if you cannot forgive your dp for something is it better to leave or stay

[cannotgoonlikethis]

have been married fornearly 20 yrs
dh always worked long hours,this is ok,have done all childcare myself,
dh not been very attentive with family and tends to "do own thing",doesn't communicate much,just gets up and does whatever he wantsetc
can be a bit of a bully
but a specific thing i asked him for help with and he let me down badly, I felt i let dcs down and got very depressed.
he didn't get involved with my depression at all,even tho i stopped eating,sleeping and was distressed.had to make own appts for gp,counsellor etc.he didnt at any point ask how i was.i asked him for help but he said he couldn't do anything.had never been depressed like that before so was very unusual.
thruout our marriage have helped him in every way i could but a burning anger is there now and i don't want to help him anymore,but don't know whether to leave or not,becos of trauma to dcs and don't work[am looking]or whether to try to sort it out.

thank you for that,yeahbut.
Altho he is naturally a very passive person, i thought when the chips were down he would be there,and it made it worse becos he wasn't.
I guess, do I accept he prob won't become the knight in shinig armour ,but stay becos he isn't malicious or nasty, just a bit unaware of others and not v communicative,and basically accept him the way he is,while relying on my gfs for support etc or do i think that's not good enough ?
sorry for rambling stream of consciousness!

Im sorry you feel disloyal and I don't think you are rambling - you are making perfect sense to me FWIW.I think you and DH have come to a watershed that could go either way and sharing/venting is a good way of clarifying your position to yourself before making any hasty decisions. I happen to think that shows you are a caring partner.
What you need to establish is whether your DH is reacting this way because he does not care or doesn't know what is required of him - as you say he has never been in this position before and neither have you.

He does sound more ignorant than vicious. If you spelled out for him exactly what was needed from him, and found out exactly what he needs from you, the pair of you could decide together if the relationship still has legs. If he hasn't got what you want, and can't sort himself out, then you need to separate.

it is easy to be unfair when of course i only have snnippets to go by - i was picking up on the "he didnt support me in my depression bit" and it hit a nerve with me - whatever i did do he saw it as not enough...perhaps because of the i just wanted to say it isnt easy "helping" someone with severe depressionm and the person with d may see things differently....but you also said it was PTSD - in which case there was an event of some kind which presumably he knew of therefore could have been more aware of implications - i dont know...

but...you also suggest he is a "bully" and that he will be "difficult" over the dcs...that is a big uh oh,,,, when we worry about what we might do because we anticiapte a negative reaction then things are not good. and for years i did what he wanted to avoid confrontation...or refrained from doing things because of negative reax eg when he left his job was depressed i said why dont you retrain as an xxxxxx -would be shot down "how can you be so stupid" so i made no more suggestions,. so he said i didnt support him in his depression. but anyway that is me and a totally different situation to you.

there must be more to this and responders can only pick up on bits of what you say....

i wish you luck tho in taking whatever steps you need to right now

Hi, I've been through this recently so understand how you're feeling. It's made me reassess our whole relationship but more than anything it's made me realise that I need to be clear about my boundaries i.e. what I'm prepared to tolerate and what I'm not. Any attempts to rebuild the relationship needs to start from there and acceptance and eventually forgiveness will follow.

c'estlavie thanks for replying,it must have been very frustrating to try to help someone unwilling to help themselves.In my period of emotional distress/turmoil i was keen to take any kind of help,from guided self help book from the surgery,to talking to close friends,to counselling and trauma counselling.It all helped a bit but it took a few months for me to be able to control my thoughts etc.Nobody can wave a magic wand and make it disappear just like that but kindness is a help.The ones who were kind to me I will always remember esp a couple of close friends.
The very fact you tried to help,altho unsuccessful shows you were being kind to your ex.

thanks tiredexplorer,do you mean you feel you have been let down in some way,or your relationship turned out to be different than you expected?

lessonlearned,thankyou for reply.I think he loves me but his personality has a tendency to put himself first and to compete somehow in close relationships so i'm not sure if we'll ever have that real closeness i would like.
One good thing is that from being a sahm i hadn't realised i was deferring to his viewpoint all the time[he is sort of passive about taking action but quite dominant about opinions and bossy with me].Becos i don't earn,i seem to have had no power but now after what's happened,i am more my own person.
I make my own choices more ,have been on a couple of courses and am now looking for work.

It sounds like you have been in a rut for a long time but both busy with work and kids. Whatever happened was maybe a wakeup call for you and now you have re-evaluated your relationship you find yourself unfulfilled with that alone?
I'm so pleased for you that you have gone out there and got wider interests. He will either have to keep up or lose the race!

I was let down really badly. Basically I had some post pregnancy complications and H just seemed to become a different person. My only relief from the pain was sleep and I wasn?t getting a lot of that - lost 10kg in just under a week and dealing with a toddler and newborn. He would just roll over whenever DD2 cried despite me begging for help so I ended up doing everything. He ignored DD1 and his only contribution was to get her to and from nursery. Then he went away for work (which he could have delayed for a week) without packing a thing (we were in the process of moving abroad) so my dad had to come over 2 days later (transatlantic) to sort things out and get me and the kids across. In those 2 days I went through hell. I was delirious with pain and the first night I felt light headed, nearly dropped my baby. I was so scared I had to get a friend up in the middle of the night to come over to keep an eye on us.

Went straight from airport to hospital and was put on IV morphine for the pain. Ended up having surgery a couple of days later and was in recovery for several weeks. Don?t know what I?d have done without my parents. When he got home, no apology, no sign of remorse, he didn't even think to ask how I was etc. He was only interested in sex.

I spent the next couple of months harbouring intense feelings of anger, resentment and rage. He didn't want to talk about it because he said I was beating him up about it. Basically, I lost every ounce of trust in him and like you questioned the future of our marriage. Not getting an apology was like being told that there was nothing wrong with his behaviour. I?ve thought about it and come to the realisation that he rarely if ever apologises when he hurts/upset me.

I?ve told him what I will not put up with and that things have to change. I haven?t set a time limit, I just said ?I?ll know when you?ve had long enough? and after that if things aren?t better then he?ll be getting the boot! I?ve also stopped engaging him when he upsets me and I just walk away now. I?ve stopped enabling his bad behaviour e.g. when people are around and he tries to play happy families I let him know it?s not on and when anyone asks what?s up, I tell them which inevitably leads to him having a sheepish look about him. It seems to me that he doesn?t really like the consequences of his actions so I?m not going to shield him from them anymore. I?m only just starting to feel human again but it?s a shock to the system going from ?knowing? you could rely on someone to realising that when it matters you really can?t overnight. Hope that helps.

Having read this it sounds as if there is no real comminication in your relationship. I agree with the person that said you can forgive really dreadful things but you need some aknowlegment and possibly an appology first.

I also wonder if you are now questioning yourself too - it sounds as if you are. We enter into marriage thinking the other person will treat us in the same way we treat them - but they are different and until problems arise we have no idea how we will handle things.

I now know my own boundaries and it is no longer unconditional love just because i have made a promise - i have set them out and my h has a better idea of what will and will not accept.
We are now a great team and it is wonderful to have the feeling of strengh from working things out together.

Hope you can sit down and in a way start afresh with your new set of rules.

Please dont stay in a relationship for the children - my parents did this and know my dad is my muns carer - they have little respect for each other and i am sure if either of them had thought this is how it could end up they would have sorted it earlier.

Also you need to learn to forgive - this may need you to get rid of your anger first - but you must be able to not always refer back to the time when he wasnt there for you otherwise you may as well not go forward at all. Tell him how you feel and hopefully you can get past this.

Good luck

yes,absolutely tiredexplorer i very very much relate to your story,thankyou,and huge sympathies.will leave proper message later as have to leave pc this am xx

yes,happywoman,wise words and thankyou.

Are there other ways you can boost your self-esteem without having to rely on him?

Sounds to meike he's been allowed to get away with this behaviour for so long that he will just continue to get away with it and will be very hard to change, so rather than expecting him to change could you make some changes in your own life (Maybe not as dramatic as leaving him) which whill boost your self-esteem and also stop him from being able to rely so much on you supporting him?

yes am trying to redevelop my own interests and have been on couple of courses, now very keen to get back to work.
It sounds ridiculous now but i just did everything at home since he wasn't at home much,and the situation developed from there.
tbh today i feel annoyed with myself for letting myself become so downtrodden i suppose i thought it would all work out in the end and it hasn't.

the basic problem is he is so much more intent on having his own way over everything than me,i've been eroded into a sort of nothing.The balance of power is totally skewed and in the end disaster pretty much struck.

I think it could all be saved still, with some commitment from both sides. But you can't do it unilaterally.

thanks for comments.
have felt bad today,the remnants of what i had before with thoughts i can't get rid of am going to try to sleep it away and hopefully better tomorrow