right frame of mind. I to have ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) that put me off. The way to get around this is to fantasize - i quite frankly can't cum unless i do. My fantasies are quite off the wall and pretty much impossible but its great to lose yourself in your thoughts, it helps. I find as things are coming to a head, i do have to concentrate almost physically and put some effort into it, either by tensing down there or just i don't know really. I often get frustrated when DP is "playing" as it is difficult for him to get the right pressure in the right place so i will happily push him out of the way and do myself - he quite likes that, being a man! So next time you have a negative thought, try and turn it around, go from thinking "christ i look silly with my legs open" to "blimey, i look like an exotic prostitute, all inviting for my man...." It DOES make a difference.

I recommend Nancy Friday's Secret Garden books - they are a montage of female fantasies and some of them are very erotic, some of them are and some of them are hysterical so at the very least you'll get a good laugh.

You could try porn - works for me!

I have to say though, that because you are in an unhappy relationship, this could be a huge barrier to you letting go. I think you either need to work on your relationship (only you nkow if that is worth it) or find someone who makes you feel sexy for it to work, even on your own

I agree - Nancy Friday regularly gets me going! Also, vibrators take a while with me, whereas a detachable showerhead or positioning myself under the bath tap takes minutes for me to come. Definitely sort yourself out first before you worry about stuff with DH and don't be embarrassed. Have you seen the rest of the posts on this site????!!!!

A second vote for Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden. Also, a rabbit is fab (the kind with batteries, not the kind with fur)

seabright, i now have a very disturbing image of a furry rabbit - its fur all matted

what do you mean position yourself under the bath tap? i think i would have to be a contortionist in my bath, or am i thinking it through wrong?!