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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dilema toyboy lover wants more

34 replies

toyboylover · 07/01/2009 11:52

N1 where are you.

Need advice last night he told me that he wants to see me more, wants to be able to hold my hand in public and do more things together as he really likes me and enjoys my company (not just sex) likes the conversation etc and enjoys holding me in bed. I said that I enjoy being with him to but that I think realistically that I am too old for him, he doesnt think that I am and I said what would people think, he said its not about anyone else but us.

He has told his two best friends and they say go for it if you both get along so what is the problem. I have told one of my best friends and she went mad

So what do you advise that I do as I do enjoy his company very much he makes me laugh, great talker, we like very much the same things the only problem is his age for me.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 08/01/2009 09:12

You are only too old if YOU think you are too old-my son is older than your BF and I cannot imagine him going out with a 35 yr old- but if he wanted to, and she was happy, so be it.

I can actually see itmore form hi pov- if youare an attrative woman- which I am sure youare! - your age is irrelvant to him, and he is having a nice time with you. he is probably not anguishing over the age gap-or even thinking too far ahead. The difference is that you are- which in some ways is proof of the age gap, in that you are thinking of all the emotions involved.

Persoanlly, I could not imagine what a 20 yr old could have offered me when I was 35, even sexually, although when I was 21 I did have a BF of 35- and that worked very well.

I think you need to ask WHY the age gap bothers you- it has got to be more than just a number- it is about life experiences, common interests and values, hopes and dreams for the future, shared senses of humour, and so on.

harpsichordcarrier · 08/01/2009 09:26

I don't blame your bf at all, I think you are being a bit disrespectful to him tbh (sorry to be blunt).
what anyone else thinks is absolutely irrelevant. other people have no idea about your life. they are motivated by their own issues and don't really care about you and what you want.
age really is just a number. give the guy a break and stop treating him like a dirty little secret.
you deserve a little happiness. if it doesn't last, so what? life is too short to listen to other people's judgmental and ignorant bullshit.

toyboylover · 08/01/2009 09:36

He comes across a very mature 20 year old and sexually we get on very well alot better than more mature men that I have slept with.Very caring,attentive likes kissing and cuddling up afterwards in bed

I am thinking about what if he wants more than me, as he is asking to see me more now and got abit upset about when I said I am to old for you.

We have very much the same sense of humour and alot of things in common etc but yes it probably is more to do with life experiences

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 08/01/2009 09:45

tbl
i can understand that you are trying to do the sensible thing here and consider the fallout regarding his feelings
but if you are enjoying the company and er sex then thats good
personally i would just enjoy
besides asking if he can see more of you has he said anything else to make you think he is wanting more from the relationship

toyboylover · 08/01/2009 10:43

Harp - That is very well written and I have taken on board what you have said and you are right I am being disrespectful to him and thats not fair. I think in life to many people are judgemental. Thanks for that.

ASBM - He just keeps telling that he really likes me and just wants to spend more time with me.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 08/01/2009 11:13

well he's not telling you that he wants to move in/marry you?
don't you want to see more of him?
if you're happy with things as they are then keep it that way
you can do this without hurting his feelings
you can use the' mummy' line without being dishonest as after all thats what you also are when its not you time
i think alot of men don't realise this unless they're parents themselves
has he be introduced yet btw?

toyboylover · 08/01/2009 12:16

oh no nothing as serious as that not asking me to marry him.
I would like to see more of him but I am busy working full time and 2 children no I havent intriduced him to them but him and my eldest know each other.

OP posts:
OptimistS · 08/01/2009 12:53

One of my closest friends has been in exactly this same situation. They are now living together.

I will admit that when she first told me, I was a bit sceptical. I couldn't for the life of me see what a 20-year-old boy who'd never left home could offer a single mother of 36 who'd had to fend for herself since she was 16. They were light years away in terms of experience and hardship. However, as she was determined that it was just a bit of a light-hearted fling at the time, plus I come from the background of having married a man 17 years older than me and didn't want to seem sexist/hypocritical, I kept stum.

This was a while ago. He wanted things to get serious before she did. She eventually caught up with him. That willingness to move to the next level may be an age/experience thing as any one who's been through a relationship breakdown is always going to be more cautious than someone whose heart has never been scarred. It doesn't really matter though, as long as you both reach the same point in the fullness of time.

Now, I don't even think about the age gap between my friends. While it's true they come from very different backgrounds and have had very different life experiences, they fit well all on the things that matter. They can talk honestly about things, they enjoy doing the same things together, he has proven himself willing to take on the responsibilities of a man much older than his years, and they enjoy fantastic sex (we all know that nugget about a man being in his prime in late teens/early 20s and a woman being in hers in her 30s ).

Only time will tell if they go the distance, but I don't feel that age would be the central theme if things went wrong. I no longer think of them in terms of an age-gap couple. I would lay money that your friends will go through exactly the same transition, toyboylover.

However, I think you really need to think about why other people's opinions matter so much to you. Is it all about the age gap or are you just not ready to embark on a more serious relationship. If you can't get past the age gap yourself, then as someone else pointed out, the age issue will indeed become a problem.

In your shoes, I think I'd just forget about the age thing and just concentrate on where I saw this relationship going. He has a right to express how he feels and what he wants, but you also have a right to say "I'm not ready for this, let's take it slowly". If you're rushed into something you're not comfortable with, the relationship is doomed to failure anyway, regardless of your respective ages. If and when you are ready to move forward, then please don't worry about people's reactions. Those that care about you will accept it or come round quicker than you think, and those that don't, well stuff them quite frankly. Good luck.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 08/01/2009 14:25

totally agree with optimistS

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