Therapists/people to make you feel good

[jelliebellie]

Today my "charming" ex-dp sent me some rather abusive emails one of which prompted this user name (name changer, regular but don't want it linked to other posts) as he said one of my faults is that I am too fat.
I am supposed to be going to the gym but it has been neglected over the last few weeks. I began explaining this to my workmate today and she told me not to beat myself over it. He had no right to dictate my weight or anything else about me.
We have had a lot of ups ad downs, more downs than up but I still feel quite gutted. We just had a holiday and I had the feeling that he was boiling up to something but he refused to admit it on holiday. He wanted us to have a baby but I admit I was praying that I didn't become pg. I didn't- thankfully. I wonder if this

Back two days, and now this. He reckons that I owe him money, that I've lied to him about various things (I haven't but of course you only have my word for that) and for each "lie" he is going to charge me £10 - I am not going to pay him this. In addition to this, we rowed before we went on holiday and to pacify him, I had to pay him £200 as a good beheviour bond. He said he'd repay this on the day we flew out. He repaid me £170 and when I queried the short-fall, he said it was in two instalments. Now he is refusing to pay the rest as he he says I had a strop at the airport and I'd wasted money going on the internet. most of the money was in fact spent on food and he insisted on me using the net. I do remember being stressed after the hassle of check-in and I bought him a drink, as he likes a drink before he flies. It wasn't a strop though.

He also took exception to my sister buying a Wii before Christmas as he'd bought my dauhghter a Nintendo DS Lite but I asked him to take it back as I felt it was too expensive for her to get from him. He did so and I bought one for her myself as he threatened to tell my daughter she would have had a DS but for me. He now says I should have stopped my sister buying a Wii (it is for everyone to use) as I 'd made him return his gift. I feel it's a bit different an auntie buying an expensive game to a rarely-seen bf buying one. I asked to buy the games off him so he wasn't put out. He seems to have forgotten that.

He is so angry with em but I honestly can't see what is so wrong with him that he can't see that I am not lying to him. My weight is a problem but I gave up dancing as he didn't like me being too close to other men. He cancelled my gym membership and now he calls me too fat. Go figure?

I can't talk to the Samaritans as they have better things to do but I don't know who else to speak to. I was sittig sobbing in my kitchen just now. I am such a mess.

I think it's one step forward, one back at the mo but I do feel more positive.

I'm doing things like booking dental check-ups at the mo - boring but at least I'll have shiny teeth! I'm going to view a new gym on Sunday as I probably need a new outlet at the moment plus the health benefits.

Part of me can almost marvel at the arrogance of him in criticising me. I think I've been more scared of him getting a cob on over something - anything - than actually had positive feelings for him for a while. He wouldn't even allow that I got painful periods but he wants lots of sympathy for his own ailments.

Arrogant so and so .

Just a quick update.

He was coming down this weekend to bring my stuff back and demanded that he stay at my flat.

I was a bit scared (of him) so I agreed but yesterday I had a call from my Mum and to cut a long story short, (I didn't know what had happened at the time) my dd has broken her wrist.

I communicate this to him saying I need to go the hospital and he leaves a message saying it won't be too bad, she'll have good care and to make sure he can get into my flat ok. I leave the keys in my garage and go to the the hospital thinking what the hell.

In the end I got back late with my daughter and we stayed at my parents house as I was nervous of being alone with her with her arm in new plaster. ex-bf rings several times today to see when we are coming back.

I finally got around there about 11.30 and first of all all my lights are on and the heating is off so I put the lights off and the heating on, all the time he is demanding to know what is happening he's been through my files and he demands the details of my landlord. I give them to him to get rid of him and he starts on me again. I ask him to leave my flat as he begins to accuse me of not having answered the phone the other night (it hadn't rung) and of my dd not having lived there. I ask him again to leave and was about to ring the police for help when he went. I've now realised that he has still got my stuff but you can't win it all.

The thing that really got me was the lack of sympathy for my daughter and he was still demanding attention/good behaviour from nonetheless!!!

Will he leave me alone now? I am scared of him.

This is abuse, pure and simple abuse. He might not be punching you in the face, but he is using every psycological trick in the book to try and harm you. He is using your daughter, your good nature, any lack of confidence in your appearance, any lack of self esteem, and all to be as controlling of you as he can. Have nothing more to do with him. Talk to Women's Aid, they will give youlots of help, and if he takes things from your home again, or makes any further abusive communications, call the police. You don't need this, and neither does your daughter.

he's a psycho. this is absolutely NOT normal relationship behaviour. Please speak to Women's Aid.

I have been a while getting back to this thread .

I have contacted Relate again and found that they tried to contact me in December but missed me. I have an appt on Thurs.

I just wanted to add, he managed to get out of me how many men I've slept with (he was tyring to imply that my daughter is not the child of my ex-dp as unfortunately he found out details of my previous sex life - she is his daughter though) and he called me a slag when he found out (10). He thought it was around 5 as I always hedged this question and he decided that 21 was too old to lose your virginity plus he mocked people I hung around with then. I never ask myself as I get jealous. He knows I was unfaithful once to a previous partner - it was very wrong of me to do that but it's none of his business.

Anyway I think it's resolved itself now bnut I feel worried about the Relate. Can I take printouts of what he's said to me? I'm worried I may not be able to verbalise how he's made me feel.

Now I feel dirty but I jsut want to run to him and beg for forgivness.

I mean it's resolved itself as he said he doesn't want to hear from me again as i am a slag. I don't feel as though I am.

Ignore his comments. He doesnt deserve you. I am feeling the same as you right now ive been getting abusive emails saying I am fat etc. They prob are insecure about the way they look/are and want to make you feel. Crap.

Just wanted to bump this a tad for some more thoughts from other people. I have begun my Relate course (I've got it as on-going) and one thing the counsellor mentioned was that neither myself nor my ex seemed to have clarity wrt what we wanted/expected/needed from each other from such a long relationship.

She picked up the controlling issues as well. I have tried to be fair and mention my temper as well.

Now I feel a bit bereft/happy at the same time as what was the point of such a long relationship if we weren't 'talking' but thought we were?

I'm not looking for a fix as I don't think it's healthy on several levels anyway, or not since I sorted my life out, but I wondered if anyone else had had this said to them? And how will I know if I am communicating with people in future?

I am also thinking about my past relationships to see if I was in a fool's paradise then as well.

Just bumping again (sorry - being a tad selfish maybe).

My relate course is going well but my ex-bf wants to come along. I said he couldnt' unless a) he paid towards it and b) it was my course and therapy for me.

Last time we tried a relate course I barely ended up being able to speak and that was just the initial session!

We have had a lot of time together so I'm still getting my head around the idea it's really time to wave goodbye. I won't be treated with disrespect now and the crux of it seems to be that everytime I answer back or tell him to stop putting me down, I am being 'typical' in doing so.

Anyway even if I am chatting to myself, it's good to put it in writing. I'm going to make some notes today to take in this time as I froze a bit last week and the counsellor had to prompt me a bit by asking questions. I want to be more proactive.

So anyone reading this, and is thinking about Relate, it is helping me.

Helped by Lundy Bancroft and P Evans .

lol - dittany. OP this man is feeding off your insecurity so whilst a councellor may help you to deal with that, I think you need to change your number and email account and never ever speak to him again. Good behaviour bond. What next.

He's pissed off that he's lost his control over you - he wants to crush you again by coming to the course with you incase you incriminate him (Justifiably)

Abusers do that - they make it all your fault, they deem themselves blameless when in actual fact it is the other way around most of the time.

He's an arse. An emotionally abusive arse.

I'd have NO contact with him whatsoever and demand he sees your DD in a contact centre due to his verbal attacks on you.

Another tiny update.

XP did come to two sessions with me (I am weak and let him) and last week said he felt surprised by being challenged by the counseller.

This week he lost his temper when I challenged him on something - he was criticising my family and I pointed out that he acted in a similar way to his family. He turned his chair away from me, went red in the face and told hte counsellor he was furious. She didn't let it drop and he went under a certain amount of pressure.

I feel numb now - he's shown his temper to a third party and he admitted he didn't intend to do that. So in one way I am vindicated, in another.... gutted.

Anyway I doubt if he'll attend anymore as he doesn't like the truth coming!! Not that I can afford many more sessions myself. There is only so much talking you can do.

He is your ex, and what he says and thinks is irrelevant to what you think and feel. Of COURSE he's going to want you to be miserable, he's an ex. STop trying to please him, you won't manage it. I'd write the money off too - consider it payment or a relationship well ended! Controlling bastard!

Just another wee update. I had 2 weeks break from Relate as my counsellor had to go into hospital but I saw her again on Weds. She told me that she'd felt quite angry herself after the last session and had to analyse the session to see if it was her reactions or mine that she was processing to XP.

She said that she felt I had represented the issues very well - it wasn't a case building myself up as XP had assumed - as both of us mentioned the same things but with different emphasises on them. Not so subtly she indicated that she felt I was in/had been in a controlling relationship and asked me what I was going to do as a strategy either for breaking up or staying together. Cue silence on my part!! More or less she told me that whilst XP had had a tiny glimmer of what an a*se he was, she doubted if it would 'stick' with him. I read on here a few days ago that it's almost impossbile to have a normal relationship with an abuser afterwards as you have a fear that it'll happen again. I ran this past her and she agreed but then asked me my strategy. Telling him to get lost only seems to work so far as he then thinks of another way to get back to me. "Final arrangements" and so on. Without any intention of addressing our issues.

Well that was the nub of Wednesday. I've got one or two more sessions in mind and then I have to call it a day for financial reasons. I've had 4 on my own and 2 joint sessions.