Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dilema toyboy lover wants more

34 replies

toyboylover · 07/01/2009 11:52

N1 where are you.

Need advice last night he told me that he wants to see me more, wants to be able to hold my hand in public and do more things together as he really likes me and enjoys my company (not just sex) likes the conversation etc and enjoys holding me in bed. I said that I enjoy being with him to but that I think realistically that I am too old for him, he doesnt think that I am and I said what would people think, he said its not about anyone else but us.

He has told his two best friends and they say go for it if you both get along so what is the problem. I have told one of my best friends and she went mad

So what do you advise that I do as I do enjoy his company very much he makes me laugh, great talker, we like very much the same things the only problem is his age for me.

OP posts:
DaveFromTheBrewery · 07/01/2009 11:54

What's the age gap?

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 07/01/2009 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
toyboylover · 07/01/2009 12:00

He is 20 and I am 35.

Oh yes both free but I have got 2DC. He has been after me for a few months since we where both at the same party and since then we kept bumping in to each other and obviously things progressed from there over the christmas period

OP posts:
Flier · 07/01/2009 12:01

Why is his age a problem for you? why does it worry you? If it is going to cause that much of a problem for you then I think you know what you need to do. Personally,I think, if you both really like each other then where is the harm?

DaveFromTheBrewery · 07/01/2009 12:07

He could be 20 and perfect, or 36 and not perfect. I know people with exactly your age gap (she's older, and they got together when they were your ages), and they've been happily married for years now.

Original poster
toyboylover · 07/01/2009 12:07

I feel the age is a problem for me in the way that why have an older women when he could have some one younger. I am lucky in the way that I look young for my age, plus the fact I have had children so a bit flabby. Even though he finds me very sexy he says I am his ideal figure for a women.

Also worried what people would think like work, neighbours etc if some one was saying that to me I would be like its nobody elses business. Plus the fact he is only couple few years younger than a couple of my brothers.

OP posts:
DaveFromTheBrewery · 07/01/2009 12:08

"why have an older women when he could have some one younger." Because there's so much more to people than their age!

wannaBe · 07/01/2009 12:12

why do you care what people think? It's none of their business.

If you're happy then nobody else's opinion is valid. And if the relationship progresses and you stay together then people will stop casting judgements and start to see things for the way they are.

By not wanting to hold his hand in public or wanting people to know about you two you are making him like your dirty little secret. He's obviously not ashamed to be seen with you in public, so if you are then you need to let him go so he can be with someone who respects him as an equal.

Sorry bo be blunt.

Original poster
toyboylover · 07/01/2009 12:18

oh Dave you are saying excatly the same thing as he was last night. And I know there is so much more to people, I am just worrying too much about what people would say, I think maybe its because of the place I live and work ( very narrow minded) and the fact that I have had a very much publicised divorce thanks to my ex husband, so everything has made me very cautious.

But life is for living and being happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
toyboylover · 07/01/2009 12:21

No your right there wannabe you can be as blunt as you want. He isnt ashamed at all he thinks I am great and I do him, I suppose I dont want to make a fool of myself.

And it has upset me that my friend went mad over it.

OP posts:
duke748 · 07/01/2009 12:21

Ok, I get this. I would probably feel the same as you a little bit.

And I know if it was me and I was just, ahem, sleeping with him with no feelings then I would literally be parading him around for all to see.

Its when you actually start to hope it could be something more that you worry about putting yours hopes out there and then it all going wrong and people thinking 'well, did she really think she could keep a 20 year old? Ha, more fool her!'. And no-one likes to be thought of as an old fool!

How about a good old fashioned compromise?

Maybe say you will start things slowly, rather than a big declaration, and see how you feel?

Maybe hold hands when you go to the cinema? Or in a restaurant a bit out of town? And see how you go from there?

Just tell him its not because you are ashamed of him at all, and you do really like him and you are in it for the long term. You just don't feel 100% comfortable with other people's judgements.

Oh, and I reckon people in the street who don't know you won't take a blind bit of notice! And neighbours etc probably will say 'Get her - a 20 year old! Wow - lucky girl!'

Best of luck, and try to enjoy it!

Duke

xXx

DaveFromTheBrewery · 07/01/2009 12:21

Well - you probably will get comments, and there's no point pretending otherwise. But it won't last - there were comments about our friends, but then everyone just let it be, and no-one thinks at all about the age gap any more.

And it might work out, or it might not, but I think I'd rather try to find out than always wonder what if...

Flier · 07/01/2009 12:38

what were your friends reasons for going mad though? surely there is more to it than age for her to go so mad?

Jenbot · 07/01/2009 12:50

Age ain't nothing but a number.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 12:58

toyboylover i say fair play to you
i dont think that age is the problem
personally i would give others the two fingers
as a divorced mum too one thing i did detect from what you've said (thou don't know whether this is just me tbh)is probably the feeling of uncertainty of where the relationship could possibly be heading
do you want anything serious at the mo?
are you worried about the fall out?
and obviously as this is the main priority what about the dcs?
if things get more serious he'll obviously become part of your family life
how do you think he'll cope with kids bearing in mind that they would probably become attached
sorry for the sensible voice there but have been thinking about this alot at moment too as i'm debating whether to let my BF meet mine

krugerparkrules · 07/01/2009 13:03

toyboylover, for what its worth, my brother met a women aged 20 about 12 years or so older than him, they were married by the time he was 21 (she had one child of 5) - 28 years later they are still married, with two other children, and very happy - we all love, especially me my sil, the age difference has just melted away, and not something anyone remembers any more ...
so it can work if you both want it to ...
wishing you luck!

Original poster
toyboylover · 07/01/2009 13:26

Flier - I really dont know why she got so mad, maybe because she had a few to drink and a couple of things that she did say was that I was always getting chatted up and also that her 16 year old fancied him and she thought it was unfair that I should!!

Duke - I was thinking of maybe asking him if he wanted to go out somewhere this weekend away from here and see how I felt mainly as I dont want him to think I am ashamed of him.

Dave - Very true words there I would rather know than wonder

aseriously - I say I dont want anything long term but I have not had a relationship now for nearly 2 years so feelings could change, and yes worried about the fall etc Yes am worried about DC but then again they are getting older but then I am worried what they would think but that is a future problem if it progresses. How long have you been seeing your bf?

Kruger - thats nice story

OP posts:
Flier · 07/01/2009 13:33

toyboy - sounds like jealousy then on the part of your friend. I hope you stay with this man, if it is meant to happen then it will happen yes, DCs are an added facet to your life, but if you're happy then they will be happy.
Also, if you look in your twenties then I don't think you'll get that many strange looks when out and about with him, as you say, your work and friends may be the only slight problem with acceptance, but again, if you're happy and your kids and bf are happy then that is all that matters.

the very best of luck to you

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 13:35

tbl
only a few months but its becoming quite serious
hes my first serious post divorce relationship
really to continue seeing him he has to be introduced to my dcs(aged 9,6 & 5)as its a LDR and obviously work patterns etc etc
hes divorced too and has dcs

Original poster
toyboylover · 07/01/2009 14:52

Well I hope it all goes well for you

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 17:44

ah bless you!!
you too xx
guess we could both do with some luck?
will be watching this thread and rooting for you
keep us posted!!

allgonebellyup · 07/01/2009 18:46

ok i know its not really the same, but the boy i am seeing is 23 and i am nearly 30, and i do feel a bit funny about holding hands etc in public.
i also dont know why he doesnt find someone younger!!

aseriouslyblondemoment · 07/01/2009 19:02

because he just wants you silly!!

Lucy87 · 07/01/2009 21:20

I note I am the only one saying this - but you are too old for him. You are in entirely different phases of your life. I'm sorry to say so but surely emotionally, I'm not sure you could meet each others needs?

Original poster
toyboylover · 08/01/2009 09:04

Lucy maybe you might have knocked the nail on the head there, cant get things out of my head like the age difference etc. I am going to knock it on the head,yes I do like him and really enjoy his company more than I have anyone of my own age over the past few years but I honestly think the age difference is going to be a big thing for me

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread