If your DH works long hours, how do you deal with it without becoming resentful?

[Bramshott]

DH works outside the home and I work freelance from home, stopping when the DDs come back from school/childminder at 3.30. His work 45 mins away so in theory if he left befor 6.30, he'd be back at a reasonable hour and would see the girls before bed. However, he's rarely back before 7.30-8.00 and I am struggling with this a bit. This means he often sees DD1 (6) but almost always missed DD2 (nearly 2). He doesn't see them in the morning either as he's gone before any of us get up.

I really don't want to nag and to add to his pressures, and I know he wants to get home earlier, but I can't help feeling a bit aggrieved. I know how difficult it is to walk out of the door if others are still there and there is work to be done, but I would so like him to be home a bit earlier and so would the DDs. DD2 is finding it particularly hard after having him around over Christmas. And I can't quite get rid of the nagging feeling that if only he were a bit more disciplined and said "right, I have to leave at 6.30", he could do it - after all, if you have to pick kids up from childcare you have to leave at a particular time don't you? But then of course he works hard, and is gainfully employed (which is all good in this day and age) and I don't want to make him feel worse than he probably already does.

Sooo, how can I avoid feeling resentful about this? Do I just need to put up with it and not expect him back before 7.30, which means the DDs don't really see him in the week? Any wise advice? There must be loads of us on here in the same boat!

We have the same problem, dh's commute is an hour and twenty minutes, so he leaves before dd and I get up every day, she is 20mo. He very rarely gets home before 8pm, and often has overnight stays. (I tried to be understanding when he phoned me from a black tie dinner last night and I was trying to soothe dd's belly ache ).

I understand the pressures of his job, he is relatively senior, which means he has to put the hours in, and even if he leaves at 5, he still doesn't get in until 6.30pm, and then he has the internal struggle of people's perceptions if he leaves at 5pm.

The biggest issue we have is because he rarely sees dd during the week, she is very much a mummy's girl, and at the weekend, when he is there, he wants her to be all over him. And she's not. Which is difficult because he feels rejected and gets upset about it.

I just try to deal with it and accept it. He was like this before I married him, and I actually used to work in the same office as him before we got together, so I was fully aware of what he is like at work, and his 'tunnel vision'.

It does piss me off though, I'd be lying if I said it didn't, particularly as I work 9-5 four days a week with an hour commute myself!

I was pondering this last night as dh does work long hours (and more so recently due to staffing shortages). However, he's with us in the morning - I drop him at work on the way to nursery, school etc - and he's home around 7 most evenings unless it's his evening on in which case he's home between 9.30 and 10pm. In around 7 means he can have 10 mins with the baby and sees the older two, often gets them in PJs etc.

The fundamental difference is that we live a 15min (max) walk from his work. The commute is negligible. I read recently about maximising work/life balance and being environmentally friendly is to work close to where you live or live close to where you work. It works for us.

TBH I would consider time spent commuting (all these hours on trains and buses people seem to do!) as significant 'me' time - listening to music or the radio, reading a book or a newspaper and I would expect serious family contribution whenever dp were home in these circumstances.

Wow, I know this is an annoying comment, but dh leaves at 6 am most days and rarely gets home before 8pm, sometimes later. He works in London and we can't afford to live there; anyway he's often working in different places - London now, at one point it was Edinburgh, Miadenhead... Dcs are older than yours - 14 and 8 - but when ds was little dh often didn't get in till after 9pm. And I also have a full-time job, though I set my own hours, it's 56 hours per week. What's more, we don't have any childcare (can't afford it - dh isn't especially well-paid). It can be done!!!

IMHO, the best idea is to plan little pleasures for yourself and also for the dcs. Cooking. A shared dvd. A game. Whatever works for you all. Save up one tiny treat per day till after all the hard work has been done.

The worst bit I think is when dh finally gets in and I feel annoyed that I don't now feel as happy as I expected! Have learned to accept that he's a person and not a god.

It's difficult isnt it. I have 3 dcs and my husband leaves at 4 am and sometimes comes home as late as 11pm. His job means this isnt through choice but he can go all week without seeing the kids.

I just tell myself we're lucky he's bringing home the rent money and think about holidays and other luxuries we have which other people can't necessarily afford.

The compromise in our house is that if I've had a bad day (ds answering back, dd1 being naughty and dd2 crying all day) no matter how late he gets home, HE makes me a cuppa and listens to me winge without saying a word about his 16 hour shift

You see, my dh comes home and wants to sit down in peace and does absolutely f*ck all. Most nights I'm upstairs trying to settle dd to sleep, and he doesn't even do the dinner dishes. I end up doing them the next morning before I go to work, in the midst of trying to get us all dressed, breakfast-ed and out the door by 7.50am.

I didn't realise how much it bothered me until I started typing this!

It's 30 years since my father died.
I was 12. He was only just 40.
I have not x posted. Think about it.

Enjoy your family, there is not right or wrong in this. Just get a balance.

Wammy - it's 34 years now since my father died, and yes, perspective is important, but that doesn't mean that niggly issues magically go away. If anything it makes me more determined to fight for a work/life balance for my family that works for everyone.

I don't - I get resentful. I am currently on maternity leave but WOHM FT. I collect the children from the childminder every night as I have the car (DH cannot, and will not learn, to drive) ubless I make a prior arrangement with DH usually requiring 2 days' notice. I also earn more money than him, principally because I work in the private sector and he in the public. Every so often I either lose the plot or (if I'm sensible) discuss it with him calmly and he changes for a few weeks. Then it gradually erodes again.

We now have an arrangement that he comes home in time to help out with the DCs bedtime, but he often then works at home in the evening.

I am no help to you at all - writing this has made me realise I need to sort this out with my DH.

Pagwatch, can I borrow your DH to teach mine how it should work?