ANOTHER VERY PERSONAL SEX QUESTION

[veryembarrassedmummy]

I am so embarrassed to admit that I can count the orgasms I have ever on one hand- or even 2 fingers, I think.
I am late 40s. Things are not good with my DH and we are in a celibate relaitonship, which may be ending ( my decision) but I want to be able to be sexually fulfilled one way or another, either with a new man or on my own. (lack of orgasm is not the reason for our potential split- lack of sex is a symptom of other stuff going on).
When we did have sex, he was happy to play with me for hours if need be, but I would always have negative thoughts - such as "he must be bored by now" or "why doesn't it just happen", and then almost reaching orgasm- but it would just peter out.
I don't enjoy playing with myself as I feel stupid and self- conscious.
Just HOW do you have an orgasm?
My best friend admits she has never had one in her life- but she isn't bothered. I am. Help me please!

Yeah well my builders put the bath tap in a funny position - on the side of the bath, so I just turn it on (I buy it flowers/perfume ;-)) then lie in the bath and splay the old legs. The Best!

I'd forgotten all about Nancy Friday! Highly recommended...

Porn is very good. Written porn, literary porn. I'm not so keen on visual images.

Nicholson Baker's Vox and The Fermata are great reads and sexy too, with an air of Acceptable Literariness.

Read a lot of porn and get really excited before you touch yourself. And do definitely get some kind of massager (not Big Willy type .... so off-putting).

You need to get a positive connection between your brain and your clitoris and I think the best way to start is how others have said with some really good erotic fiction. Most women need a few good fantasies to start the ball rolling.

You need to stop 'watching' yourself and try and lose yourself in the moment. By fantasising you often become someone else and this can be very liberating. Until you find out what turns you on you will find it difficult to achieve orgasm. I also like a vibrator with rabbit ears for when DH is too knackered to spend ages on foreplay, or if his tongue starts aching prematurely (perhaps I should have namechanged before writing this )

I also agree with lucyellensmum, sometimes you need to get a bit of tension into your legs to get to the top of that mountain and jump off the other side.

Oh and Fizzfiend is right a showerhead is probably the quickest way to orgasm ever!

Years ago I couldn't even allow my lovely DH to look at me when I came. I have always been able to (good catholic girl that I was with her hand in her pants) but huge guilt and felt terrible after I had come.

I think I used to let DH masturbate me but I would hide my face so he could see my body (dimmed lights) but not see me as it were.

Agree Nancy Friday is a good read, makes you realise that we all have fantasies to some extent, some more normal than others.

I think you need to learn what you like first before getting someone else to try. I had to overcome major guilt issues re catholicism and being a good girl before realising that my wonderful DH can make me act like a whore without feeling like one if that makes sense.

Now it is all fireworks and orgasms. For ages I couldn't come from sex because I had accepted that I was just to aware of what was going on around me. But one day I realised that I deserved to be able to have fun! I mean, let's face it, men don't look all angelic faced when they come

mrsmaidamess

my great grandmother just taught me to knit

Fizzfiend

how do you get the right bits under the bath tap and not drown?

ah, the side of the bath...ok

For me I hadn't had an orgasm although had had alot of sex. I moved into a rented house to find that the landlord had all channels paid up on cable tv. for the first time in my life I saw a german soft porn film. it was bizarre I was in private and comfortable that the door was locked but I wanted to touch myself and within a very short time I had an amazing orgasm.
I practiced - found out what I liked and didn't like - but it really was important that it came from me. (so to speak)

The next boyfriend I had bought me a nancy friday book for the nights I was alone. Some of it make my stomach churn - much more far out than I could have ever imagined - However some of it did the same as seeing that first film.
Bit by bit I havejust become more comfortable.

Am still not comfortable about DH doing it for me although am now happy to do it with DH in bed "helping".

Enjoy

Please... just for research... can you all describe what an orgasm is like for you?

thanks.

beanie - do you get the feeling that was a killer question

if i am honest I am not sure how I would describe it

It's funny, as I think a lot of women are not even sure when they have. They are told it's some kind of amazing thing and they should be having one frequently if the sex they are having is any good but really I am pretty sure that they are not that frequent for most women!

i think it's a bit like being in love - if you aren't sure you aren't, and if you don't know you haven't iyswim

erotic literature

That and my rabbit (which was a revolution to me) helped me along a lot, I kinda used to be like this years ago when I was really young, but I think as i've got older I stopped caring about what I looked like and started caring about enjoying myself

I suggest ordering a rabbit from Ann Summers, reading some dirty stuff and then having some ALONE time.

See - I never ever get that 'when harry Met Sally' thing. Am I supposed to!?

Hells bells, Hedgewitch - what a filthy site!

I meant filthy in a GOOD way!

Hello. I have name changed.bumping instead of starting my own thread.

Last night my OH told me he is worried that he can't make me climax. For a while now I have been worried about not getting what other people describe. My OH is a wonderful lover, I feel satisfied and he always arouses me but because I am not very vocal in bed I think he thinks I am not letting go enough.

I found this description of an Orgasm online, I get all of this (not every time)up to the bit which says "It peaks (climaxes) ... You feel yourself cross a threshold and explode into release.":

"For a girl (even more than for a man) a climax is an amazing, mind- and body-blowing experience. There's a steady build-up of arousal, of excitement, of thrilling, erotic tension. It becomes more and more intense, then almost unbearable - you feel something has got to happen; finally, for a few seconds or so, it turns into something close to torment. It peaks (climaxes) ... You feel yourself cross a threshold and explode into release. The girl often moans, groans, screams. (It may be less dramatic but just as thrilling, though). For a while she feels as if she's in another world. That's something completely ecstatic about the experience."

I am guessing that everyone's advice will be to masturbate and find out what I like, but to be honest I find it really difficult to get into the zone and so rarely do.

I am not sure if I am even having orgasms now and that worries me, specially now that my OH has talked to me about it. I have explained to him that just because I don't scream and shout it doesn't mean I am not turned on but do you think I'm just not having proper orgasms?

I would take issue with that description

Far too over-exagerrated and I would bet most people don't experience it in such a ridiculously overblown way

I certainly don't

Okay, if you don't know whether you've had an orgasm or not, you definitely haven't. As you have discovered, they are not the be all and end all of sex and it's really not necessary to have them all of the time. But sometimes it is nice. Always remember though...don't get all focused on orgasms...the journey is often as fun as getting there!

The absolute best way to give yourself one is with a vibrator. Once you've done that, you'll understand and maybe be able to climax with your DP. If you order from lovehoney.com, they send you stuff in brown envelope/box from LP Enterprises or something like that so it's very discrete.