I'm really fed up - money.

[leoleosuperstar]

I work part time and this money covers my car insurence, my half of a personal loan with my dp (although he has had ALL the money), mobile phone, for a sofa that I bought before we lived together and basically it is taken up.
My dp also the father of my ds earns considerably more than me and therefore pays all the bills (it is his house) but nothing for me as such. I use the heating indoors and watch tv etc and he gets the food shopping.
I'm just really fed up having no money and no help and him constantly making me feel like a money grabber and telling me I'm crap with money because I don't have any.
Today we have run out of bread and we have nothing to put on toast or in a sandwich. I told him and he has said he will get some on the way home from work dispite having money in his wallet. He makes me feel like I can't be trusted with money not even £3 to pop to Tesco with.
If I say anything to him he will have a go at me saying it's not his fault I am bad with money.
I am really fed up with this. I bring up our child FGS.

It's worrying that he views other people's relationships like that - like a series of transactions on a balance sheet.

I couldn't tell you who had more money or more debts at the start of our relationship, or who put what into the house. Or who has paid the most towards the mortgage payments since then. I don't remember because it's totally irrelevant to me and to my dh.

He is tight, no question. But has he any respect for you at all?

There is a serious lack of respect. He does look at other people's relationship in a odd way and will tell be that they aren't in love or that it wont last etc..
It is odd that he knows what people had or have - thinking about it. I wouldn't ask any of my friends something like this.

Leo, there is real possibility that he is not being intentionally abusive, but thinks his behaviour is normal. He has some very strange views about finances, equality and worth in a relationship. But if these are views that he has always known, and have never been challenged then he needs to be told that this is not how a relationship works.

So how do you kick start this when he won't talk?

Would you show him this thread? Would he read it? Yes there have been some comments he might find unpleasant, but it might be the start of him realising that he is in the wrong, and working towards sorting out your relationship.

ring the csa and find out how much he will be paying you when you leave...that will cheer him up!

If I showed him this I think he would be angry and say I was misrepresenting how things are.
Any other ideas? And what am I actually aiming for?

Any other ideas?

Yes, go and see a counsellor yourself and start packing your bags.

OR, keep going the way you are.

Because he's not going to change. He doesn't even want to talk about it, at all, and when he does he turns it all round that it's your fault. In his mind, it is. And as he's unwilling to change or even entertain another point of view, he's not leaving you with a lot of options other than stay and put up with it or go.

i wouldn't stand for this. not for one minute.

but i never understand people who have children and live together but don't pool their money.

I think that leaving him is the only real solution...as others have said he will NOT change....and even if he suddenly decided to give you an 'allowance' you know his true feelings about it and therfore it wouldn't make your relationship any better.

Get out and be finacially better off - he will spew when he realises what he will be paying in maintenance....