Any advice on matters of the heart...long message..sorry

[LouAllisa]

Hi. I'm a new member who often reads mumsnet but this is the first time I've posted. I'm a bit technically-challenged. I wondered if anyone would be kind enough to share their thoughts on this situation. I'm 38 and, while I've always dreamed of being a mum, I haven't managed it, mainly because I've either been single, commitment-phobic or with men who didn't want children. Now, I find myself becoming slightly desperate and I hate myself for it. I feel as if I have maybe two years left and it is my very last chance. An ex contacted me recently and is very keen to try again. We split up the first time (around five years ago) because I felt I didn't love him. However, in retrospect, I think I was incapable of loving anyone at that time. I was very selfish and insecure. I think I have changed a lot. I had some therapy to look at my own commitment issues and I've been single for the last two to three years. I know that in love, and in life generally, there are no guarantees, but I'm so scared about this situation. The guy is a great guy, but I don't know if my feelings for him are as strong as they should be. I would really appreciate any advice anyone might have. Many thanks.

Well if you split up 5 years ago you can't expect to be madly in love with him today.

Why don't you meet up without any preconceptions and see where it goes?

Thanks lilacclaire. I know what you mean. In the past I've always thought that you shouldn't be with someone unless you're madly in love with them. But, the older I get, the more I find myself worrying so much about running out of time. I feel like a pathetic moaner. What I wonder is whether people think you can grow to love someone.

Lots of arranged marriages work really well. I believe that love is a decision whereas infatuation is fleeting and if you both have a common goal and commitment then its up to you two to make it work.

Meet him for a coffee with the expecation he might become a friend.

Meet up with him for sure...it will take a lot more than one meeting though to know your feelings for him.

And remember: do not settle! Imagine the scenario: you have two kids (that you love of course) with a man who you quite like. And that is your life...for ever. Doesn't sound good does it? Do not let the kid thing cloud your judgement. Do not be desperate for kids - I know many women with kids who settled and are now struggling alone as they ended up with dud guys. I know that maternal feeling, but try not to let it take over your rational thought.

Thank you so much for these messages. I feel like crying. In fact, I am. I have kept this to myself and it's so helpful just to hear other people's thoughts. I have met my ex and I'll meet him again. And I'll try really hard not to let this massive maternal urge take over my life and cloud everything else! Thanks!

Please don't settle- I did that, and after 20 yrs of marriage and 2 DCs I am almost on the verge of ending it. I married as I wanted kids and thought time was running out ( it wasn't but I was fed up with failed relationships and was pushing 30- old in those days for a first baby.) I have spent the last 20 odd years wishing I had not married him.
Kids are a blessing and the maternal urge is strong- but better to wait for the right man.
Ask yourself- if you did marry and one of you was infertile- what then? nightmare scenario- you cannot guarantee babies.
See him as a friend, first, but don't force it- and maybe get out more (sorry!!) and try to meet other men- women have 1st babies these days right up to early 40s.
Good luck.

He may be willing to be a good dad without the two of you commiting to each other for life. There are lots of good single parents around.
FWIW I was madly in love when I married and he turned out to be a complete monster of a man! The one good thing to come out of our union was 2 wonderful DCs.
Failing an agreement or romantic partnership have you thought about donor insemination?

Thanks again. These messages are so much appreciated.

I think I am panicking and running away ahead of myself. I met him just last week which was when he told me his feelings and I have us married next week. I think there's something wrong with my head!

I have thought about that scenario - about one of us being infertile - and, to be honest, it terrifies me. But I know it is a possibility. That there are no guarantees. I have tried to meet other guys but nothing has developed.

I had given a little consideration to donor insemination. Not looked into it thoroughly though. Every one of my friends is a mother and, without wanting to sound as if I'm totally feeling sorry for myself, I often can't help feeling as if there's something wrong with me, like I'm excluded from this wonderful club. The scenario mentioned by lessonlearned - about becoming parents without commiting to each other for life - is something I find very appealing. I think this may be part of my lingering commitment-phobic. I am trying to be very honest with him. And with myself. But I sometimes find it very difficult to trust my own feelings, IYKWIM (is this right??). Does anyone feel this too?

Trying to meet other guys- I knowlots of friends in their late 30s and early 40s who have success with internet dating- they might have had to kiss a lot of frogs first, but there are some good guys out there! Maybe give it a go?

well, you should trust your own feelings. give yourself some credit.

can you join up to a dating website and try and meet some more people. that may put your ex into perspective. you might be justifying to yourself why he will be a good match instead of thinking of it objectively? be very careful about lunging headfirst into a relationship.

what were the actual reasons you felt you couldn't be with him in the first place? apart from you felt you didn't love him as much as he did you?

When I was with him the first time I remembering thinking that he made me feel very secure. At the time, I didn't want that and I bolted. I wanted my freedom and independence. I didn't want to be tied down. I was in my early thirties but behaving like an over-grown adolescent really. I have to go out now but I'll say a bit more when I get back in. It's helpful to focus my mind and think carefully about why it didn't work first time round. This is such good therapy! Thanks

Go for it (motherhood) because you know the clock is ticking, LA, just get the sperm by aggreement or arrangement ie don't just become a spermstealer! You sound like your ready for motherhood and if you have the means to support a family - well why not!

Have you thought about why you want a child? I feel sad about the thought of you having a child with someone you are not totally committed too. A child needs two parents where at all possible. I have to declare a bias as I had neither.

I def won't become a spermstealer! If I went down this road, I would do it responsibly.

In response to NAB3 I have thought a great deal about why I would like a child. I'm not sure I've come up with a suitable answer! But again I think the older you get the more you do think about the reasons why you want children because there is an ever increasing possibility that you might not have any. So you are forced to think about what is behind this urge. Is it biological, psychological, egotistical, societal pressure etc? I've thought about all of this.

All my life I've felt a strong maternal urge and desire to nurture and love and provide for a child. And I think if I couldn't have children myself I would look at adopting. I just realise, the older I get, the importance of family, more so than an exciting career or material possessions. I'm not trying to paint myself as some altruistic Mother Teresa figure. There are selfish reasons. I don't understand them all but I do have this massive desire to be a mother and a massive fear that I might miss the chance, and would be consumed with regret. That's a very selfish reason, I know.

I never ever imagined I'd be in this situation, but I do feel quite desperate. It's a horrible feeling and a difficult admission.

I am also having to ask myself whether I am about to jump into something with an ex because of fear that this is my last chance. I think it didn't work the last time largely because I was a relationship disaster zone - very afraid of commitment, afraid of allowing myself to get too close to anyone. This sounds embarrassingly cliched but it wasn't anything he did or didn't do. In other words, it wasn't him, it was me.

I'll def spend some time getting to know him as a new person, IYKWIM, and also to let him get to know me. I have changed a lot from that impulsive, irresponsible, selfish person I was. Thanks again all. Very much appreciated.

Is there a possibility that you think so much that you neglect your feelings? It sounds to me that like lots of us you feel compelled toward motherhood - what's selfish about that, if you've got the means and the love to give a Dc?
You may or may not find a compatible relationship and even if you do, things can change.
I hope you can go with your heart and not your head on this one.

Just wondered what you are thinking of doimg about your yearning for motherhood OP?
Also wondering what others think about going it alone from the getgo as regards motherhood?
Do you need to go through all the relationship stuff to be a mum?

Soz. trigger happy tonight!

I'd say there's nowt wrong with 'settling' if settling means having much wanted children with a lovely man who may just be 'Mr Acceptable'.

I suspect many marriages are like this. I'm 38 too and also childless and the fact is - we don't have forever.

I have an absolutely lovely DP but in some ways, yes I have settled. So have many of my friends. How long are we supposed to wait for Hugh Grant/ George Clooney to waltz in and marry us? I'd rather have a real relationship right now than wait for 'the one' who may or may not exist at some unspecified point in my future.

So many marriages end in break up anyway. I reckon you've got as good a chance as anybody else of making a success of it.

I have a friend of 55 who simply missed the boat and never married or had kids because Mr Right didn't present himself. She has a wonderful, full life but it wasn't what she expected or would have chosen.

Can I also just say! I have noticed that when MNers come on and say 'I desperately want another baby but it's not practical' there is usually almost unanimous support for making it happen and worrying about the practicalities later. Surely us childless ladies should also be allowed this free pass to have kids when the circumstances are somewhat less then perfect? Hope this makes sense?

I absolutely agree MZ. I met the wrong man and would have been willing to give a good relationship everything ive got but I always wanted to be the best mother I could be and the two positions were polar opposite. My relationship now seems like an indulgence of mine that got in the way!
I have to say that I think my children do value their DF in some respects so I always supported their continued relationship with him despite his attitude towards me.
Maybe I should namechange to lessonstolearn?

Hi again. In response to lessonlearned's question about what i'm thinking of doing about my yearning to be a mother, I think I'm going to see how things develop with my ex - see how it goes with us kind of dating again. He is very eager to have a family but we both know that it is five years since we split and that we need to get to know each other again. I think - hope - we will know pretty quickly whether we will want to make a real go at things.

If we decide that we don't want to make a go of it, I think I would consider going it alone. I know it is far from the ideal - after all, no matter how smart we think we are, the vast majority of us are raised with a vision of ourselves married to the perfect man before we have the perfect children.

But I think becoming a single mother by choice is becoming an increasingly popular option for women. In an ideal world - which is not what we have - of course a child thrives most with a good mother and father. But I hear an awful lot of women saying that their partner can be harder work than their child. I think if there is a support structure - parents, good male role models (I think this is crucial) then it is def doable. And in certain cases can be better than the more conventional and traditional set up, especially if the guy is little more than a selfish, over-grown adolescent. A lovely, mature man - that's a different story.

thanks also to MZ for your thoughts. I agree too. I have spent too long already waiting for The One. I know, intellectually, that a dream man is exactly that - a fantasy. I don't want to wait any longer for some unrealistic, idealistic fantasy.

Personally, I think babies are better than husbands so if I were pushing 40 I wouldn't be waiting for Mr Right. I'd be planning a pregnancy.

nkf - lovely message! Made me laugh. I've def given up waiting for Mr Right. It's whether to do it with Mr Pretty Good or go it alone. Any thoughts on that?

Mr Pretty Good sounds okay to me. But then, so does going it alone. Sorry, I'm not much help really. I think people can make good marriages without romance. I knew a woman who had an arranged marriage with someone very unlike her. She was desperate for children. He was a widower with two children. They now have a family of four. It works but they were both realistic and kind and knew their own minds. Good luck with whatever you decide.

But I wouldn't be banking on just the one man. I'd be dating more widely.