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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sleeping with the enemy UPDATE

35 replies

sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 11:56

Hi, last thread got a bit long so decided to start a new one. For those of you who know my other thread...ExH appeared in court and pleaded not guilty. He was charged with thirteen offences, 11 of them rape, one indecent assault and another offence which I don't even want to think about (against me). The case is now going to trial in May. BUT...the prosecution lawyer is now pushing for the original charge of sexual assault against DD2 to be resurrected and also child cruelty against my older 2. He said they should never have been dropped. I am having such mixed feelings, on the one hand I feel sick at the thought of my children going through the court system, but on the other hand I am elated because it was the sexual assaults against my baby which started this whole ball rolling. And that should hopefully put paid to him ever being allowed anywhere near any of us again.

OP posts:
abedelia · 06/01/2009 12:00

Jesus, I missed the original thread but that sounds horrific. I used to work in a court for a bit and they will try to make it as un-traumatic (if that can possibly be applied here) as possible for the children. Also, when they are older or even now, it might give them some closure to know they stood up and said their bit so he was directly punished for what they suffered? Just a thought...hope it helps?

orangina · 06/01/2009 12:02

Hi sleeping... happy new year and I hope 2009 is a good one for you. I was following your last thread, don't think I ever posted, but the best of luck with all these charges. Can't imagine how you feel about it all, but I would be glad to hear that ALL of the charges against him are going to be followed up. May you have the strength to deal with it all and I will be rooting for you and your children....

orangina · 06/01/2009 12:03

btw, who dropped the charges originally? Have you changed prosecution lawyer?

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 06/01/2009 12:05

Hi Sleeping. Happy New Year!!!

I think it all sounds good. Abdelia makes a good point about the children getting some closure and possibly feeling empowered but being part of it.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 12:17

Orangina...the CPS dropped the charges because of the children's ages. There has only just been a prosecution lawyer appointed as it's taken a year to get the case to court. I was gutted when they said they weren't charging him with the offences against the children.
I was also only aware of 6 charges of rape, so to hear there were actually thirteen charges is excellent (although it makes me feel even sicker).

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Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 12:18

Happy New Year by the way

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lessonlearned · 06/01/2009 12:23

Hey, sleeping. It sounds like the prosecution believe they have enough evidence to nail this bastard once and for all. I agree that it will be tough for the children to face this in court, but the reality is that the worst is over for you all and now you have a chance of some justice and closure.

ClarissimoUsedToBePeachy · 06/01/2009 12:24

Happy 2009 SWTE

FWIW I have heard abuse victims sayt hat inclusion in a case does help them come to terms with things and gives them 'validation' as victims, but ie yu I'd worry about them being included. I do think it's probably positive though.

Sending you brave vibes.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 12:31

Hi, I also think it's positive news, and in a way it's given me new strength. Before I was only testifying for myself...once again I am now fighting for the children too and that has made me sit up and shake myself and get into the fighting spirit again.

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orangina · 06/01/2009 12:31

Yes, would be glad to know that CPS feel they have enough evidence. Whether or not it will be good for the children, agree with the principle of closure and justice being done, assuming he is in the end found guilty. Please do keep the updates going, will keep fingers crossed for you all... (though of course it should just be a matter of justice, not superstitious crossing of digits!)

NAB3lovelychildren · 06/01/2009 12:33

Your children will be protected.

I know someone who didn't get the chance to go to court at 14 as someone thought it would be too much for them. 20 + years later it is finally happening.

Do it all now in one go and then work on closure and moving on. The more he gets sent down for the more chance of him never being able to come near any of you again.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 12:35

Well, apparently the trial is expected to last 1 to 2 weeks as there are a great many witnesses to call. So, there are offences against me, his first wife, my older children, our youngest...his daughter from his first marriage gave a statement to the police against him...surely to God, with all these separate people all claiming abuse in one form or another it will be heinous to find him not guilty!There are also police reports, military police reports, social services reports, GP reports...

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Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 12:37

NAB...that's what I'm working on. With him possible facing those charges too the chances of him having access will be greatly diminished. A day in court is nothing compared to a lifetime of freedom from fear and abuse.

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NAB3lovelychildren · 06/01/2009 12:38

It would be easy to think that with all these other victims your children aren't needed but I honestly think they need to do this. What if they felt they hadn't got closure as he wasn't found guilty of the crimes against them?

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 12:43

Absolutely. I felt that the rape charges against me were the least of my concerns, what was important to me was that he was brought to justice and made to answer the hell he had put the children through. And the older children, because it wasn't physical abuse, were swept under the carpet almost, not by me or them but by the system. This way it will validate what they've been through.

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duke748 · 06/01/2009 12:55

Something similar to this happened to me as a child and I never prosecuted. I have spent the rest of my life wishing I had. I was too scared to at the time, but then it would have been just me.

I was 9 at the time.

I don't know your children's ages, but I would seriously consider having the crimes against them included but find out as much about protection for them during the trial as possible.

I agree, you need to be able to show them once they are older that you fought for them and that he was a ill//evil ma who did this to them and others and that it was wrong and not their fault.

Wishing you all the strength in the world.

Hugs,

Duke
xXx

NAB3lovelychildren · 06/01/2009 12:56

I know part of getting over SA is seeing the abuser pay in some way for what they have done.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 13:04

Duke, sorry you went through that. .

My children are 14, 12 and 4. The older 2 were victims of horrible cruelty and my youngest is 4 (she was 2/3 when he was abusing her). I will be going all out to have him charged with these offences as well...it was these that I reported first, and I was extremely unhappy when the CPS decided not to continue with them, although I understood their reasoning.

I have every faith that the police/courts will provide every protection for them should the prosecution lawyer be succesful in his bid to have these offences added, as they have been nothing short of brilliant throughout this.

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bellavita · 06/01/2009 13:15

Hi swth,

I lurked on your other threads but never posted. Just wanted to say what an amazing woman you are.

I hope that you get everything you wish for in 2009.

Keep going! xx

sweetgrapes · 06/01/2009 13:39

Happy New Year! I was following your thread but never posted.

I hope this year brings you closure, freedom and peace. I think you are very brave.

onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 06/01/2009 13:48

Yes, swte, I to would like to say what an incredible woman you are.

I think that anything that makes access impossible has to be done.

I think, though, that you should spend time with the older ones thinking ahead to the possibility that he may not be found guilty for the crimes against them - you know, tell them about the idea of legal technicalities, etc. Ensure that they know that it doesn't mean that they are not believed.

Original poster
sleepingwiththeenemy · 06/01/2009 16:04

When the CPS dropped the charges originally, I explained to them that the police and CPS did believe them, but wanted to spare them the drama of court, so they already know they are believed.I can't wait til this as all done and dusted.

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AlistairSim · 06/01/2009 16:36

I'm glad to see you back, SWTE.

I have strong memories of your original threads and had been wondering how things were going.

Will continue sending positive vibes your way.

Seabright · 06/01/2009 19:15

Another plus point of him being charged with the offences against the children is that if he is found guilty he will be on the Sex Offender Register not only as a rapist but as a child abuser too, so he'll never be able to work with children in any way, even as a volunteer at a local sports club.

You and your childrens bravery could help many other children to be kept away from him in the future.

Good luck & lots of love to you & your children

DippyDino · 06/01/2009 22:10

I too lurked on the original thread, but never posted.

Hope it all goes well, it will be worth it in the end, I know.

Wish I'd had a Mum as loving and as brave as you, SWTE!

Keep us updated if you can please.

XXXXXX