I feel utterly shattered by my friend's behaviour

[Janos]

That's the truth of it. I also feel tremendously guilty.

I'll start at the beginning. We've been friends for more than 20 years so she means a lot to me. I'd say she was my best friend.

However, over the past few years she's becoming increasingly stressed, anxious and unhappy. There are lots of issues including a very difficult relationship with her parents.

I try to give her support but am pretty limited in what I can do as I live in Scotland, she's down South. My circs are single parent, working full time so as you can imagine life is pretty busy and full on but I do what I can beacuse she means a lot to me.

Her behaviour has become increasingly 'erratic' for want of a better word. To cut a very long and distressing story short on Saturday she texted me repeatedly saying she was so unhappy she wanted to die, couldn't stop crying. This went all day with me trying to offer what support I could. She then said she was feeling better but at about half nine I got a text saying again how unhappy she was and wanted to commit suicide/go into hospital. This culminated in her telling me that she was going to take an overdose as she didn't want to wake up in the morning.

I went into a complete panic - ok not the best reaction I know - and tried to contact NHS 24, they were unbable to help as Scotland/England are different systems. Thankfully I am close to my mum so I contacted her and through a friend managed to get in touch with her parents. I was just deciding whether to contact the Met Police non emergency line to see if they could go over to check on her (given to me by NHS 24 Scotland)when she texted me to say: "It's OK Xxx is coming over"......

I can't even describe how I feel. Right now, She has contacted me to say sorry but right now I don't even know if I trust myself to speak to her. Donlt feel I even want to speak to her That's a terrible thing to say about your friend isn't it

I feel angry, guilty and worried sick all at the same time. What can I do? What should I do? I just don't know.

Thank you for 'listening'. Well not listening, YKWIM.

She is obviously just one of those attention seeking people who want everyone to know how miserable they are. Believe me, if she really wanted to kill herself she wouldn't tell anyone. If you tell people you are going to kill yourself, it is because you want to be saved.

It isn't fair that she's done that to you and I would be more than a little disgruntled by that behaviour. Especially considering your circumstances and how worried you must have been, and how helpless you felt.

I don't think you should offer sympathy as such (as this may just encourage her) but tell her in a matter of fact way that if she feels that bad she should seek counselling and get some help.
I doubt she will as she probably isn't depressed as such but just wants the world to feel sorry for her and her pitiful life.

Sorry, I'm ranting now, but people like this really get up my nose when there are people who actually need help out there and can't get it.

Oh blimey trumpetgirl she has had counselling, psychotherapy and all sorts. I've even paid for some of it (when I was a lot better off than I am now!)

I'm making her sound selfish and horrible but she isn't..she has lots of lovely qualities. She is kind, funny, intelligent and generous.

Unfortunately she has a history of doing this and there's usually some man involved somewhere along the lines (it usually happens when she splits up with someone).

I do feel helpless. It feels as though this is a never ending cycle and she never gets better.

I want to help and support her but this feels like too much. Aargh!!

Thank your listening and responding anyhow.

i do feel very sorry for you. and i agree that trumpetgirl can be right. but as a former sufferer of depression can i just say that maybe she was genuinely distressed. if you are suicidal/extremely depressed you are by nature selfish and you just reach out for help without really thinking through the consequences.

has she done this kind of thing many times before? do you think she might have been communicating honestly? if you have doubts maybe she is attention seeker. but maybe she isn't.

btw if she really is very suicidal/depressed and out of control that doesn't necessarily mean that you have the strength/will to keep her in your life and continue supporting her.

i'm just playing devil's advocate, showing it from the other side. i do know you must be so upset.
best of luck.

agree with tg. she sounds like a complete attention seaker.

Tbh I would get rid.

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you can only support her as much as you can. i had friends who couldn't cope with me, i do not hold any bad feeling towards them.

i also had friends who stuck with me through the hard times and now that i'm happy and healed i try and pay them back every way i can. know your limits. you sound like a good friend.

Well, at least in your justified panic, you let her parents know what she is doing and how she's feeling. Hopefully they will be keepig a closer eye on her.

I do feel sorry for people who suffer from depression, but what can you do from hundreds of miles away? And,,,,,,,,, if you use up all your resources keeping her afloat, might you be at risk of becoming a little depressed yourself.

I'm not surprised you are feeling drained by it all.

mamaloves I do think she is depressed and in a lot of distress. That's why I feel so bad but I just feel I no longer have the resources to cope.

Believe me, that does not make me feel too good about myself.

I do understand how awful depression can be, I had severe PND myself and know how destructive and horrible the feelings are.

I agree with trumpet girl. Urge her compassionately to seek counselling and medical help and talk to gp.

Try to 'normalise' your relationship. Be a lot more amenable to normal discussions of friendship, and everytime the conversation veers back round to territory that exhausts you, just repeat kindly, 'seek professional help' advice.....

I am sorry but totally disagree with Trumpetgirl. Your friend clearly got herself in a state and I think was possibly genuinly desperate at the points she called you. And EVEN if she was "just seeking attention", that in itself is a cry for help. So I think you should absolutely offer sympathy. I know a couple of people who talked about suicide and made genuine attempts, one of whom was successful so it should be taken seriously.

However, the position she put you in was dreadful and intolerable (I have been in that position too). I think you need to have an honst conversation with her about the worry and anxiety you went through and how you can never be put through that again. So while her depression is real and she deserves your support, she needs to find herself some counselling and local support too. I hope that is helpful and I really feel for you. I am sorry you went through that.

Janos - looks like she isn't depressed then just a bit "woe is me, I'm single and have no reason to live". I think she's just attention seeking and you can quite safely ignore her when she's like that.

mamalovesmojitos - I get depressed quite frequently and attempted suicide once. I didn't tell anyone because I actually wanted to die! I don't want to now though, and I have certain friends I talk to about such things as I don't want to worry my family as they live so far away. My point was that if she wanted to die, she wouldn't have told anyone, so she would have been ok IYSWIM

NO real advice but wanted to offer you some sympathy and also a 'Well done' for not having already told her to fuck off for a bit.
It is incredibly draining to deal with a very unhappy person, whether his/her unhappiness is due to clinical depression or whether it's attention-seeking self-pity. And when it goes on and on and on eventually everyone runs out of patience and sympathy.

It's absolutely NOT true to say that people who express the wish/intention to commit suicide have no intention of doing it. This is a myth and is explicitly rejected by organisations by the Samaritans.

I'd really hate anyone to go away from this thread thinking that that idea is correct. People who commit suicide often have expressed the wish to do so beforehand.

Sorry about your very stressful situation Janos. I can understand your frustration.

Yes please listen to policywonk. It is a complete myth. And I am sorry trumpetgirl for your experience but each individual deals with depression and suicide wishes differently. I think more sympathy is called for. However OP you need to look after yourself first so i urge you to speak with your friend so she can see you need support and not this level of stress. The solution is local support for her.

there's a difference though between expressing a wish to die and ringing someone up and telling them you're going to take an overdose.

And the text saying "it's ok xxx is coming over" just smacks of attention seaking to me. obviously she'd made it clear to more than just the op that she was going to take an overdose.

x-post with scifinerd

See, for example, this page: 'Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.'

Of course this doesn't mean that everyone who claims to be suicidal actually is - but Janos, I think you did absolutely the right thing to take her seriously.

SORRY I was talking about my experiences (me and people I know) rather than actual real "statistics". I'm not sure I totally believe them, but I'm not going to argue with it!

I really believe that she is attention seeking though due to the fact that this seems to happen when "a man is involved". Everyone feels a bit crap when they've split up with someone, but I think she's being a bit of a drama queen.

Thank you all for your responses.

I believe she is genuinely depressed and ill.

Some things which have rung a bell..She does tend to get a bit 'cross' if you don't respond in the 'right' way.

She said she thought she whould go into hospital as she couldn't cope. I said you must think very crefully if that's what you want..I have been in one myself, for PND. I know NHS pysch hospitals can be scary and frightening. Anyway, my response of please get medical help I am very concerned was met with a snippy response. Then I got the overdose text (not picking up the phone btw) at which point I panicked.

As I said she has come out with this before but never on this scale.

I do think an honest chat is in order but right now I really don't feel up to it.

I didn't doubt that her despair and unhappiness are genuine. But relying on one friend hundreds of miles away is not only not going to help her get better but it's not fair on the OP either.

The reason I took it seriously was because I thought..what id this time she means it? I would never forgive myself if I had ignored a 'cry for help' and then find out she has actually done it

Blimey, sorry lots of 'I's' in there.

Janos - I think that you are worried about her due to your own experiences. You say she said she would go into hospital, but she doesn't know how bad this will be. Isn't it possible that she is just competing with you?
If you are genuinely worried about her, then her parents already know at least. Is there anyone else who could keep an eye on her?

Heh..thank you solidgold you raised a smile there.

I really have felt like syaing that at times, but refrained.

Trumpet, of course your experiences are entirely valid - I was just worried that someone might read this thread and take what you said as a general truth.

I quite agree with everyone who has said that Janos's friend needs local support, and that there's only so much Janos can do.

I have some experience of supporting someone with acute mental health problems. It's an utterly exhausting, upsetting and thankless business. In my case, the only thing worse than doing it would be not doing it - but it's a close relative, and not too far away in terms of distance, so I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. But I do understand what a shitty task it is.

FWIW, I don't read her responses (as you've described them) as necessarily indicating that she's not in real distress. Of course, only one person - your friend - will ever really know whether she was close to harming herself or not. In a way, that's not the real question.

poor you, how very stressful. and difficult as well for you to know how best to handle things, since although she is ill, you suspect she is being a little - well - manipulative. No real advice - hopefully once the dust has settled and you feel less shaken you can talk things through with her.

thank you policywonk.

god i told counsellors etc that i was afraid i was going to take my life because, despite wanting with all my heart to get better, i felt that somedays i lost my mind. i felt that i would kill myself in madness despite not wanting to do it. that is scary.

i agree with the general tone of this thread, that op sounds like a good friend but that it is unfair and unrealistic to expect her to do anything more living so far away. and op, you should not feel guilty. you cannot live your friend's life for her.

however i get upset when i see people perpetuating myths about suicide. it is a personal thing, different in different cases. i think it is so awful that when a person asks for help they can be called attention seeking without a thought. what a label to push you further in despair. it's like you're not taken seriously until it's too late.

Seriously, thank you everyone for helping me get some perspective on this.

I do encourage her to get local support but she feels (genuinely I think) that there is no-one. I don't mean there is no-one but that she feels that way. There are people, who are (physically) closer than me.

It is tremendously frustrating and exhausting.

But when she is up she is the most lovely person. Kind, intelligent, funny, suppprtive and thoughtful. That is what keeps me going I think - the good side.