AIBU to expect my husband to leave his mobile on when away overnight with work?

[nonetaken]

Namechange alert - am regular (too regular..) on here but want fresh opinions on this one if possible -

DH works 400 miles away 3 or 4 nights a week with work. He usually calls me each evening while on his way back to the hotel, on the tube or leaving work or such like. Very rarely from his hotel room or later than 8pm ish. We've never been great for talking on the phone, it's more to check in and make sure we're alright at home or share any news, and I like to go to bed early while he's away so it's not really bothered me so far.

I tried to call him at about 9.45pm ish one night last week and his phone was off - (he has a Blackberry and tends to get late calls and emails from the saddos that work until midnight.) It hadn't been an emergency but it struck me that if it had been, I would have had no way of getting hold of him. His hotel doesn't transfer calls to guests rooms (a Travelodge type set up I think). I mentioned this at the weekend, he saw my point, and as I have no family nearby, only his dp's who are about to go abroad for months, he agreed that he'd start leaving it on at night so I could get hold of him if something happened with the dc's.

So last night I thought I'd call him (we are having a tough patch at the moment to say the least and I'm trying to keep communication going), at about 9.30. His phone rang twice and then went to voicemail. He then texted me just afterwards to say he'd been asleep and then called first thing this morning after I texted him.

I can only think he saw my call come in and rejected it and it's making me uneasy. I've now realised how hard he can be to get hold of in the evenings. I'd assumed it was because he worked until 8 or 9 ish and then wanted to eat and collapse into bed but now I'm wondering if there's more to it. I know he's actually staying at the hotel he's telling me (or at least checking into it) as it's on our credit card bill each month. Opinions please?

that behaviour with the mobile phone is OTT

Sod it, I think you are going to have to make a surprise visit to the hotel if you can't get hold of the phone. Get your parents or a friend to babysit so it doesn't get back to him then pop down, hide away and make sure he comes back to it alone... May sound a bit mad and stalker-like, but I wish I'd done it myself! The crap-bag (now making serious amends so perhaps I shouldn't be so harsh)had even told me he fancied what turned out to be his ow at one point ages ago. But then the communication stopped, the phone became velcroed to his body and the rest is history...

In my experience also, holding on to the phone everywhere even in the loo, treating you horribly for no reason, being out of the way as much as possible from home and not ringing back but texting signals bad news...This is the way my exDH treated me for years off and on and its only now I can pin down exactly when he was having affairs after he told me there were a few.

I really hope this isnt the case but if your instinct tells you something is not right then something ISNT right.

I ignored it for a long time in 10 years of marriage thinking I was paranoid or jealous but and eventually caught on to what he was up to.

My feeling is that something's definitely going on . So sorry for you.

Don't make excuses for him (tiredness, being busy...). Thought my h was depressed to explain his miserable behaviour towards me but turned out his mind was just 'busy' elsewhere.

"I'd gone to bed leaving my mobile downstairs (am hopeless with it) and hadn't seen the text until this morning. Didn't call him back as he had obviously cut off my call"

i think you are being a little overly paranoid (unless there is more we don't know about). it seems from your quote above that it is ok for you to not have your phone on you or forget about it's where abouts, which it is.but you don't seem to accept similar innocuos explanations from him. it's obvious that it is the tough time you are going through that is making you think that way, but i think you are getting distracted by the mobile phone issue when you should be focussing on the real problems.

as far as i can tell the time line for the night went as such

you ring himx2, but he's asleep--> he notices missed calls and texts you back,but you have gone upstairs to bed and left your phone downstairs -> you wake up in the morning,notice text,text him back --- > he calls you.,

so you were both "guilty" so to speak of not being available by phone through absent mindedness/sleep, so i fail to see how he can be the one in the wrong

Confronted him this morning while he was at work, got everything out, and felt a lot better for it. Just couldn't go on wondering what was going on. Mayorquimby, you're right that the OP does sound like me being paranoid, but there had been lots of odd behaviour, passive aggressive comments and generally acting out of character so my logical (and as it turns out, incorrect) conclusion had been that he was having an affair while working away.

While I really was on the verge of leaving him, I'm now wondering if he's having some sort of stress induced nervous breakdown which would explain lots of behaviour. He's agreed to come to counselling with me (a massive admission from him that he is fallible and perhaps someone else can help him) plus a promise to come up with a plan to change things. Fingers crossed..

WOW - what an outcome! I hope you both use this as a chance to make a good relationship better. It sounds like your signals were getting messed up and now you have an opportunity for better communications. I couldn't have wished for a better result for you.

Nonetaken, well done for making a start on sorting this out.

You were not paranoid, there is obviously something wrong that hopefully can be fixed.

The first major leap for him would have been admitting there is something that needs fixing.

Well done to you, and him for taking your concerns seriously.

All the best to you both. x