AIBU to expect my husband to leave his mobile on when away overnight with work?

[nonetaken]

Namechange alert - am regular (too regular..) on here but want fresh opinions on this one if possible -

DH works 400 miles away 3 or 4 nights a week with work. He usually calls me each evening while on his way back to the hotel, on the tube or leaving work or such like. Very rarely from his hotel room or later than 8pm ish. We've never been great for talking on the phone, it's more to check in and make sure we're alright at home or share any news, and I like to go to bed early while he's away so it's not really bothered me so far.

I tried to call him at about 9.45pm ish one night last week and his phone was off - (he has a Blackberry and tends to get late calls and emails from the saddos that work until midnight.) It hadn't been an emergency but it struck me that if it had been, I would have had no way of getting hold of him. His hotel doesn't transfer calls to guests rooms (a Travelodge type set up I think). I mentioned this at the weekend, he saw my point, and as I have no family nearby, only his dp's who are about to go abroad for months, he agreed that he'd start leaving it on at night so I could get hold of him if something happened with the dc's.

So last night I thought I'd call him (we are having a tough patch at the moment to say the least and I'm trying to keep communication going), at about 9.30. His phone rang twice and then went to voicemail. He then texted me just afterwards to say he'd been asleep and then called first thing this morning after I texted him.

I can only think he saw my call come in and rejected it and it's making me uneasy. I've now realised how hard he can be to get hold of in the evenings. I'd assumed it was because he worked until 8 or 9 ish and then wanted to eat and collapse into bed but now I'm wondering if there's more to it. I know he's actually staying at the hotel he's telling me (or at least checking into it) as it's on our credit card bill each month. Opinions please?

So whether you are BU to expect him to leave it on isn't really the question is it? You have asked him to leave it on and he did.

He just didn't answer it and you don't know whether to believe him when he said he was asleep.

Hmmmm. I think that if he was being economical with the truth, you would have noticed something in his manner at the weekend, when you asked him about leaving the phone on at night. But it sounds from what you say as if he readily agreed to that and had no problem with it.

On balance it sounds to me like a genuine mistake but I don't have a particularly suspicious mind!

Just out of interest - why didn't you ring him again last night after he'd texted you? That's what I would have done. It seems odd that you didn't have a conversation with each other until this morning?

yep. He clearly didn't want to talk to me but why?
To me, it's that he either a) was asleep b) didn't want to have a conversation with me c) wasn't where he should have been or d) had someone else with him..

And in 10 years I've never felt uneasy about him being away before. Am I being paranoid or is intuition trying to tell me something?

Or why didn't he call you back instead of texting? tis odd.

sixspot, I'd gone to bed leaving my mobile downstairs (am hopeless with it) and hadn't seen the text until this morning. Didn't call him back as he had obviously cut off my call for a reason, and I hadn't called him for anything in particular anyway so didn't want to seem naggy by calling back.

snoring, that's what I thought! I would have quickly returned the call, said sorry, I'm really sleepy, I'll call you first thing. It just seemed strange. And I have asked him about it this morning and he sounded sheepish and changed the subject..

Oh okay, I see. Hmmm. That is a bit odd, then, that he would text you back rather than calling you.

On the other hand, if I were him, and I didn't want to arounse your suspicions - I would have called you back straight away! So in a way, the fact that he didn't seek to calm your suspicions could suggest that he just didn't want to talk to you - rather than that he was with someone else or was somewhere he shoudn't have been.

I really don't know, but don't want to go against your intuition as it is a powerful thing.

You say you are not getting on well anyway?

no we're not getting on, but only for about the past six months. I really can't do anything right at the moment, he's a total workaholic and spends very little time at home. He's become snappy and a bit mean tbh. The whole saga is on here under another name.

Have always totally trusted him, always thought him too honest to have an affair, he used to forward me emails from some woman who was pursuing (stalking) him in his last job so we could laugh at them together and plan how to get rid of her.

He has always been possessive of his mobile, always on the go, if I ever wanted to track his every move I never could, he's travelled all over the place with work. I've had to trust him because not to would have driven me insane. Plus I'm not a paranoid or jealous person at all.

Could he have been somewhere with background noise?

My dp does this sometimes when working away and I call him later than usual - he texts rather than phones. If he does answer my calls he sounds weary and rather bored! Generally I think he gets very tired and just wants to go to sleep, I don't think there's anything more to it. But that's us not you.

If your intuition tells you something's not right, it may be the case. Or it could be a result of you not getting on for six months which has made you more easily bothered by unusual behaviour?

My dp says that most men just want a quiet life! Perhaps that's all there is to it??

or e) was wanking.

nonetaken - are you the lady who found your DH hiding a second phone 3 or 4 months ago?

nonetaken, I know your other thread and have posted on it

I understand you want a fresh eye on this aspect of your relationship

however, as I said before, I think you have a cause for concern

if you both realise your relationship is going through a rocky patch, and want to put it right, he should be making himself available to you, not cutting you out

I & OH can sleep through our phones ringing/texts. Sometimes if it rings & it wakes me up I press all kinds of buttons before managing to answer it - have cut OH off loads of times because of this so it may have been a genuine mistake?

My dh insists on phoning me every bloody night (from SE Asia) and lovely as he is, it can get a bit much.

anyfucker, you are very astute! And very right. The lack of availability to me (or availability on his own terms) is what really bothers me.

Have just taken consecutive calls from his and my parents to tell me how worried they are about us all. Am going to try to call him now to discuss.

nonetaken - please look at my last post on this thread

no brazen, that's not me - my threads have been about having a workaholic husband who's been developing a passive aggressive and possibly narcissistic streak of late. Although I've never ever suspected him of having an affair before there's been some recent signs of suspicious behaviour - possessive of mobile, taking off wedding ring, hard to get hold of while working away etc. It's hard to know if I have real reason to suspect anything or if I'm just being paranoid.
He has a whole life during the week that I'm just not part of and it's now starting to really bother me.

Oh god, please have a damn good look at what he's up to and get hold of that phone at all costs.i know from bitter experience that even someone 'not the type, too trustworthy' can go temporarily insane and have an affair on the flimsiest (or even no) excuse. The 'can't do anything right and snappiness' aspect is completely what my H did when he was having a bit on the side - I have posted before that the trustworthy ones having a crisis can't run two women at once so try to push you nearly out without having the guts to say what they're up to, because at the end of the day once it comes to a had they'll be home like a shot and sorry forever... Mine was also a rubbish liar - he has a really bad case of guilt face, which is how I found him out. The longer it goes on the worse it will be so get to it, woman - if you are proved wrong (and I hope you are) then great.

"He then texted me just afterwards to say he'd been asleep and then called first thing this morning after I texted him." He should have phoned you back.

You sound like you communicate well from all the other things you said, so have you asked him to phone you in future instead of texting?

Start there. Unless you have real reason to think he is deliberately fielding your calls, communicating now in a non accusing way is the best option. IMO

It's password protected, he sleeps with it next to him and even takes it into the loo with him.. I can't think that I've looked at it closely since he got it. He sometimes shows me emails which have come in but kind of holds it out so I can see. I remember on his old phone there was a game I was addicted to so I had it for hours and he was never bothered then.

I went through his work suitcase the other day, and found a dirty shirt zipped in an inner pocket. I stupidly stuck it through the wash and when he saw it on the airer, he wanted to know how I'd found it, he kept saying, that was in the inside pocket, why were you looking in there? And I wanted to say, what you are you hiding that I can't look in there if I want to?

Nothing found in there btw despite there being a million pockets in it - damn Samsonite things!

Is it ever a good idea to ask them directly if you suspect? I haven't as he is so articulate I'm sure he could convince me I'm paranoid even if I had concrete evidence (which I don't, just lots of odd signs)

I wouldn't make a great private detective would I? Fancy washing the bloody shirt and giving myself away - what an eejit.

nonetaken, I am glad you are getting some support from both your families

you must be going out of your mind just now

thanks anyfucker, I'm kind of an autopilot I think. I'm a bit numb and almost can't deal with it all.

I haven't been able to tell my parents any details, they currently worry that he is away so much leaving me with the dc's - they would be utterly horrified if they knew any more of the real details. Have also diluted what I've told the IL's for obvious reasons, but I broke down on the phone to MIL at the weekend and told them he was being horrible at the moment.

When I once told my mum about a lady I knew whose dh had left her with 4 children for another woman, she asked why my friend had been silly enough to have 4 children with a man like that? She has had a very sheltered life, there's been no divorce ever in our family, and I don't think she has a clue what some men can be like. My dad is as honest and stable as can be. I worry she'll blame me and be ashamed of me for getting into such a situation.

ohhhh no, nt, sounds like your mum has led a very sheltered (and indulged ??) life

I think that just the fact that they know you are going through a rough spell at the moment is enough, if you manage to get to the bottom of what is happening then maybe thats all they need to know

families are not always in the best position to see things objectively of course