I'm really fed up - money.

[leoleosuperstar]

I work part time and this money covers my car insurence, my half of a personal loan with my dp (although he has had ALL the money), mobile phone, for a sofa that I bought before we lived together and basically it is taken up.
My dp also the father of my ds earns considerably more than me and therefore pays all the bills (it is his house) but nothing for me as such. I use the heating indoors and watch tv etc and he gets the food shopping.
I'm just really fed up having no money and no help and him constantly making me feel like a money grabber and telling me I'm crap with money because I don't have any.
Today we have run out of bread and we have nothing to put on toast or in a sandwich. I told him and he has said he will get some on the way home from work dispite having money in his wallet. He makes me feel like I can't be trusted with money not even £3 to pop to Tesco with.
If I say anything to him he will have a go at me saying it's not his fault I am bad with money.
I am really fed up with this. I bring up our child FGS.

where does the child benefit go?

I have the child benefit.

He pays bills haphazardly - I will pay all my bills and then work with what I have left.

He earns good money and money isn't tight as such. Although he would refuse to give me anything. I needed winter boots for quite a while and was stuck with ballet shoes until I got a pair for £15. He has recently treated himself to 2 expensive jeckets and a new watch.

Our ds needed new clothes and he dragged out buying them for ages and finally took us to get some.

I seem to becoming fixated with money. We will often have a squabble over petty things regarding money.

Before I had my ds I would never have needed or expected anything from him money wise.

I had some savings and I was very good with whatever I had.

I am fed up having nothing.

did you sit down when you got pregnant and discuss the money situation?
he does seem very controlling....

When I was pregnant we did discuss money and it was a complete nightmare (we weren't living together - a very long story and my dc was not an accident and dp wanted dc as much as me). I insisted that he gave me money monthly toward ds. There were many many arguements before he agreed to give me money. Even then it was sometimes horrible when he gave me the money each month. He wouldn't believe that my rent and household bills were anything to do with ds. He often says to his single parent dad friends that it is their job to help towards thier dc's not the mothers lifestyle.
When he asked me to move in he stopped this money.
His belief is what is his is his etc. He thinks that as he pays all the house bills and buys food then that is enough.
Is it? Honestly am I being unreasonable expecting him to maybe tax or mot my car or something every now or then?

Stop paying the half of the loan. If he has had the money, it is up to him to pay it all back.

Show him a few of these posts, and explain to him what a total twat he is.

Stick up for yourself, no one else will.

Have you drawn up a family budget of income/outgoings so he can see exactly what each of you are bringing in and spending?

If you are left with no money for personal use, despite the fact that you are working, whilst he can afford expensive luxuries then there is a serious imbalance.

I also agree it's totally hypocritical of him to expect you to pay for half the repayments for a loan he took out and spent, and not share his disposable income with you.

He needs to understand that if he is in a long-term relationship with the mother of his child then there needs to be shared money which is for the benefit of the family. You are not flatmates.

He sounds very selfish.

'Before I had my ds I would never have needed or expected anything from him money wise.'

You're a partnership, not an indentured servant.

Let me get this straight: he knows you only work part-time, he knows you don't own nearly what he does, yet he tries to make you feel bad and fills you with self-doubt that you are 'bad with money'?

He spins out buying his own kid clothes?

I'm with Reality, financial abuse is a form of abuse.

And if he's operating under hte MO that what is his is his then tbh I wouldn't dissuade him of that strategy.

Because he'd keep whatever the courts decided didn't belong to his kids in the form of maintenance after I left.

You have a part-time job. You can get working tax credit, child tax credit, child benefit and housing/council tax benefit if you have under a certain amount in savings.

I'd seriously question in staying in this type of relationship, frankly.

Would you just stick it out till you could earn more money?

No, leo, I wouldn't.

Why?

1. because my life is too short to be made miserable by an abusive jerk

2. because my life financially would probably be better without him, as I'd be able to get WTC/CTC, housing benefit, etc. and wouldn't have someone taking it all and nagging me constantly about money

3. because you'll never earn enough to appease a controlling, selfish twat like this, so why waste more time?

He supplies food but will insist on buying it himself - I can get whatever I want but he wont let me go on my own to get it.
The utilities are paid.
My clothing is my responsability in his opinon unless I want to get things for my birthday or Christmas.

It's interesting that he might resent me - in what way would you think.

I can't talk to him because it is a touchy subject at the moment and he wont listen.

leo - I don't think sticking it out until you earn more money is solving the problem. His controlling behaviour over the money is a symptom of something bigger imo.

If he respected you and saw you as equals in the relationship he would not be acting like this about "his" money.

The root of his attitude and behaviour, is what needs sorting out foremost, not how much you earn.

If you can't talk to him, then that is a problem in itself.

Unless he is willing to see there is a problem in the relationship, and start to solve it then it's time to start considering getting out.

Do you feel like he actually loves you and your DS?

you can get what you want, but only if he's there to approve?

we're talking about food here!

a basic necessity.

and he won't 'let' you go get it on your own?

k, here's a scenario: for 4 years, DH didn't work outside the home. he stayed home with our daughter and then, with our daughters.

i earned our only income. he had the child benefit and CTC.

but everything went into our joint account.

every penny.

if he saw we needed bread, he went and got it.

if i saw we needed it, i did.

if i didn't fancy going to do a big shop, he did it. and vice versa.

if he fancied buying a game or a tshirt or a jacket he did so, and vice versa, unless it was something really big/expensive, then we talked about it.

because we're a partnership.

because he's a person who is worth of respect.

because he is more valuable than money.

why put up with anything less?

Christ. He won't give you cash to go to the shops, even to get food?

I can't understand any partnership where the money is not just in one pot (DH and I have our own accounts, but we move money from one to the other as and when we need to)

This is all wrong. It does sound as if he resents the fact that he can't have every penny of his money to spend how he likes - i.e. you and your ds are just a financial drain in his eyes. Also agree that he sounds abusive. I mean, your earning power is affected by the fact that you are bringing up his child, yet you are "bad with money"?

I'd be finding out what I was entitled to, then I'd be off.

If I bring up exapmles of couple we know who are like this he'll say - well that's because she didn't come with as many bills as you.. Or she put £60k into their house..
All his friends have met people with their own lives to bring but we have been together off and on since we were young (17).

He loves ds no question whatsoever. I believe he loves me. Is he just tight?

Hear hear expat, that's our situation atm and dh has whatever money he needs from me. I transfer money to him when I get paid and top it up if it runs out.

This is really good for me to know that I should and do deserve more.
Also I lose my way in thinking why this is wrong.

'well that's because she didn't come with as many bills as you.. Or she put £60k into their house..'

and his point is?

sorry, but treating someone like this isn't love.

because when you love someone, you're not with them because of their money (or lack thereof).

A relationship is not based on who brought how much money into it.

It sounds like he is not looking at this relationship as a long term commitment tbh. Why else would he be viewing the finances in this way?