if you cannot forgive your dp for something is it better to leave or stay

[cannotgoonlikethis]

have been married fornearly 20 yrs
dh always worked long hours,this is ok,have done all childcare myself,
dh not been very attentive with family and tends to "do own thing",doesn't communicate much,just gets up and does whatever he wantsetc
can be a bit of a bully
but a specific thing i asked him for help with and he let me down badly, I felt i let dcs down and got very depressed.
he didn't get involved with my depression at all,even tho i stopped eating,sleeping and was distressed.had to make own appts for gp,counsellor etc.he didnt at any point ask how i was.i asked him for help but he said he couldn't do anything.had never been depressed like that before so was very unusual.
thruout our marriage have helped him in every way i could but a burning anger is there now and i don't want to help him anymore,but don't know whether to leave or not,becos of trauma to dcs and don't work[am looking]or whether to try to sort it out.

bump

Can you not go to relate or some such counselling - he really needs to see that he is part of a family now it seems and stop behaving like he is still single with no responsibility whan it comes to interacting with you and the children.

Would he go to relate you think?

no,he definitely wouldn't go.
i'm guessing from only one reply i'm asking for advice on something which only i can choose.
i suppose i'm trying to decide if its easier to stay together and live separate lives or is this contributing to my low confidence and depression,so to gather strength and go,but he'll be extremely difficult if i do go, re dcs.

imho opinion you are wasting your life and teaching your children a very distorted view of what amarriage should be. I would leave - but that's just my opinion.

sorry am with ddf on this
and that's what i did too
you owe it to yourself and your dcs

well i suppose when you've gone thru lots of working and childrearing you think things will be less stressful and improve but i feel when i needed him he let me down and for that i will never forgive him,not becos of what i've done for him,but becos to have not helped me means he has a serious judgement issue,or is selfish and will never change.
i've taken the burden of most things becos ofhis long hours/ stressful job but presumed if i needed him he would be there.when i found this wasn't the case was devastating.
i am not trying to feel sorry for myself,its only now that the dep/post traumatic stress has receded enough to move on,and i still have bad days.
I don't understand how he could have just left me to suffer.I would help an acquaintance more than what he did for me.

sorry x posts
can hear what you're saying.

anyone anything else to offer?

I couldn't put up with the way he is, as someone else said your children are growing up thinking this is the right way to treat people.

Perhaps when he realises how you are feeling about it then he MIGHT realise and want to change? because by the sounds of it he has had a very easy life with you and whilst you have been putting up with it, he has been getting away with it. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Best of luck and its time to start putting yourself first.

well it's very hard to forgive someone when they're not even sorry so if his behaviour doesn't change (ie showing remorse, offering an explanation and commitment to alter his behaviour)i'd say end it.

How old are your kids, just out of interest?

Would you say your marriage is a loveless one, or that there is love but it's a difficult marriage?

If there's all this shit and no love then I would probably want to move on. If you think there is love there still then I would fight tooth and nail to save it.

Marriages can be saved, even when partners have done dreadful disloyal things, but they both have to work at it.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Didn't want to not answer but don't have much advice.

Did you ask him why he didn't support/help you?

If he won't go to counselling about this then I don't see much future in it. I don't know if I could get over it but I am nto in your position and as you said it is a decision only you can make.

As someone else said " it isn't really a great example to your children on how a marriage should work".

I think you should talk to him about the situation and how you are feeling. See what he says, if he thinks the relationship is worth working at. If he was remorseful and did actually change his ways could you forgive? Do you think this is a possibility?

Hope you get better advice than mine and that you can come to a decision that sits well with you.

thank you all for your thoughtful replies.
aseriously,what happened with you?
idobeleive,i think i should sit down and have a proper conv.with him before doing anything~easier said than done as is always unavailable/will not listen if i sound critical which is difficult as i am angry.i'll have to think what the major problem is for me.
blinks,he is not remorseful about anything,[out loud,anyway].His personality is not one of a team player and he doesn't communicate properly.Sometimes tho,he is deliberately difficult and obstructive,an example might be saying we're going to museumetc,me get dc/house organised,then as we get in car andleave say its too late and not going anymore,so we get out of car/i take them alone.I don't think he's ever said sorry to me about anything.
pretty,there is some deep love there as we have been tog altogether nearly 25 yrs but its eroded by our apparent lack of compatibility,
colie,agree need to talk,would forgive him if he was truly sorry,but would also have to stop putting me down all the time etc.He seems to thinklife is a competition so he's never on my side!
Phew sorry so long.When i read what was written it made me cry.

sorry forgot to say dcs 17,15,7
one has serious illness needing prac and emot support.
is there a way of needingto put password in when come on to discussions?am worried who will read this now

Dear CGOLT, it strikes me, even by your choice of name, that you know that something has to give in your life. Perhaps this particular letdown by your husband is a watershed moment for you. I don't have extensive advice but having been on both sides of the fence (as the daughter of someone who's self-esteem has been eroded over time, and then repeating the pattern myself as a wife (now ex thank goodness)) you really need to start thinking about what you want out of life for you. Happiness? Contentment? Respect? Self-worth? Are these things that you can see achieving in your current relationship? If so, great. If not, then what? Is this it for you for the next 25 years? What about when the kids leave home?

Just start taking some steps. They may be small at first, like seeing a counselor once a week on your own, taking a trip, going to the spa, a course, writing in a journal, choosing to speak up to your husband a little more often, whatever it may be. Transition is scary and can often be upsetting but trust me it is better than the alternative. You have commitments and responsibilities, it's true, but you also have your life to life. Take some small steps towards change, and you can make decisions along the way.

Trust me, you are not doing your children OR you any favours if you are unhappy and do nothing to change the status quo. I love my mother and my father very deeply but it saddens me how they have perpetuated bad relationship habits with each other that ultimately make them unhappy. And this HAS impacted me and my brother in our lives. I wish you lots of luck and strength.

hmm i dont know what caused your depression but as someone on the other side, it was right for you to make your own appts.

i did make one or two appts for ex when he was depressed,and anxious, attended gp appts with him and psychologist - but in the end - as they told me - it was his responsibility. making/attending appts did absoutely nothing as he denied he was depressed, or agreed but refused to do anything about it....there was nothing i could do because he was an adult. he was not my child. his responsibility / decision to take anti d's for example. (he only did so after he had a major episode and attacked our son)

he was/is an adult . so are you an adult.

getting out of depression requires a lot from the person and dependence on someone else to make appts etc maybe isnt going to help.

i dont know the whole story here but just wanted to point out that it is very hard on the other side trying to help someone with depression and in the end it is far more helpful they seek their own treatment and take responsibility for their depression as only they can do that, when they are an adult.

he still goes on about how i "never supported him thru his depression" - alternating with "she overreacted when she called 999 for an ambulance" (he cannot have it both ways!!) most of the people he tells that to now say "it was your depression. you are an adult. "

this was reiterated in family therapy to him.

however you are the one doing the childcare and that you feel he is a bully and that he works long hours and you dont see much of him anyway? that part of your relationship does not sound good....

c'estlavie,i think you are being a bit unfair.
I didn't have any issues with not seeking help at all,but the feelings i had were of intense fear and low mood,felt hopeless, replaying problem,unable to eat or sleepthought i would be wasting gps time.In actual fact severe depression is assocd with reduced cognition but in my case it was largely a post traumatic stress problem and discussing it was difficult.
I understand your comments if someone was refusing to get help in any way at all like your husband, in my case i wanted any help i could get,and organised it myself,but was feeling pretty desperate and its been a long haul.I didn't have an issue with taking responsibility for myself.

i think what i'm saying is i desperately wanted help,and altho i did it alone it would have been good if my dh had not ignored what was happening.

cestlavielife?

CGLT, you said you were diagnosed with PTSS, is that right?
Your DH's behaviour sounds like avoidance. not sure what of, intimacy maybe? I'm wondering if he is out of his depth but I don't know how your PTSS/depression manifested itself. It sounds like you were asking him for support but not sure if he knew what that would entail for him? I wonder if he was afraid of getting it wrong and making things worse.
Without knowing more I'm stuck for a more helpful response.

lesson,yes he could have felt out of his depth,most likely in the way that men often want to fix things and if it can't be fixed,don't do anything.
I would like to say,I was only hoping for a chat about it with him for example when i'd been to the gp or about the 1st counsellor i saw who wasn't very good.I didn't expect him to run my life for me,no matter how much inner distress i was feeling.

I don't think he could cope becos i am the one who looks after everyone and suddenly i had this problem.

It could be that this is just the last straw and has shown you clearly that your partner is lazy and selfish and not interested in how you feel. Or it could be that he let you down because some people find it very hard to cope with another person's mental illness and so retreat.
If you feel this bad, then I think you have to tell him that it's counselling or divorce - or arrange counselling (via relate or similar) for yourself, which will help you either work out ways to get your needs met by him in some way or to separate as amicably as possible.

i don't know, i think i'm angry and that is what i'm expressing, and getting it out is upsetting but good.I'm starting to feel a little disloyal now...

A good relationship is one where each partner knows they can rely on the other for support in times of crisis. I'm not surprised you feel let down. Personally, if I were in your situation, I'd feel better about going it alone than feeling bad about what is lacking in my relationship.