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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Therapists/people to make you feel good

41 replies

jelliebellie · 06/01/2009 23:36

Today my "charming" ex-dp sent me some rather abusive emails one of which prompted this user name (name changer, regular but don't want it linked to other posts) as he said one of my faults is that I am too fat.
I am supposed to be going to the gym but it has been neglected over the last few weeks. I began explaining this to my workmate today and she told me not to beat myself over it. He had no right to dictate my weight or anything else about me.
We have had a lot of ups ad downs, more downs than up but I still feel quite gutted. We just had a holiday and I had the feeling that he was boiling up to something but he refused to admit it on holiday. He wanted us to have a baby but I admit I was praying that I didn't become pg. I didn't- thankfully. I wonder if this

Back two days, and now this. He reckons that I owe him money, that I've lied to him about various things (I haven't but of course you only have my word for that) and for each "lie" he is going to charge me £10 - I am not going to pay him this. In addition to this, we rowed before we went on holiday and to pacify him, I had to pay him £200 as a good beheviour bond. He said he'd repay this on the day we flew out. He repaid me £170 and when I queried the short-fall, he said it was in two instalments. Now he is refusing to pay the rest as he he says I had a strop at the airport and I'd wasted money going on the internet. most of the money was in fact spent on food and he insisted on me using the net. I do remember being stressed after the hassle of check-in and I bought him a drink, as he likes a drink before he flies. It wasn't a strop though.

He also took exception to my sister buying a Wii before Christmas as he'd bought my dauhghter a Nintendo DS Lite but I asked him to take it back as I felt it was too expensive for her to get from him. He did so and I bought one for her myself as he threatened to tell my daughter she would have had a DS but for me. He now says I should have stopped my sister buying a Wii (it is for everyone to use) as I 'd made him return his gift. I feel it's a bit different an auntie buying an expensive game to a rarely-seen bf buying one. I asked to buy the games off him so he wasn't put out. He seems to have forgotten that.

He is so angry with em but I honestly can't see what is so wrong with him that he can't see that I am not lying to him. My weight is a problem but I gave up dancing as he didn't like me being too close to other men. He cancelled my gym membership and now he calls me too fat. Go figure?

I can't talk to the Samaritans as they have better things to do but I don't know who else to speak to. I was sittig sobbing in my kitchen just now. I am such a mess.

OP posts:
jelliebellie · 06/01/2009 23:36

And I forgot to ask for recommendations of people I can talk to .

OP posts:
dittany · 06/01/2009 23:39

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Ronaldinhio · 06/01/2009 23:50

oh!!!!

What a bloody arse.

Dittany is spot on in what she says. Please don't take it to heart

lessonlearned · 06/01/2009 23:51

Well jb you are well rid of him and his childish immature behaviour.
You already have at least 1 DC you don't need him to compete for your attention.
Count the money well spent for your freedom from this eejit.
It's not nice being called names but think of it this way - it says far more about him than it does about you!
What a loser!!!

lessonlearned · 06/01/2009 23:56

Oh and sorry but I don't think you need a therapist - just stop listening to shite like that!

dittany · 06/01/2009 23:59

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jelliebellie · 07/01/2009 00:02

It was when he called me jellybelly that I had enough. He offered to take me on holiday but apparently I only did this to get his money and I am badtempered, unbalanced and mentally ill (from smmeone with no little or no medical knowledge). He berated me as I didn't finish off some jobs in my flat that he said he'd do. Called me lazy.

he offered me a way back if I took annger management courses and paid him money.

I told him to stick it up his arse I must admit.

I won't go on as people will think I'm a troll .

How can people be so unkind though? Perhaps he was fooling me but I thought he loved me.

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dittany · 07/01/2009 00:09

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lessonlearned · 07/01/2009 00:14

Well his true colours certainly showed through in the end. Imagine your DD had heard him talk like that. I once heard of a 6yr old who shouted at his mother that she had a belly like a cheesegrater. Now I don't think he picked up talk like that in the playground, do you?

jelliebellie · 07/01/2009 07:21

He texted me last night that he had some games for my daughter's DS and when could he give them to her?

I told him to leave me alone so I got another insult.

I think it might be the end of it now but I am thinking of changing my phone number. I think it as he didn't get me pg on holiday and this is to be extra cruel.

Well, sod him .

OP posts:
honestfriend · 07/01/2009 08:39

Is he your ex or not? I am confused...

IF you were having unprotected sex with a view to possibly getting pg- how is he/was he your ex?

I cannot beleive that you allowed yourself to do this, or get into a situation where you were "fined" for "bad" behaviour!!!

I disagree withthe tohers- you need help- not from the Samaritans, but from a therapist or counsellor of some sort who can teach you to be assertive and have more self-respect.

search www.bacp.co.uk

jelliebellie · 07/01/2009 09:38

As of the last week or so we were together although I was having doubts. We had a holiday last week and we got back on Sat. He went home on Sunday and Monday he emailed me an abusive email with several demands in it which I wasn't prepared to go along with as I thought they were unreasonable. As soon as I argue with him I am told that i have a bad temper and need sorting out. That's as maybe but two sides to every coin...?

I said 'ex' in my OP as I can't honestly consider that to be the actions of a loving man but when we were trying for the baby, I thought we were 'together'. when I got the email yesterday, it was back to the bad old days. He must have been planning this all last week and over Christmas.

OP posts:
pollywobbledoodle · 07/01/2009 10:04

stay out of contact with this man!

see a therapist to help you stay focussed on staying out as he ups the ante to make you feel shite while he attempts to stay in control.

get friends and family onside if you can

you won't change this man and his controlling and abusive ways and its not your job to change him.

imagine if he wormed his way in and started treating your daughter as he treats you....i haveno doubt that that would be the next step....

Cartoose · 07/01/2009 10:07

I think you need to take control and decide for yourself if you want to him to be your ex or not, then work from there.

If you have made up your mind that he is, in fact, your ex then don't jump to his attention every time he texts or calls you. Just ignore them and e-mail him when YOU want to speak to him about something (keep it factual and try to keep old arguments/emotions out of it).

Whatever you decide, you need to work on your self esteem as it sounds as if you have put up with a lot of rubbish from this man.

I know of a good counseling service in my area but I don't know where you are.

... and
"we rowed before we went on holiday and to pacify him, I had to pay him £200 as a good beheviour bond"
Whatever you do, don't fall for this again!

Oh, and I'm sure your belly is fine

jelliebellie · 07/01/2009 10:20

I live near London/Essex Cartoose.

OP posts:
Cartoose · 07/01/2009 10:56

Quite far from me then. The lady I see is in Hampstead. Sorry. Hope someone else can recommend someone closer. Your GP might be able to recommend someone local, that's how I found my great therapist.

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/01/2009 15:44

"Good behaviour bond?"

I'd have left him there and then.Controlling, toxic fuckwittage of the highest order.

Fizzfiend · 07/01/2009 17:05

I think you're better off out of there, but also I wanted to say that I haven't exercised for two months due to colds, etc. Today I went on the Power Plates - it's only 25 minutes and you're done - I have been fed up/verging on depressed for a number of reasons. Well I walked out of there feeling like I'd had 2 double vodkas and the feeling has pretty much stayed all day.

Maybe try it out if you can or at least go for a small run/whatever exercise you like, but make sure you sweat. Those exercise endorphins can really change your mindset.

I could have been crying all day today for reasons that are too convoluted to go into but I have been upbeat.

dittany · 07/01/2009 18:50

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jelliebellie · 07/01/2009 22:50

I think you are right Dittany. I've already caught myself trying to normalise his behaviour so I've given myself a verbal slapping. I've read other posts on here about men commenting on their partner's weight and he has no right to talk to me like that even if I am overweight (who isn't this time of year?). I think he's been playing games - taking me on holiday and planning this all the time. That's sneaky. I'm going to join the gym in my own right as something he said about he was going to get me x y or z but I 'messed up' rang some bells for me.

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DippyDino · 08/01/2009 11:15

The sort of shite he's pulling makes my dh furious!

I have been every size from a (very twig like) size 6 to a size 18 and never once has he ever said anything negative to me about my size (don't think he ever even thought it tbh)

Nor has he ever demanded payment for good behaviour (WTF?!!)

He's playing head games with you. Hate to think what kinda childhood he had tbh, but there again he might just be an arse, because he can get away with it.

FWIW, I luuuuurve the gym, didn't at first but now I adore having some me time and a good work out, then a nice swim.

Have a consultation with the personal trainers (usually free) and get a programme sorted, ask them how to use the equipment, get stuck in and watch your confidence soar

< gets down off soapbox>

jelliebellie · 08/01/2009 12:20

Thank you . I keep re-reading this thread to keep my resolve bolstered.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 08/01/2009 12:31

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dittany · 08/01/2009 12:49

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Cartoose · 08/01/2009 13:55

Just popped in to say hope you're ok Jelliebellie. Bolster that resolve!

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