Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm really nervous!

[cheerfulvicky]

I've posted on other threads a bit about this but I thought I'd better start my own...

I'm feeling really apprehensive as me and my DP are going to Relate for the first time tomorrow evening. He's been to relate before (for a few months, with a previous partner and then alone) but I've never been to a counsellor at all let alone something like this and I'm pretty scared. When he and I argue we just go round in circles, and he often approaches things in a way I find upsetting and angry but I can't always put my finger on what he does that's so distressing. It's more his attitude of anger and point scoring.
I was hoping having someone in the room to see it all would help, but I suppose I'm starting to doubt if it will really help as it sounds like they just encourage you to work things out for yourself, and I"m not sure we can. I don't know what to tell the counsellor, there is SO MUCH and I'm scared I'll just waffle on and she'll nod and ask me how it all makes me feel. There are a lot of obvious problems in the relationship, like a complete lack of sex which I'm really unhappy about (it's him who's not interested). But there are also loads of little subtle mind games going on, passive aggressive behaviour from him and awful daily power struggles. I'm worried they might miss all that and just send us to a sex therapist, or say he is depressed and that's the only reason we are having problems. He has anger issue and... argghh; You get the idea. It's all just a mess in my head, like a kind of sad soup, and I can't unravel it quickly or be that articulate and concise about it all. Some of what he used to do could be classed as emotional/psychological abuse, but he's really shaped up since I said I wanted to go to Relate and is being all nice, buying me flowers etc. And he's clamed to have a 'breakthrough' about our different attitudes to money and has recently stopped making me feel guilty if I leave a light on or the door open.

I suppose I'm scared he will sweet talk the counsellor and I won't know how to explain what he is really like towards me at home. Writing a list of stuff he does seems mean, and a lot of it is all so petty. But it all adds up to a tense, unpleasant home environment.

Not sure if there's much anyone can do, I just needed to vent really. Thanks if you got this far

Good luck, dp and I are going to counselling at the moment and it has been an immense help. At first it was difficult as we both heard things we did not want to here but we are now happier than we have been in years.

I'm glad it helped you twinset What do you mean by heard difficult stuff, did the counsellor say it or did you just talk openly to each other. DP keeps telling me the counsellor with just listen and give us homework, they will not tell us to stop certain behaviour or that certain things are wrong. He seems very sure of this and I'm just clueless about what goes on in sessions.
It's also our first appt, so might be a kind of assessment I suppose to see if they can help us...

WE just talked openly, we both rather childishly thought that everything was the other person's fault when of course it wasnt.

can you go on your own to one of the sessions maybe? I went on one and sobbed for an hour but it was really cathartic to get it out. The counsellor offered opinions but carefully avoided saying being judgemental (perhaps too much since I've now realised H has a touch of the narcissist about him) H is resisting going, due to him working away most of the week and not believing that therapists are able to help him at all as he knows what they're like and what they'll say!)

The next session I was much calmer and ended up talking about family relationships and I hadn't planned to go back but think H and I need to go together as things have got worse again.

Tomorrow might be emotional, but it will almost definitely help. Your dp being willing to go has to be a good sign. Good luck with it!

When I was going through my divorce my ex husband and I went to counselling, not relate though.

Dp was a complete arse in these sessions and in our final one said
"This is very unethial but I have to say Mrs Twinset that your husband is quite possibly the most unreasonable man I have ever met"

Hi sotr
You need to go, for you alone. Don't worry, write a list of everything - I know the feeling of vagueness and can't put a finger on their behaviour.

It will be okay. You need and outlet and good for you

Twinset - I wanna see your counsellor!!!!!

brilliant, twinset!! Would love to go to your counsellor! When I was there I kept telling the counsellor things that H had said and knowing that he must be thinking "what a twat" but be unable to say so..

thanks cricket, am going back asap. Have never posted on MN as much as I have this weekend, it's really helped me understand that this isn't my fault, I do have options and I don't have to put up with it all. Apologies for hijacking everyone's threads with my ramblings though

She was in the mother and baby unit and was a general counsellor but had trained as a marraige counsellor.

I wasnt well enough to realise how much of a twat ex was being but she helped me see the light and probably saved my life

sotr - dont apologise!

Im gonna see a counsellor. Get my head back on straight.

Mmmm. DP told me how when he went to Relate with his last partner (she was having an affair) the counsellor told him stuff that his DP told her. That is, his ex told the counsellor in a private 1 to 1 session that she had been with another man, even though she never admitted it to him. The counsellor told him this, and urged him to leave her. I was a bit on hearing this, although the counsellor sounded good in other ways and I think helped him a bit.

I guess I'll just keep an open mind and be guided by what happens on the night. They're not exactly going to say 'feck off, stop wasting our time with your trivial problems' as we are on the verge of breaking up, so I suppose if I forget something crucial or can't explain something properly, it will all come out in the end anyway.
Thanks for the replies so far. Feel a bit less stressed about it now. x

Don't forget, you can always disagree with some things your counsellor says - they are only human..

I don't think that makes any sense but what I mean is my DH went to one and the counsellor said to him, that if he disagrees with him that's fair enough.

Don't even know if that helps but hope it goes okay cheerful.

There are good and bad counsellors but most will avoid getting you both into the trap of the guilt/blame cycle. I notice they both gave their conclusion when they had taken the sessions as far as they could. There is an obligation on ALL participants to be honest and work hard - not just one party or the counsellor alone! Why should any counsellor allow someone to misuse their confidence to make them complicit an the abuse of another person?
I hope you find one with the courage and compassion to be trutheful like this.

I sort of agree with you Lesson, but I have to say it would be wrong from my understanding. I have a Diploma in counselling, so am fully qualified (though I don't practice at the moment, not sure if I want to!), and from what I remember, the counsellor does need to be honest and authentic with their client, but that wouldn't extend to "grassing up" someone after a confidential session. If they felt it pointless to work with someone because they were concealing something so fundamental , they would challenge them on it and perhaps say they wouldn't do couple work with them till they had shown a committment to the process by being truthful.

One of the basic tenets of counselling is confidentiality, and it can only be breached in certain very tight circumstances such as criminal harm etc.

Don't overthink the appointment like this. It is very important to go to counselling with as open a mind as you can possibly achieve. Relax. The counsellor will get a very good crip on the balance of power in your relationship very quickly .

LOL Twinset at your "unethical" counsellor.

My DP went to see his exW's therapist at one point, who told him that it was most unethical for her to say this, but divorce was inevitable, the gulf of consciousness between exW and DP being totally unbridgeable.

He won't be able to "sweet talk" the counsellor- is it a woman btw?

I know several counsellors both personally and in a professional context- they ask very probing questions and you can say what you want- if he lies- tell her! Neither of you is there to impress- you are there for help. In their training, counsellors are fully aware of the things you mention, including partners who try to hide things or gloss over stuff.

If you feel he is not being open, say so, and ask for an appt on your own as well if that mighthelp.

Good luck!

Hi again bitoffun. Likewise, I am also qualified, like many survivors, having gone through the process and gone on to train. If a client is using the process to abuse, then they (not the counsellor) have broken the contract. It's an interesting point, but I would not be manipulated this way. As the counsellor in question says "unethical" maybe, but healing - YES!

Thank you, everyone who has responded so far!
Bonsoir, I'm trying to relax I know what you mean and I want to be open and relaxed and calm about this. I've had days since I initially phoned Relate when I've been really chilled and emotionally open and I've so wished we could just go that minute, because I know I'd be in the right metal place to open up. I'm quite shy so this kind of thing is a bit exhausting.

BitOfFun, I agree. That's why I was a bit taken aback when he told me what the previous counsellor had said, and that she had been urging: "You must leave him!". It seemed a bit unprofessional. But his ex quickly stopped going to sessions and so it was just him. I think they broke up during counselling, perhaps I'm a tad afraid of history repeating itself...

honestfriend, yes the counsellor is female, at least for the initial session. Not sure what happens after that. I think you're right, and they will pick up on the little things, and I won't necessarily have to spell it out. And I am preparing to have my own behaviour analyzed of course, I know I'm probably not a walk in the park to live with either . Will let you all know how it goes!

Sheesh, the typos abound tonight. Must leave HER, I meant to say.

Can I be nosy and ask how much Relate counselling costs, DH and I are in desperate need of it (last chance saloon!).

Cheerful pay close attention to the cousellors contract. It should be very explicit - ask any questions if you are unsure as the counsellor will appreciate it (it's a big part of the job). Be wary of what others tell you about their counsellor as words are often put into the mouths of those who are not there to defend themselves or to explain.
One example is that a counsellor will sometimes repeat what a client has said for the purpose of clarification and then in the retelling it becomes their words.

pippi, I was told each session costs them £56, and if you can't pay that much, you negotiate a price with the counsellor at the first session depending on circumstances. 56 quid is WAY too much for us, if we have to pay full price we will be going once a month but I am hoping it will be considerably less than that.

lessonlearned, thanks for that, I will. I see what you mean about clarification becoming confused with their own opinion.

Does anyone know what the upper earnings limit is to pay less than £56 per session? H earns well but we don't really have £56 of disposable income every week. I've paid that twice and winced.
Although I guess it would work out cheaper than divorce..!