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Original poster

If your DH works long hours, how do you deal with it without becoming resentful?

33 replies

Bramshott · 07/01/2009 10:23

DH works outside the home and I work freelance from home, stopping when the DDs come back from school/childminder at 3.30. His work 45 mins away so in theory if he left befor 6.30, he'd be back at a reasonable hour and would see the girls before bed. However, he's rarely back before 7.30-8.00 and I am struggling with this a bit. This means he often sees DD1 (6) but almost always missed DD2 (nearly 2). He doesn't see them in the morning either as he's gone before any of us get up.

I really don't want to nag and to add to his pressures, and I know he wants to get home earlier, but I can't help feeling a bit aggrieved. I know how difficult it is to walk out of the door if others are still there and there is work to be done, but I would so like him to be home a bit earlier and so would the DDs. DD2 is finding it particularly hard after having him around over Christmas. And I can't quite get rid of the nagging feeling that if only he were a bit more disciplined and said "right, I have to leave at 6.30", he could do it - after all, if you have to pick kids up from childcare you have to leave at a particular time don't you? But then of course he works hard, and is gainfully employed (which is all good in this day and age) and I don't want to make him feel worse than he probably already does.

Sooo, how can I avoid feeling resentful about this? Do I just need to put up with it and not expect him back before 7.30, which means the DDs don't really see him in the week? Any wise advice? There must be loads of us on here in the same boat!

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 07/01/2009 10:25

My DP leaves at either 7.20 am or 8 am (depending on school drop offs) and I barely see him in the morning.

He usually gets home between 7.30 and 8 pm.

I think he works brilliant hours - much shorter than most people I know. So I don't feel aggrieved or resentful at all.

PestoMonster · 07/01/2009 10:29

I think you do just have to put up with it, and make the most of the times when he is around.
My DH sometimes has to work 7 days a week for months on end and we just grit our teeth and get on with it. We know that it won't last forever and when he does cut back to 6 days' working we are just jolly grateful and make the most of his day off.

I think, you just have got to make the best of things. It could be worse, some people haven't got jobs to go to.

2k9kids · 07/01/2009 10:30

This is probably not going to be a lot of help to you, but I was in the same situation when we lived in London. DH could have got home to see DS and help with bedtime etc, but most days didnt. I felt similar to you and simmered with a bit of resentment because I knew he could be there but usually wasnt.
We moved away over a year ago and now have Ds2 as well. Due to DH's commute now he is never home before 8pm and it would be impssible for him to be home to see Dc's.
Stragely enough I actually find it so much easier now to just get on with things and dont resent it at all. Yes its hard work dealing with 2 under 3's from 7am to 8pm on my own but I just manage really.

I guess you could speak to him about it and agree that maybe one day a week he could leave in time to see the Dcs and make sure he sticks to it and then you never nag about the other days in return?
If thats not possible, then can you try and mentally get your mind around the idea that he cant be there everyday as a rule and just sort of think of the fact that he works so close by as a backup in case kids are ill or you are etc?

Sorry if no help!

littlefrog · 07/01/2009 10:30

Mmm. have the same problem, though before Christmas much worse - leaving 7, getting back 11-12ish.
my problem is that DH hates this situation as much as I do, and so expressing my resentment of the fact that he's not around to see DS/help out just adds to stress. TBH if my DH could always be home at 7.30 I'd be happy as larry!
Not much help, I know, and I do sympathise with the feelings of resentment...

lulabellarama · 07/01/2009 10:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

2rebecca · 07/01/2009 10:40

I think it depends on whether he works those hours through choice or necessity. If through choice then in the current economic climat you just have to accept it. He won't be enjoying it either, and you do sound as though you're taking it personally. In a better economic climate he could look for a different job.
If he has a choice he could leave earlier, but it sounds as though you are making assumptions about his colleagues having the option to leave earlier if they have paid childcare that may not be true. Alot of jobs are unofficially closed to people with inflexible childcare arrangements.
I couldn't finish my job earlier no matter how big a tantrum my husband makes. He knew what my job was when we got married.
Could you move nearer his job? It doesn't sound as though you work, so that would give him another 1 1/2 hours a day with you all.

Dropdeadfred · 07/01/2009 10:40

If it's possible why not usggest just one nigt to start with where he will leave on time to see ds2. So that on a wednesday for instance he can get back in time to see them both before bed and do the bedtime stories etc
this can be daddy's night with the boys and is unbreakable .

sweetgrapes · 07/01/2009 10:41

Dh works long hours too. Leaves before the kids are up and gets home well past their bedtimes 5 days a week.

Don't really resent it as I just accept it. However, I hate it when he's working from home on the computer all day sometimes at the weekends.

That I really resent and make sure he knows it - not that he can do anything about it! So I'm not a big help really

He's on support nights and weekends in rotation with the rest of his team so it happens regularly. The worst thing in that is that the kids think he's home and want to play and I have to keep them occupied elsewhere and they're not happy with me as they know he's in th house.

ComeOVeneer · 07/01/2009 10:47

Same boat here. DH is in insolvency so we obviously thank our lucky stars he has a secure job (even if it is due to others misfortune [sad). However it has meant a previously busy job has become crazily busy (plus he is working towards a partnership so needs to be seen to doing as much if not more than he can). It means the children never see him in the week and sometimes I don't either. He has worked there for about 10 years so I am used to it. I simply don't factor him into childcare if he is home in time to help out it is a bonus (although it usually results in the children getting over excited and harder to get to bed).

My gripe is not nowing if he will be home for supper, resulting in a lot of portions ending up in tupperware in the freezer

MorocconOil · 07/01/2009 10:47

My DH works long hours often having to stay away overnight somewhere at least once a week. I do get very stressed from time-to -time as the DC hate him being away and take their frustration out on me.
However I try to keep in mind that if he did not have this job, then I would have to go to work and our lives would be even more stressful.
On a practical level, I try to cook in bulk, so we can have quick easy meals on the nights he is away. I sometimes go out for tea with the DC and try to make things as easy as I can in general while he's not there.
It is difficult, but being resentful makes the situation alot more hard for everyone involved.

honestfriend · 07/01/2009 10:49

Does he have a choice? Does he work those hours because it is a) necessary or b) be chooses to.

Can he not get back early on say 3 nights a week as a compromise?

Have you discussed it at all? If so, what has he said?

If he feels his job would be on the line if he left earlier, then you have no choice if he is the main bread winner, but it could be an issue he needs to discuss with his boss and see if the whole work-culture can be made more family friendly- I guess it depends on what is "normal" in his line of work and if he would stick out like a sore thumb if he left at 6.30.

Does he know how much it upsets you?

My DCs are much older but when they were tiny, a 7.30 pm coming home time was normal for us and my DH was often overseas. I just got on with it, but found it hard as one child was very difficult.
You have my sympathy- but you need to talk to him about it.

Original poster

Bramshott · 07/01/2009 10:50

This is useful (and a good reality check for me ). I know there are lots of people out there whose DH's work even longer hours. I think my problems stem from the fact that as 2k9 says I know he could be there but usually isn't. Maybe I just need to never expect him home before 8.00, and tell the DDs he won't be, and then if he is, it's a nice surprise.

OP posts:

cazboldy · 07/01/2009 10:52

Have you talked to him about it Bramshott?

I know when dh and me weren't getting on so well, it was aviscious circle - I was pissed off with him for not being there enough, but because I was moody with him, he avoided coming home......

Dropdeadfred · 07/01/2009 10:52

could he not do the one night a wekk option then?? could he tell his work that YOU are working that night and he HAS to be home?

TheCrackFox · 07/01/2009 10:52

DH is a chef and works 12hrs+ a day 5 days a week. I am used to it now and TBH I find the whole bed time routine so much easier when he is at work. The DCs get so excited to see him that it is impossible to calm them enough to get them into bed.

I just don't figure DH into childcare at all.

Being resentful is such a negative emotion and can erode a relationship. Perhaps you could ask your DH to make an effort one day a week?

BonsoirAnna · 07/01/2009 10:54

Top tip: if you want your DH to come home earlier, make sure you are very welcoming when he does arrive. Ten minutes of attention and being cherished can make all the difference to him wanting to come home or not

Original poster

Bramshott · 07/01/2009 10:55

Sorry, more posts while I was posting. Honestfried - I guess that's the crux of it - choice or necessity. I don't think his job would be on the line if he left at 6.30, and I know that there are others who leave earlier (because of childcare committments, although I think they are resented for it). BUT of course there is still work to be done, and he usually works at home after dinner too.

He is often home at exactly 7.30 which means he has already missed DD2, and sometimes I think that he might as well stay at work for longer if he's going to miss them anyway, and then come home earlier the next day, but I guess it doesn't work like that.

I'm lucky in that my work is freelance now, but I do remember what it was like to work in an office and to feel that you couldn't leave. But I suppose I did hope that he might be more disciplined about it once we had kids. Oh God, this is really all about me and my issues isn't it!!

OP posts:

TeeBee · 07/01/2009 10:57

If you feel that he could be home earlier but chooses not to, maybe you could give him teh highlights of the day and say things like ' oh, you would have love it', 'I'm sad you missed that, it was hilarious'. Try and make him realise all those little moments he misses.

But maybe embark on it after the credit crunch has resolved itself because by working hard he may be making himself in a more stable position.

cazboldy · 07/01/2009 10:58

No Bramshott - you shouldn't feel bad for feeling like this xx

Original poster

Bramshott · 07/01/2009 11:02

Thanks Caz! I am really NOT good at confrontation, so I have not talked to him about it much, although I always make a big deal about how great it is when he's home earlier. We did have a confrontation about some other stuff over the holidays (how hands-on he is with the girls when he is here) and that seems to have resolved itself, so I am wary about tackling too many issues all at once!

OP posts:

honestfriend · 07/01/2009 11:07

Just talk to him- saying what you feel does not equal confrontation- it is feeling an equal, in the relationship, and expressing your needs.

If yousay it makes you unhappy, rather than saying he is "not disciplined" it gives him the choice of pleasing you and showing he cares- or not.

The bigger question is- why would he rather be atw ork than seeing his DCs at bedtime?

Why does he work at home after supper- is he avoiding you and family life? Is he withdrawing? is it about power and control?

Lots going on there - you need to talk about it openly to him and not be so scared of saying what you want. If you nver ask, you never get!

Original poster

Bramshott · 08/01/2009 10:09

I think for the time being I am going to go with a combination of (a) not expecting him home before the girls bedtime; (b) being really pleased when he comes home early; and (c) regaling him with highlights of the day as TeeBee suggests, along the lines of "you would have really loved it when DD2 did this".

His work is very important to him and he's doing well at it and fairly recently been promoted (although the hours were just as long before the promotion) which is great - my work is important to me as well, just my kids are more important.

OP posts:

BlueCowBackToWondering · 08/01/2009 10:30

Bramshott, your op rings so true...

But I would hesitate to do the 'you missed this' as it would add to his guilt about not being there as much as he wants. A 45 min commute is tiring/ boring/ stressful anyway, so the last thing he needs is a reminder of what a waste of time the commute is when he could have spent the time at home.

Resenting it, as you've already pointed out, just makes you feel worse.

I think you're doing the right thing by telling him how lovely it is when he is home early etc. And there are weekends too.

My dh is usually back home 7.30-8.00, and it is hard if you've had to do all the tea/ homework/ bathtime/ reading yourself, and then try and have an adult conversation.

Picante · 08/01/2009 10:32

You lot should be grateful. 7.30pm is early! Dh is never home before 8.30pm, usually 10-11pm. So there. Ner ner ner ner ner.

wammywotz · 08/01/2009 10:41

Ask him to leave at least one day a week on time and to be home to share some family time. It is hard and stressfull to ask and for him to agree as he has set a pattern. But it is possible. Take it from there and maybe he could manage 2 days a week, to come home earlier, in a few months.

If you freelance yourself, try and make one day (or half a day) clear for yourself to do all the domestic work (shopping, cleaning, paperwork, changing the beds etc - whatever), so you don't end up doing it at the weekends, when you can be doing fun stuff altogether.

There are many families who are in the same boat. It will get better. Mantra chant.

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